


First Fires

by Thatmalu



Category: IT (1990), IT (Movies - Muschietti), IT - Stephen King
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bisexual Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak Loves Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak is a Mess, First Kiss, First Love, Fluff and Angst, Gay Disaster Eddie Kaspbrak, Gay Eddie Kaspbrak, M/M, POV Eddie Kaspbrak, Patrick Hockstetter is His Own Warning, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape Recovery, Rape/Non-con Elements, Recovery, Richie Tozier Loves Eddie Kaspbrak, Sonia Kaspbrak's A+ Parenting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-31
Updated: 2021-02-19
Packaged: 2021-03-07 02:40:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 14
Words: 57,420
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26219518
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thatmalu/pseuds/Thatmalu
Summary: Eddie felt more free than he could have imagined.*Being back in his home state, even if it wasn’t quite where he grew up, was an exhilarating kind of nostalgia that opened up a world of possibilities for his future.Dare he think it… maybe he’d meet a guy here.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak & Richie Tozier, Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 78
Kudos: 86





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> welcome to a self-indulgent projection fic that is not meant for sensitive eyes. 
> 
> The tags are there, it is what it is. The majority of this fic is the recovery process, but the events are happening in the first chapter. Please alert me if there *are* appropriate tags that could be added and I can do so. 
> 
> it's not terribly explicit (I don't think) but please abide by this warning:
> 
> Dead Dove: Do Not Eat.

Starting at a new school in the middle of the year wasn’t so terrible as a college student, but moving to Maine at the start of winter was probably a mistake. The air bit Eddie’s skin harshly and the sun did nothing to assuage the cold. Most days Eddie spent sweating in his lecture halls, spending half of his class just trying to shed all the layers off to fit in his seat and take notes, only to bundle up again and feel his damp clothes freeze outside.

Despite feeling mostly physically miserable, Eddie felt more free than he could have imagined.

One day, Eddie may return to New York, hide himself somewhere in Manhattan or Brooklyn, far from where his mother was probably still sitting in front of her TV in Queens, but being back in open, resinous air was refreshing. He had grown up trekking through these pines and wilderness before his mother decided to snuff out anything in his life that brought him joy and shoved him into a prestigious private school. Being back, even if it wasn’t quite where he grew up, was an exhilarating kind of nostalgia that opened up a world of possibilities for his future. 

Dare he think it… maybe he’d meet a guy here.

New York wasn’t a bad place to be gay by any means, but there wasn’t really a  _ good _ place to be gay and esepcially not anywhere near where he could run into his mother so soon after leaving. A few years away from her stomping grounds, letting her think that he was probably dead in a ditch somewhere, was a good refresh button to a new life he could at least  _ try  _ to be happy. He’d seen gay couples before, it wasn’t impossible to think he could get there.

Eddie just didn’t think it would happen so soon.

The second week of classes, Eddie noticed the boy he was sneaking glances at was staring back at him. Awkward at first, it soon became sincerely flattering, flashing each other soft smiles while Eddie chewed the end of his pen cap. He sat next to Eddie the following class, offering him a Snickers.

“It’s 8 in the morning,” Eddie chuckled, taking the candy bar to stick into his pocket.

“I’ve got a bit of a sweet tooth,” the guy said, winking at Eddie and making him blush.

Eddie had had crushes before, but never one so abruptly flirting with him, let alone in public, and it turned him into a hot, bumbling mess of a person. 

“My friends are having a little get together tomorrow night,” he told Eddie as they were gathering their notebooks.

“I’ve never actually been to a party before,” Eddie admitted shyly.

“It’s not that big of a deal,” he assured him. “It’s not like a frat house or anything. It’ll just be at a house they’re renting off campus, just a few people playing beer pong and Mortal Kombat.”

“Mortal Kombat?” Eddie asked, making him laugh.

“Here, I’ll give you the address.” He ripped a page from his notebook before putting it away, scribbling down a street Eddie recognized as being a decent walking distance from his dorm room. “Can you get there ok?”

“Yeah,” Eddie nodded fervently, taking the paper with a shaky hand. “Th-thanks.”

“Probably stop by around 10,” he continued, swinging his backpack over his shoulder. “I’ll see you there…?”

A beat passed when Eddie realized he was holding his hand out and spastically moved to shake it. “Eddie! My - my name is Eddie.”

“Patrick,” he laughed, winking at him again. “See you tomorrow, Eddie.”

There was still a distinct possibility that this was completely innocent and platonic and Eddie couldn’t kid himself to think otherwise. He spent his entire physics lab trying to think about what to  _ wear _ which was incredibly silly. All of the clothes in his closet seemed  _ wrong _ as he shifted through them, his roommate eyeing him with an annoyed glare as he tried on his tenth shirt.

“Got a date?” he asked Eddie from his desk. Studying. On a Friday.

“Uh, maybe,” Eddie muttered, feeling himself blush. “Find out when I get there I guess.”

His roommate chuckled softly behind him and he wasn’t sure if it was meant in cruel jest or good intentions, but he chose to ignore it.

As it always was, it was freezing and the wind bit his cheeks until they numbed, Eddie’s back beginning to ache from the excessive shivering by the time he had even walked up to the main road. The house was unassuming, bright from the road but not boisterous as Eddie would think a party would be, a single-story ranch style home. He couldn’t hear any music until he was halfway up the porch and hoped someone would hear his feeble little knocks on the door, wishing that he had worn some decent boots.

A pretty brunette answered the door, wearing a simple t-shirt dress that Eddie couldn’t comprehend given the state of weather outside, but she ushered him in immediately. It was the most crowded house Eddie had probably been in before, but it was nothing like the wild animalistic parties his mother had warned him about. Some of the students were in the living room playing on a game console, playing something that looked awfully violent, while others were playing beer pong in a dining area. The house itself was bigger than it appeared outside, wide and open with lots of space. It was just as simple as Patrick had said.

“You ever gonna take your coat off?”

Eddie turned and was happy to know his cheeks and nose were already blistered red from the wind, because his blush would have otherwise been incredibly embarrassing. He immediately started fumbling at his zipper to get himself out of his puffy little prison.

“Hi,” he said stupidly, probably smiling like a dumbass.

“Here, I’ll hang it up. You want a drink?”

Eddie nodded again, but had a nervous feeling in his gut at the idea of drinking. He had never done so before and was quite terrified of the state he’d be in when he had to go home. Not voicing so to Patrick, he vowed to only have the one drink. 

Talking to people had never seemed so easy, and he wasn’t sure why he was able to have such casual conversations with strangers. Normally, he’d find himself lecturing people or spitting out something defensive, but the other students didn’t seem at all judgemental. Eddie couldn’t remember the last time he had a smile on his face for this long. He kept the same half-full beer cup in his hand the entire time.

“My only complaint,” he was telling Patrick a bit later. “Is that I didn’t stuff my face full at the York Hall for dinner. I’m fucking starving. Maybe we can go to Denny’s or somethin?” he added hopefully.

“They’ve got actual food,” Patrick said, taking Eddie’s hand to lead him towards the kitchen. “C’mon.”

“Are you sure we can just - ”

“Don’t worry about it,” Patrick assured him, looking back to smile softly at him. “I practically live here, they don’t care.”

Eddie smiled back, letting Patrick take him through the throng in the hallway. The kitchen had some people Eddie did not recognize, and he had this strong urge to pull his hand out of Patrick’s, a surge of panic. It didn’t seem to matter though, as Patrck let go to open the door to a large pantry with an assortment of snacks and drygoods. 

“Wow,” Eddie breathed in awe, stepping past Patrick to look up and down the shelves. “My mom never would have let me even  _ look _ at all this trans fat and sugar.”

The light coming from the kitchen shrunk into a thin line and Eddie turned to see Patrick had almost nearly closed the door and was giving him a dark, hungry look. Something about it made Eddie want to shrink into himself, watching him step closer. Eddie was still holding his solo cup in front of him like some sort of security blanket and watched Patrick put his hand over the top, encircling Eddie’s fingers to gently guide it down so he could enter Eddie’s space.

Eddie gasped against Patrick’s mouth as he felt it on his, taking no pause to kiss Eddie with vigor. Fear had stricken him nearly senseless, pushing back every impulse he had - every impulse his mother had  _ instilled _ in him - to fight against this. He tried to catch up, clumsily moving his lips along with Patrick’s but not doing much else with his body as he tried to concentrate. He’d never kissed anyone before, let alone a  _ guy _ , and it was more spit and teeth than butterflies. Just as he thought he was finally able to match Patrick’s rhythm, he pulled off of Eddie, wiping a string of spit that still connected them from his lower lip.

“Been wanting to do that all night,” Patrick murmured, his eyes half-lidded and glazed over.

“Me - me too,” Eddie breathed, still slightly in shock.

“C’mon,” Patrick said again. “Let’s go back to the party.”

“O - ok.”

Taking a package of Oreos with him, the closest thing he could reach, Eddie followed Patrick out of the pantry with a shy grin on his face. 

It hadn’t been long after that when Eddie attempted to try out this game some of the other guys were playing, picking a character named Scorpion, simply because it matched his zodiac sign and felt a connection to him. The problem was that Eddie wasn’t used to seeing this kind of graphic gore before and immediately threw his controller down at his first fatality, clenching his stomach uncomfortably.

“You need a bathroom?” Patrick asked, gripping his shoulder and looking concerned.

“Maybe,” Eddie muttered. 

This was embarrassing, but Patrick didn’t seem too bothered helping Eddie up and leading him across to the quieter parts of the house and taking him down to a long hallway. The nausea was making Eddie feel dizzy and a little weak, his legs feeling like they were going to give out. Patrick led him down to a door on the far left and guided him inside, pointing out a bathroom door off to the corner, but the second Eddie saw the bed his body gravitated to it like a magnet.

His body fell heavy onto the mattress, feet still dangling off to the side. The nausea was starting to subside, which was incredible luck, because he couldn’t see how he was going to be able to get up again if he had to vomit. Patrick was speaking again, but it was low and hushed. Whatever light that was coming from the hallway dimmed and Eddie opened his eyes barely enough to see that the door had been closed. The music sounded like it was lightyears away.

“Patrick, what the fuck?” Eddie heard a voice whisper as someone else’s weight was on the bed with him.

“Pat?” Eddie mumbled, a bit of drool escaping the corner of his mouth. God he was so dizzy still, he couldn’t bring himself to sit up.

“See?” Patrick chuckled, a cold laugh that sent a shiver down Eddie’s spine. “He  _ sounds _ like a little bitch. And he’s the tiniest person I could find.”

Alarm bells were going off in Eddie’s head, shifting himself to at least attempt to get up, but someone (Patrick?) had their hand on his back, shushing him.

“Shh, stay still baby,” he said. “That shit I put in your drink will make you nice and sleepy.”

Before he could process what was said to him, Eddie was rolled over roughly onto his back, unable to see well enough in the darkness and his haze, but he could sense the second person getting onto the other side of the bed with them.

“I don’t wanna fuck a dude,” the other voice said, sounding annoyed.

“Then don’t,” Patrick huffed impatiently, unstrapping Eddie’s belt as he weakly tried to brush his hands away. “A warm mouth is a warm mouth, Henry.”

_ Stop _ , Eddie said - or thinks he says. He can’t even be sure his lips are moving.

Patrick’s demeanor had changed so abruptly from just moments ago, ripping Eddie’s pants down roughly, the skin of his thighs burning. He thinks he whimpers; he thinks Patrick laughs at that and it makes him feel sick again.

The weight on the bed is shifting and Eddie feels someone pushing him up, legs still out in front as someone is sitting behind him to keep him held up, one of their hands on his neck to force his head up. Vaguely able to make out the outlined figure of the person in front of him, he can tell it’s not Patrick from their hairline, and it must be this ‘Henry’ person.

_ Pat _ , Eddie thinks he cries again, not absolutely sure. He whimpers again as something warm touches his face, reeling back before Patrick tightens his grip on Eddie’s head.

“Easy,” he growls, breath hot in Eddie’s ear. “Watch the teeth or you’re leaving with them.”

Two of Patrick’s fingers are prying at Eddie’s mouth until he unwillingly opens his jaw and lets  _ the thing _ Henry has get shoved into his mouth. It’s smooth but hits the back of Eddie’s throat roughly, tasting of salt and ammonia and he starts gagging, sputtering spit around it as tears start rolling down his cheeks. The man above him is groaning and Eddie wants to vomit and he thinks he might if he keeps up his pace shoving in and out of Eddie’s throat like this.

In the back of his mind, Eddie was finally beginning to feel the panic, realizing what was happening, what they were doing to him and all he could do was pathetically push his arms out, only to have them fall down again weakly. 

_ Click _ .

There’s a brief flash of light and Patrick is chuckling again, throwing something light onto the bed beside them. A hand roughly grazed Eddie’s briefs, cupping between his legs and causing Eddie to whine, in turn causing Henry to grip Eddie’s hair to hold him still, groaning as he kept fucking into his mouth.

All Eddie could comprehend to think was  _ why _ , these things weren’t supposed to  _ happen _ , these were things they warned little girls about when they went off to college, not  _ boys _ , not boys like Eddie -

“I’d say this counts as a pussy, Henry,” Patrick laughed in Eddie’s ear as his hand rubbed at Eddie’s dick. “There’s practically nothing down here.”

Eddie could do nothing but whimper again, feeling himself shamefully get harder from the friction of Patrick’s hand until he felt Henry’s grip in his hair tighten as he groaned and something warm hit the back of his throat. When Henry pulled out, Eddie sputtered spit and god knows what else all over his front and chin, gasping desperately and trying to pull away from Patrick now sucking on his neck.

“Off,” is all Eddie can get out, meek and quiet.

“Uh uh,” Patrick growled. “My turn.”

The weight shifted and Eddie suddenly fell back onto the bed like a spring to the gravity pulling him down. He managed to cry out into the darkness, near-silent sobs as he felt the tears hot and dripping into his ear as he laid there. Someone is pulling him up by the front of his shirt, and another one is in his face and he tries pathetically to move his face away.

“Uh, Henry, a little help?” Patrick is saying, yanking at Eddie’s hair to hold his head still. 

“Pat,” Eddie sobs, which he knows is no good, and whatever sweet boy he thought had brought him to this party was certainly nonexistent. People - people don’t just  _ do  _ this to each other. This wasn’t one of the dangerous things Eddie’s mother warned him about happening.

“Hey,” Patrick says with a finger under Eddie’s chin, almost  _ sweetly _ . “I’ll break your fucking jaw if you don’t open it up again for me.”

“ _ Pat _ ,” Eddie cries again, but Henry is there, propping Eddie up so Patrick can let go of his shirt and is shoving his face forward until he reluctantly opens his mouth again.

It’s somehow worse this time, almost like Patrick is  _ trying _ to choke and suffocate him to death with his dick, and Henry squeezes a hand around Eddie’s neck to keep him still. He’s gagging and he still has the taste of Henry’s cum coating his throat and the idea of it happening again combined with Patrick’s larger member being shoved into Eddie’s throat is what makes it happen.

“Shit!” Patrick cursed, pulling out as Eddie spat up and vomited onto the mattress and his legs in front of him. “You fucker!”

For some reason, Eddie almost wants to apologize, but doesn’t get a chance to as something hard hits him in the face just under his eye, sending Eddie’s head buzzing. He’s so fazed he can’t hear what they’re saying as Henry rolls Eddie over onto his front while he’s still trying to sputter out bits of sick. 

“Nononono,” Eddie muttered, realizing with horror what Patrick was doing as he felt his legs being pulled back. He reached out to try and crawl away, but Henry put a knee on his back, holding Eddie down by his biceps, hearing something  _ slicking _ behind him. “ _ Please, Patrick, please don’t do this please - HE -!” _

Henry was quick to slap a hand over Eddie’s mouth before he could call out to anyone, growling in his ear, “ _ Shut the fuck up you little faggot! _ Patrick, you didn’t give him enough.”

“S’fine,” Patrick muttered, pulling down Eddie’s briefs as he tried to kick out before Patrick sat his knees heavily on the back of Edde’s legs. “I’m gonna make this nice and quick.”

Eddie’s cries were muffled against the sweat of Henry’s palm as he felt - god, it literally felt like he was being ripped in half from the inside, a burning hot pain that moved deeper and deeper into him as he was pressed down into the mattress. He couldn’t daydream himself out of this, as hard as he tried, this was a nightmare he was trapped in until it was over. 

_ Click. _

Even when it was over, even when he was left there sobbing, he could still  _ feel  _ it happening to him, like a brutal brand upon his senses. What had just happened was still not computing, yet it was so changing, so  _ permanent _ , like something had just died inside of him.

No one had come to check on him and he ignored their taunts after they took another picture of him lying there, covering his face in shame. After what might have been hours or just a few seconds, Eddie shifted, feeling sharp stings inside him as he moved his legs off the bed and tried to dress. He wasn’t sure how he was able to move, feeling as if his body was going to fall apart from being torn to bits from the inside out. He had managed to get on his shoes when he fell to his knees and kept sobbing towards the floor.

How was he supposed to leave this goddamn house?

Equally as afraid of being found in this state, Eddie managed to start crawling out, reeling back as the light from the hall hit him. He froze, catching someone in the hallway.

“Hey!” 

It was the girl that had let Eddie into the house, quickly coming over and kneeling down to him.

“Jesus, are you ok?”

Knowing he couldn’t hide that he was crying and probably covered in his own spit and vomit, Eddie simply shook his head.

“Who’d you come here with?”

“Alone,” Eddie croaked out, shifting his body so that he was at least leaning on the doorframe and not crawling on his knees like an animal. “I can’t - I can’t go out there.”

She looked contemplative, looking down the hall for a moment before turning back to him. “I drove here. I can take you home if you want. We can sneak out through the back patio, the door is through the den. No one is in there.”

She held out her hand and despite his best interest not to trust another stranger, he took it. He grimaced as he got up, each step more painful than the other. They managed to avoid running into anyone as she lightly pushed him through a sliding wood door into an old rustic den with a futon. 

“Our coats,” Eddie said, freezing before she could open the door. “My - my badge to get back to my dorm is in there.”

“I’ll get them,” she assured him. “Let’s get you in the car first.”

The cold was anguish, forcing him to shiver and feel every battered and torn muscle in his body twitch uncomfortably. Eddie was thankful when the girl turned the car on for him when they got in, watching her run back to the house through the front as he warmed up his hands in front of the vents.

“Thanks,” he muttered quickly as she got in, handing him his coat.

“Don’t mention it. Where do you live?”

“York,” he said, tucking himself under his coat, not bothering to put it on properly. 

Grateful that they stayed silent for the car ride, Eddie was ready to dash out of the door and run up to his room to maybe shower or cry or literally anything. However, she ended up parking in the back of the building, looking like she was ready to walk Eddie up.

“I’m ok,” he tried to assure her, knowing that was a lie.

She looked back at him with a soft, sad smile. “You really want to be alone right now, uh...?”

Eddie sighed. “No. And it’s Eddie. You can call me Eddie.”

The dorm room was empty and Eddie had no idea where his roommate was, but was grateful. His muscles were starting to ache terribly, from the assault and the cold, and all Eddie wanted to do was sleep. How he would manage to do that when his brain was a livewire of thoughts, he wasn’t sure.

“Do you want to report it?” the girl asked as they took their shoes off.

“No. God, no. I can’t - no one is going to take this seriously.” He turned away as his voice broke, not wanting her to watch him cry again. There was no way he was going to manage to do anything to take care of himself, knowing he’d just crawl into his bed like this.

“It doesn’t - it doesn’t make you, like… gay or anything, you know,” she was saying. “I’ve heard guys say shit like that before.”

Before he could help it, Eddie shot her a cold, irritated look. “You know what… fuck you. You can leave. Thanks for your help, but - please leave.”

She stood there still for a moment and then made a little ‘o’ with her mouth before slapping her hand over it. “I’m sorry! I didn’t - I didn’t mean, like, that being gay is bad or anything. I just meant, it’s not - what happened has nothing to do with you.”

“It doesn’t?” Eddie snapped, feeling his throat and eyes burn as he leaned over his bed. “Because I’d like you to name  _ one _ other guy that this could’ve happened to at the party.”

A wet spot appeared on his sheets, so Eddie wiped his cheeks before he could watch any more of his tears fall, trying to will himself to stay calm. He heard a faint zipper and saw the girl pulling something out of her purse; a small little pill bottle.

“This can probably help you sleep,” she offered, looking sheepish. “I take it for anxiety but it always makes me pass out.”

Going against his better judgement than to trust a stranger (again), Eddie lifted a shaky limb to take the little bottle, not even bothering to read the bottle.

“You want me to get going?” she asked, toeing at one of her shoes as Eddie dry swallowed one of the little pink pills.

“N-no,” Eddie heard himself say. “I don’t - I don’t know if I can be alone right now. Or where my roommate is. I - ”

“It’s ok,” she assured him. 

Using a water bottle to quickly wipe his face and taking his sweater off, Eddie crawled into bed, beyond the point where he could do anything past this level of self care. His jeans felt tighter, like the cold from outside had trapped its way between the fabric and his skin, clenching the blanket tight to his chest as the girl turned off the overhead light, crawling into the small bed with him. It was a good thing he didn’t take up so much space.

“S’a good thing I’m gay,” he muttered, starting to feel the affects of the medicine she gave him. He had never said it out loud before, and it was strangely comforting to say it so casually, even under the harsh circumstances. “My roommate would be pissed if you were in his bed.”

“Mine snores, so this will be a nice break,” she chuckled beside him, shifting to make herself more comfortable.

Eddie couldn’t help but scoot just a bit closer to her, feeling her warmth radiating underneath the blanket. “Thank you for staying. I’m sorry I was kind of a dick.”

“You were allowed to be,” she said simply, stifling a yawn. It made Eddie yawn in return, feeling sleepiness start to take him over. Maybe he’d wake up and none of this would have ever happened.

“What’s your name?” he whispered quietly

“Patty.”

Letting his eyelids flutter shut in the dark, Eddie breathed out, “G’night Patty.”

“Goodnight Eddie.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> quick minor notes about cw: panic attacks, mention of vomit 
> 
> Happy September!

Something soft hit Eddie in the face and it immediately erupted all the aches and sharpness Eddie felt. He startled slightly, opening his eyes to see one of his socks rolled up and laying between him and a pretty girl that had taken him home last night. Taking the sock fingerly in his fingers he looked up to see his roommate Stan grumpily staring at him from his bed.

“ _ That _ is what you’re supposed to put on the door,” he grumbled, shifting his legs onto his mattress so he could get under the covers.

“What time is it?” Eddie mumbled.

“Seven. I am  _ supposed _ to be going to temple, but I got no sleep listening to you snore.”

Eddie caught Stan glancing over at the girl (who Eddie was now remembering was named Patty), but his expression was too stoic for Eddie to register how Stan was feeling about all of this.

“I didn’t sleep with her,” Eddie told him, trying to keep his voice to a whisper. “It was just late and - and cold.”

Stan gave him some sort of uncommitted nod, but said nothing further, rolling over to face the wall. This was about as meaningful as any of their conversations had gone since Eddie replaced his roommate two weeks ago. Nothing had been said in spite towards Eddie, but he could tell that Stan had not been anticipating the drastic change of coming back after winter break to find a half-empty room and Eddie where his old dorm mate had been. He still seemed very bitter about it. 

Not wanting to wake Patty up, Eddie scooted towards the end of the bed, grimacing as he felt every bruise and tear of his body crawling off the edge of the mattress. Quickly grabbing a towel and fresh pants, he made his way to the showers. 

The school had only supplied these dingy little slip on shoes for the shower and they were already tearing apart and flapping about as Eddie stood under the steaming stream. That was really all he was doing, just standing there letting the heat scorch his skin until he couldn’t even feel anything anymore. When someone came in after a few minutes, Eddie supposed he should do some proper cleaning, grabbing his soap from the little shower caddy he brought.

A dark blotch caught Eddie’s attention as he moved, looking down and seeing deep red in the water going down the drain. With a shaky hand, he tentatively reached down between his legs, only to feel a sharp sting and pulled his hand up to see the dried blood left on his fingers. He slapped his other hand over his mouth to keep himself from crying out in the bathroom with a stranger in the next stall, his body starting to tremble despite the heat. 

Despite his best efforts, a small sob escaped him, echoing through the tiles of the dirty old washroom. It sent a bubbling kind of panic and rage through him, quickly taking the luffa from his caddy so he could scrub his skin down roughly, rubbing in until it burned red and hot, turning all his sobs into small, painful grunts. Somehow the anger was more bearable, somehow like he had more control over it.

But what control did he really have over this situation? Something  _ vile _ had happened to him, something he had not even envisioned in his nightmares. His school had lectured him about peer pressure to do drugs, and  _ stranger danger _ had certainly been a monster for him as a child, but  _ this _ thing happening to him as a grown man? No one prepared him for this. 

Not that he supposed one could prepare for something like this.

“ _ Ah! _ ”

He yelped, slowing his movements down when he realized he needed to be tender cleaning himself off, keeping his head up towards the ceiling so he wouldn’t have to see himself. This was something that he had to bury down, keep hidden, never speak about again. If this thing haunted him, he couldn’t figure out how he was going to function. He would have to try and forget.

Except someone - some  _ people _ \- were out there knowing they did this to him. A wave of nausea rolled through him with another audible sob, dropping his luffa and crying into the palms of his hands, realizing that no matter what he did, those people were always going to know they did this to him.  _ They _ would always know and they even had pictures to prove it and Eddie had lost a piece of himself that they would forever have of his.

God, the pictures.

Who would they share those with? Would it just be some sick joke between the two of them, a token to remember it by? Would anyone else see them?

“Eddie?”

Eddie startled, lowering his hands and blinking through the fluorescent lights. 

“Eddie, it’s Patty. You ok?”

“I’ll be out in a minute,” Eddie said, wincing as he picked up his luffa to put away. He hurried along, shivering in the cold once the water was off and tried to dry himself as delicately as possible.

Stan was awake again when Eddie got back in the room.

“You don’t mind walking me back, do you?” Patty asked from Eddie’s bed, her feet dangling off the side. “I’m over by the rec center.”

“Uh, no. That’s fine,” Eddie said. On his desk was a business card for his guidance counselor, Dennis, who supposedly had weekend hours from 8 to 11. There might be less students coming in on a Saturday, and Eddie wanted to get this over with as soon as possible.

Patty waited patiently, already bundled up for the walk, while Stan sat up trying to make small talk with her. He kept side-glancing Eddie as he dressed and Eddie hoped this wouldn’t cause more tension between them, as if it would be  _ weird _ for Stan to ask out the girl who Eddie had slept with the previous night, even if all they did was  _ sleep _ .

“Hey,” Stan called just before they were out the door. “Patty, right?”

“Yeah?” she said, waiting idly as Eddie pulled a beanie over his wet head.

“Eddie and I were going to start a study group next week,” Stan continued. “We were going to meet at the Denny’s on Friday if you want to come.”

“We were?” Eddie butt in.

“That sounds cool!” Patty said brightly. “I’m struggling hard already in half my classes, so that’ll be really helpful! I’ll get the details from Eddie.”

“Uh, sure,” Eddie muttered, not really knowing what was going on.

“Cool,” Stan smiled awkwardly. “I’ll, uh, see you there.”

“Bye!” Patty called cheerfully, ushering Eddie out of the door.

Being mid-January and still pretty early in the day, it felt just as cold as it had last night and Eddie pulled his jacket up to his chin, trying to brace for the wind. He kept his hands there, firmly gripping his jacket. Not many students were up and about on the weekend, at least, making Eddie feel a little safer about being out.

“How are you feeling?” Patty asked as they walked along the pathway leading up to the rest of campus.

“I don’t know anything about the study group,” said Eddie dismissively. “I guess Stan will give me the details later if you want.”

“I guess you don’t want to talk about it?” she pried again.

“No,” Eddie said bluntly. “I can get your building number and call you during the week to let you know what we’re doing.”

Patty nodded beside him, tucking her hands in her coat. “You know, it doesn’t have to be me, but… it might help. Talking, I mean. Do you have any friends on campus?”

“No,” Eddie said again, his throat tightening. “Can you stop, please?”

“Sorry,” she mumbled.

“You ok with leaving your car by my dorm?” Eddie asked, realizing she had parked by his building.

“Yeah, there’s never parking by my place. I end up parking far anyway. Are you a freshman?”

“I - oh. Uh. No. I transferred here a couple weeks ago from Queens College.”

“No shit!” she said, starling Eddie by smacking him with her gloved hand. “I grew up in Queens! I went to an all-girls hebrew school though, so fat chance we would’ve run into each other.”

“I went to an all-boys private school, so, yeah. Definitely no chance.”

“Was that a blessing or a curse? Given your, uh…”

“My condition?” Eddie asked, an eyebrow cocked. “That’s what my mom calls it, anyway. Definitely a curse.”

“Sorry,” she muttered again. “I didn’t mean it bad or anything - ”

“It's ok,” Eddie assured her. “I know you didn’t.”

They stopped midway through the center of campus at the quad, Patty turning to give him a meaningful look.

“You don’t have to walk me all the way,” she explained. “I just wanted to see if you were ok and if you...you know, wanted a chance to talk, but I guess you didn’t. I’m in Knox, if you wanted to call sometime this week or stop by.”

“What room do I ask for?”

“408. I’ll see you around, Eddie?”

“Yeah, I - thank you,” he said sheepishly. “For everything.”

“No problem,” she smiled, offering a wave before she turned towards her dorm, leaving him there in the cold.

The guidance counselor's office wasn’t far, but Eddie struggled a bit between his shivers, damning the cold under his breath. Walking inside felt like stepping into a furnace, the heat pumped up to an extreme high to combat the harsh winter. 

Dennis had his office ajar, sitting quickly at his desk overlooking some kind of form. He was a very soft-spoken man that Eddie gravitated to very easily, and was just as helpful as he was kind. Eddie tentatively knocked on the door watching Dennis look up and gently push his glasses up the bridge of his nose.

“Mr. Kaspbrak, right?” he asked kindly.

“Yes, sir,” Eddie nodded. “Are you busy?”

“Please,” Dennis said, gesturing to the seat in front of his desk.

Eddie closed the door quietly behind him before easing himself down into the chair, hoping Dennis wouldn’t notice how pained his expression was. He took a moment to gather some files to shove them to the side of his desk, sweeping his blond hair back quickly before providing Eddie with his undivided attention.

“What can I help you with?”

“Um,” Eddie started awkwardly, fidgeting in his seat. “I, uh… I was wondering if - if it was possible for me to, uh… switch one of my classes?”

“Oh?” Dennis asked curiously. “Is there a problem with your professor, or…?”   
“No, I just - I’m sorry, I… I can’t really explain it,” Eddie stammered. “I just - I really need to get out of there.”

“Hmm, well… one of the issues is that Professor Kabir doesn’t have any other classes available for that course. You’d end up with a whole new professor, a new textbook - ”

“That’s fine! I don’t - I don’t care, I’ll pay for it.”

Dennis smiled sadly at him. “Unfortunately, Mr. K, that means switching your lab, too. Each lab course is designed by the individual professors curriculum, so…”

“So what can I do?”

Dennis sighed, folding his hands together in front of him at his desk. “Listen, you’ve got yourself a heavy course load. You’re taking what I believe is the  _ max _ amount of credits possible. Why don’t you drop the course for now?”

“I can’t!” Eddie exclaimed a little hysterically. “They didn’t transfer all of my classes! I need to catch up or - or I won’t have enough sophomore credits for next year! It’s a prereq for a class I need in the fall and - and - ”

“Ok, ok,” Dennis hushed him, holding a hand up. “Well, we have the class over the summer, so there’s no harm in trying that out, yeah? I’ll get you signed up right away when they open up so you can complete the course and get into your fall semester with no worries.”

“They have summer classes? What - what about housing?”

“Where do you live off-campus?”

Technically speaking: nowhere. Eddie didn’t know how to explain to Dennis that he had purchased a PO Box to apply for an out of state school without his mother knowing, packed all of his most necessary belongings in a single suitcase, left a single note telling his mother goodbye in the middle of the night, and took off on a bus two days before classes started with the hopes of never seeing her again. Silence seemed to be enough for Dennis to understand though.

“We allow dorming for the summer if you’re taking a class. But, I may suggest looking for someone who lives off campus to maybe room with for a bit, otherwise the rest of your summer is going to be a bit unpleasant. You can post an ad in the Union if you want.”

“Really?” Eddie asked, perking up. 

“Sure thing,” Dennis smiled pleasantly. “So, what do you say? Let’s ease your schedule up a bit and give you a break. The class will go by a lot faster over the summer.”

“Thank you, thank you so much!” Eddie sighed in relief, getting up to enthusiastically shake Dennis’s hand. 

“Glad you’re so relieved,” Dennis laughed, pushing his glasses up again. “Just remember, you’re still going to have the W on your transcript for the class and I don’t think you’ll get the full refund.”

“Oh - I mean that’s - that’s fine,” Eddie stammered, a little hesitant. Realizing he’d have to find a way to pay for part of the class  _ again _ was a blow, but if he could avoid seeing - seeing - “It’s fine,” he repeated. “I’ll be ok. I’ll just save the refund for over the summer.”

Whether or not he’d be ok financially slipped his mind once he was outside again, starting to see other students walking around, probably going to breakfast or maybe walking back from their hookups. Eddie hadn’t the slightest idea where  _ he _ lived and was terrified of the notion that he’d be lurking somewhere on campus, thinking over what he did to Eddie last night, where his hands were -

“Oh sh-hmmph!” Eddie managed to get out before vomiting on the ice-glazed grass. His stomach wretched until nothing could come out but that sickly, acidic bile that started just dripping down his chin after he lost enough in his stomach to fully spew anymore. He wiped his face with the back of his glove and promptly pulled it off, chucking it away in a trash can, hoping to god no one was watching him too intently. His hand was bare now so he shoved it into his pocket, where he felt something cold and crinkly, pulling it out to see the Snickers bar -

“ _ Fuck! _ ” he shouted, throwing the candy across the long grass field beside him. 

Lured with candy, like a fucking child. 

He doesn’t know how he manages to make it back to his dorm without having another mental breakdown, slamming the door behind him a little too loudly and causing Stan to look at him with a huff.

“Can you  _ not _ ?”

“Sorry!” Eddie shouted, quickly catching himself and taking a breath before he continued more quietly. “I’m sorry. It’s just - a really shitty day. What the fuck it this thing about a study group?”

“Oh,” Stan sighed, turning back to his desk; studying  _ again _ . Did Stan do anything else? “I was thinking about asking you to come with me next week. One of my classmates has been bugging me about hanging out and I felt kind of bad for him so I offered to host a study group.”

“Why do you feel bad?” Eddie asked as he started taking his coat off. 

“I don’t think he has any friends,” Stan sighed. “Like, he seems like the kind of kid that needs constant attention and everyone finds him annoying because of it, but he’s not, like, a  _ dick  _ or anything. But he’s always asking me to hang out. So I figured if we were doing something academic and someone else was there he might not get on my nerves so much.”

“So you want me to distract him with conversation while you hit on Patty?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Stan deadpanned.

Last weekend Eddie had spent his time in the library trying to figure out how the Internet worked, both completely fascinated and frustrated by it. In fact, most of his spare time had been either at the library or in the coffee lounge of the union when he was scared of being alone with Stan. Now he was afraid to leave his dorm, but Stan proved to be quite a good distraction from his impending thoughts.

The days ticked by in a blur of panic, Eddie barely able to make it out of bed. It felt like he had the flu, feverish and nauseous, and even Stan suggested he see a nurse. 

“You look super sick,” he said Monday morning. “Maybe go to the health center or get some medicine from the Union store.”

“Will do,” Eddie muttered, pulling the blankets up to his chin. Maybe he’d end up having to drop  _ all _ of his classes if he was going to be this miserable.

“Here,” he heard Stan say, pulling some books off the shelf by his desk. “I don’t know what you’re into, but if you like to read you can borrow these.”

He gently placed them down on the dresser behind Eddie’s headboard, a collection of fiction, bird books, and some kind of autobiography.

“Thanks, Stan,” Eddie said sincerely. “Hope it’s not contagious.”

At that, Stan reeled back, scrunching his nose. “God, it better not be.”

It couldn’t be, Eddie knew, but it kept Stan from asking questions about why Eddie couldn’t get out of bed throughout the whole week. There wasn’t much to distract him, so he tried to read some of Stan’s books, only to find himself silently weeping over blurry words. He kept fading between weird phases of emptiness and hysterics, not sure really which would prevail in the end.

“People go to the Denny’s a lot though, right?” Eddie asked Stan while they were in his car Friday night. “It’s going to be crowded.”

“Nah, not this early,” Stan shrugged as he got off the highway. “It’s popular, but only after people are hungover at 4 am. It’ll be quiet.”

“You probably should have offered Patty a ride,” Eddie said as Stan parked the car. He looked over to see Stan closing his eyes in anguish.

“God _ dammit _ Eddie, why didn’t you say that before? I’m a fucking moron.”

A giggle elicited from Eddie, the first genuine laugh he had all week. “I’ve never heard you curse.”

“Fuck off,” Stan said, but Eddie caught the small smirk on his face before he got out of the car.

Most of the tables were indeed empty, so it wasn’t hard to see Patty, smiling brightly from the corner and waving at them both as they came in. She had curled up her hair but was in a simple sweater and jeans.

“God help me,” Stan muttered under his breath as they made their way to her, taking their bookbags out.

“I already ordered a milkshake,” Patty said brightly, scooting over in her booth to allow Stan to slide in next to her. “Couldn’t help myself. How you doing, Eddie?”

“Uh, fine,” Eddie mumbled, trying to ignore the look Stan was giving him.  _ She doesn’t like me, dumbass. _ “I’ve never eaten at one of these before.”

“The only good thing they have is breakfast food,” Stan said, peaking at the cover of Patty’s textbook. He seemed mildly surprised, maybe even impressed by the course before looking up and letting out a long sigh. “My classmate is here.”

“I don’t know why I brought this,” Eddie muttered as he looked at his textbook. “I’m all caught up with my homework in this one. Stan, you don’t think - ”

“Eddie?”

Eddie turned to look up at the new person that arrived and an oddly familiar voice. It took a minute to process who he was staring at before his jaw dropped.

Richie fucking Tozier.

“Holy shit, Eds!” he exclaimed, throwing his backpack down.

“Richie!” Eddie said, getting up because - well, he didn’t know  _ why _ he had gotten up, it was like his excitement had shot him up like a firework. Richie took the opportunity to reach out and pull Eddie into a welcoming hug.

Richie Tozier - the boy that lived down the street from Eddie for 10 years, one of his oldest - and maybe  _ only _ friends. He hasn’t seen Richie since they were graduating middle school, when Eddie’s mother had sold their house in Derry and taken him to New York.

But god, Richie was a  _ giant _ . Had he grown three feet?? He was impossibly tall now, his face and body filled out in a way that made Eddie feel flustered, pulling away to take another look at him.

There was no mistaken him though; he still grinned with the same sparkle behind his eyes.

“Look at you!” Richie beamed. “You haven’t grown an inch!”

“Hey, fuck you asshole!” Eddie chuckled, pushing him back.  _ There’s so much of him _ .

Richie threw his head back, barking out laughter that filled Eddie with butterflies and sunshine. “God, I’ve missed you. Still putting me in my place after all these years.”

“I miss something?” Stan asked from the table.

“Eddie Spaghetti and I were practically neighbors our whole lives,” Richie explained, pulling Eddie in with an arm around his shoulder.  _ Jesus he smells so good. Did he always smell like this? _

“I thought you were from Queens?”

“I am,” Eddie said, gently pulling Richie’s arm off of him. “Well, kinda. I moved there for high school.”

“And now you’re back,” said Richie, grinning ear to ear. “I bet your mom has just been dying for Big Dick.”

“Oh Jesus,” Stan muttered, turning back to his book.

“Still with the mom jokes?” Eddie shook his head incredulously. “Seriously, dude?”

Something felt unsettled in Eddie’s stomach, something he couldn’t recognize right away. The source was unknown, but when his breath hitched and chest tightened, Eddie took a brief step back to stop himself from falling over, a sinking feeling as he realized what was happening.

“I - I’ll be right back,” Eddie said abruptly, grabbing his jacket again to quickly run past Richie outside.

He’s not entirely sure why he goes outside and not to the bathroom. His body was shaking before he even stepped out the door and he’s heaving in gulps of breath that come out in large clouds as he leans back against the side of the building to clutch his knees.

A long time ago, he learned that he didn’t have asthma. What he did have were panic attacks, and despite his mother’s persistence in keeping him healthy and medicated, she shied far away from mental health professionals. Quacks, she’d call them. Nothing was ever properly done to ease his anxieties before. All he could do was frantically pat around his jacket for his vice.

“Hey.”

Eddie jumped, looking up to a concerned looking Richie, who was tentatively approaching him. For some reason, maybe out of an old nostalgic habit, Eddie let him, let him into his personal space to gently place a hand into one of his pockets and pull out the familiar little bottle. Richie held it up to Eddie’s lips, taking a deep inhale of the battery acid taste.

A placebo, but it worked all the same.

“Thanks,” Eddie whispered, gingerly taking his inhaler back.

“Thought that looked familiar,” Richie mused, looking at him curiously. “You ok?”

Eddie nodded, not entirely sure how true it was.

“So why Maine?” Richie asked casually. “Why would you come back to this hick state when you had the Big Apple  _ right there _ ?”

“It’s complicated,” Eddie replied. “I - I needed to leave the state.”

“Eddie Kaspbrak: Mystery Man,” Richie laughs.

“I suppose I should have gone to like… Florida or somewhere warm,” Eddie chuckles hollowly.

“Ew, why?” Richie scrunches his face in an amused way. “It’s so  _ hot _ . Like, hell hot.”

“I like the heat,” Eddie tells him.

“Who the fuck likes sweating their balls off? Seriously, at least when it’s cold, you can, like, just put on more layers.”

“I like it,” Eddie said simply with a shrug. “With the cold I feel like I’m more  _ aware _ of my body and shit, like the cold just - just amplifies anything I’m feeling and I hate it. I hate feeling everything wrong with me. When I can feel the sun, though… I don’t know, it’s like I can feel the warmth spread everywhere, sinking under my skin, dulling down all my hypersensitivity to shit. Even when I feel like I’m burning, it’s like I can come out of it feeling like a different person. I don’t know. It’s just… nice, when all I can feel is the heat. There’s something oddly soothing about feeling like I could just burst into flames.”

It was quiet when Eddie stopped speaking, embarrassment flooding through him after his ramble to a person he hadn’t seen in  _ years _ . A little surprised by how quiet Richie was, he peaked up at him to see that he was just smiling warmly at him.

“You’re a little weird, you know that, Eds?”

“Not much changes I guess,” Eddie smiles back.

Richie chuckles at that,  _ fondly  _ even. “Well, I’ve always got a Zippo if you ever wanna set yourself on fire, Pyro. Why don’t we head back in and cock block Stan? He looks way too comfortable and confident in there on his own.”

Eddie looks down and sees Richie’s holding his hand out. It brings him back to the kitchen that night, when Eddie had taken someone’s hand in blind trust. It sends a shiver through him and he stands himself up to look past Richie towards the door. There are people on the other side of this one, he tells himself. It’s not the same thing.

Simply nodding, he allows himself to brush past Richie, ignoring his hand and letting him follow in his path inside.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw for chap: panic attacks and vomit. it’s a theme.

If Eddie’s life were a record, someone had picked up the needle before his high school song and dropped it on this very moment. Feelings he had years ago were rushing in almost violently as he tried not to stare at Richie during the night. A giddy grin was plastered on Eddie’s face, hidden behind one of his hands most of the night in embarrassment. 

It was strange to see the likeness to the boy Eddie knew over half a decade ago blossomed into this grown man before him. All of his features had sharpened and the more Eddie stared and thought of the cute, tall boy he was infatuated with growing up, the more stirring it was to see how, well…  _ beautiful _ he was now. Sure, handsome was definitely fitting, but the way his curls fell over the frames of his glasses, how his eyes absolutely lit up with glee as he smiled - that wide, infectious smile crinkling his lightly stubbled cheeks, filling Eddie up with delight - that was all quite beautiful; even as Richie tries to balance a french fry under his nose.

It shouldn’t be normal to feel this  _ smitten _ by a person so quickly and at some point Eddie remembers this is similar to how he felt just over a week ago -

_ This is Richie. It’s not the same thing. _

But how does Eddie really know what kind of person Richie grew up to be?

_ Stop. Listen to him. He’s still just a big goofball _ , Eddie finally thinks, looking at Richie grinning goofily at Stan’s half-amused, half-annoyed face.

“You need to come over some time!” Richie says as they start packing up their books. “You were my mom’s absolute favorite guest of all time.”

“Really?” Eddie asked, feeling a blush on his cheeks at the idea of going to Richie’s house. 

“You guys seem like you could catch up,” Stan said rather abruptly. “Maybe guys could hang out.”

“It’s still pretty early if you wanna come over,” Richie says, smiling brightly at him.

“Now?” Eddie replies, getting nervous.

“Maybe we can see a movie?” Stan is asking Patty now, and Eddie starts to feel like he’s being snowballed by everything too quickly, like this was some elaborate plan on Stan’s part somehow. 

“I don’t - Stan, you drove me here,” Eddie points out. 

“I can take you back,” Richie offers.

“Isn’t Derry like a half hour away?”

Richie shrugs. “It’s the weekend. You can crash on the couch if you want and I can take you back in the morning.”

“We could all see a movie?” Patty suggests, coming to Eddie’s rescue. Stan’s face drops a bit, but Richie waves it off.

“I see all the movies for free once they’re out on VHS. Only things worth seeing is shit like… Muppet Treasure Island or something and that doesn’t come out until next month.”

“Muppet… Treasure… Island,” Stan repeated slowly.

“You have a problem with the Muppets, Stanley?”

“I can come over,” Eddie hears himself saying. “I’d like to see your parents again.”

He tries smiling through his nerves and Richie is smiling so brightly back at him that it eases his tension a bit. Stan couldn’t look more thrilled. Eddie tries to give Patty a look of assurance to put her at ease.

Of all the cars in the world, Richie had to drive a  _ Daewoo _ , something Eddie couldn't help but wrinkle his nose at. 

“You trust a car manufacturer that also makes calculators?” Eddie says as Richie is turning on the car.

“Be kind to her,” Richie cooes, rubbing the dashboard affectionately. “This ole gal has been through a lot over the years.”

“You’re unbelievable, Tozier.”

“So, you’re still into cars?”

It takes Eddie back for a moment, Richie remembering this intimate detail about him. For a lot of people it was just a simple thing, liking cars, but for Eddie it had been this private little secret he had only shared with a couple of people, a small connection he kept with his late father who had been a car enthusiast and mechanic. It wasn’t even something he spoke about often, so the fact Richie remembered it was quite… touching. 

“Kind of,” Eddie finally replies as they get onto the highway, holding a bare hand in front of the radiator as the air is finally warming. “It’s kind of hard to keep a hobby like that with no money, no garage, living in an apartment.”

“Is everyone in Queens like dirt poor?” Richie chuckles. “It always seems like that from reading the Spider-Man comics.”

“No, just… my mom wouldn’t have wanted to invest the money in something like that.”

“Ahh, Sonia,” Richie sighed. “How’s my crazy gal doing?”

“No idea,” Eddie muttered, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. “I haven’t… I haven’t talked to her since I left.”

“Oh… How come?”

“We - I, uh - I ran away.”

“Ran away…” Richie repeated slowly. “Aren’t we, like, 20?”

“Yeah, well… I didn’t see another choice. I got a PO Box at the post office so I could apply to the school without her knowing and I didn’t think I’d go through with it, but I got accepted like… five days before the semester started and just kind of went for it. I packed my things and left in the middle of the night and moved into the dorms.”

“Huh.”

Awkward silence sat heavy in the air for a moment as Eddie played with the threads of his glove - he only had the one still, having thrown the other out. 

“I don’t think I’m ever gonna see her again,” Eddie finally said after a while.

“That’s pretty heavy, doc.”

“Doc? Oh - ” Eddie chuckled, remembering. “Doctor K. You used to call me that.”

“Actually, it was a Back to the Future reference,” Richie laughed. “But fair point, Doctor K. Please tell me you’re in premed now.”

“Hell no,” Eddie sighed, thankful for the change of topic. “I’d be the worst doctor. I’d just yell at everyone for being idiots.”

“Wait, let me guess,” Richie mused. “Yelling at people for a living… calling everyone an idiot… Are you planning on being one of my high school teachers?”

“I actually transferred as a math major.”

“ _ Math _ ?” Richie intoned with an air of disgust. “What the hell is wrong with you?”

“Too much,” Eddie shrugged. “I don’t know; I’ve always liked math. It’s concrete. There’s no philosophy, there’s no arguments, it just is what it is.”

“That in itself is kinda poetic of you, Doctor K.”

“What about you?” Eddie was indeed curious what kind of path Richie had chosen for himself.

“Uh, communications.”

“Really? Trashmouth Tozier needs to study  _ communications _ ?” Eddie grinned over at him, but his face altered as he saw that Richie was not looking as amused.

“Yeah, well, talking a lot and talking  _ well _ aren’t synonymous, as made apparent by my lack of social skills and shitty relationships,” he laughed awkwardly. 

Something Stan had said popped into Eddie’s head.  _ I don’t think he has any friends. Everyone finds him annoying _ . They started ruminating and Eddie felt a pang in his chest, wondering how true it was. Growing up, they had only really had each other and their friend Bill, the other kids in town thinking they were just - well, a bunch of losers. That feeling followed Eddie all the way through high school and college; he wondered if it had been the same with Richie.

Someone like Richie, someone who always just tried to make people laugh from what Eddie could remember, shouldn’t have such a hard time being liked. It just didn’t seem fair.

“Do you still talk to Bill?” Eddie asked quietly.

Richie’s hands tightened on the steering wheel a bit as he shifted, looking a bit uncomfortable. It was hard to tell in the dark, the Maine highways absolutely pitch black between the borders of endless wilderness, but Eddie thinks he may look sad.

“Bill, uh… Bill hasn’t been in Derry for a while. He, uh… Georgie died.”

A sinking feeling plummeted through Eddie’s chest, like someone dropped a block of ice down his throat. “Wh - what?”

“Georgie died,” Richie repeated quietly. The steering wheel squeaked as he fidgeted his hands against the rubber. “It happened a few months after you left. The Denbrough’s left not long after that. I can’t really blame them. I haven’t seen Bill since.”

Little Georgie Denbrough. He had been such a delightful, happy child, sometimes coming along with Bill and them on little adventures. Most brothers would have been annoyed, but Bill always let Georgie come along when he asked, and he’d walk with them and listen cheerfully to Eddie cautioning him about ticks in the woods, and chirp with childish giggles at Richie’s stupid jokes. He would have been a teenager by now, he  _ should _ have been an awkward young man going through puberty and calling his brother for advice, and going out to the movies, or even staying in and reading a book in his bedroom. But he wasn’t any of those things now, he was just… gone. He hadn’t even been  _ eight _ yet, Eddie thinks.

“H-how?” Eddie croaked, feeling hot tears run down his face. “What happened?”

“Hit and run I think,” Richie said softly. “They found him in the street, over by Jackson. His arm - ” Richie visibly shudders. “It was a mess.” He looks over at Eddie, who is still silently crying into his lap. One of Richie’s arms jerked awkwardly, as if he was going to reach over to Eddie but thought better of it, putting it back on the wheel.

“Sorry,” Eddie sniffles. “I didn’t mean to ruin the mood.”

“You didn’t,” Richie assures him. “I’m sorry.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“For telling you I guess,” Richie shrugs.

The mood is heavy for the rest of the ride, but Richie is trying to coax Eddie out of it by asking him more questions about his classes as they near his house in Derry. The communications had a surprising variety of classes Richie was telling him about, but he’s still not sure what he wants to do with it.

“I always saw you as a comedian, honestly,” Eddie says encouragingly. “Or a voice actor, if your impressions hadn’t been so shitty,” he adds as teasingly as he can, still reeling from the recent blow.

“ _ I’m ready to go in coach! _ ” Richie says in an unrecognizable voice. “ _ Just give me a chance! _ ” He chuckles to himself as Eddie continues to stare. “Ace Ventura?”

“Never seen it.”

“Nev - never seen it? Eddiiiiiiiiiiiie, I think I know what we’re going to be doing this weekend.”

“You’re going to make me watch weird movies like you used to when we were kids?” Eddie laughs.

“Shit, I don’t think I have that one at home,” Richie is thinking now. “But I’ll see what I’ve got and we can pick a few to watch.”

The idea of watching movies in the intimacy of Richie’s house is washing over Eddie, who is still feeling upset and is now different kinds of confused. When they pull up to Richie’s house, Eddie is further filled by nostalgia and thinking about all the times he had come here after school to eat snacks his mother never would have allowed, or played in this yard for hours on end. Something he doesn’t miss, though, is that all the lights are off. 

“Are your parents sleeping?” he asked while Richie parks. “It’s still so early.”

“They’re probably still out,” said Richie. “Probably have the place to ourselves for a little bit.”

All of the air in Eddie’s lungs seems to squeeze out in an instant, his hand frozen on the car handle. His chest is constricting tightly again as it turns cold. Being alone with another guy, someone Eddie really doesn’t  _ know _ all that well anymore, suddenly becomes one of the most terrifying ideas. Everything suddenly seems suspicious when it had no reason to be, all of Eddie’s rational thought thrown out the window. There was no way any of this was  _ planned _ , there was no possibility Richie was anything like - anything like  _ that _ , let alone gay -

_ I don’t want to fuck a dude _ , Henry had said.

Gay didn’t really have anything to do with it, did it?

“Hey,” Richie says after opening Eddie’s door, making him yelp. “You ok?”

“Sorry, just - just lost in thought,” Eddie mumbled, shakily getting out of the Daewoo. The cold doesn’t ease his nerves, tensing all of his muscles as he follows Richie up to the dark house.

Where they’re going to be alone. 

They’re just at the base of the steps to Richie’s porch when Eddie feels his stomach wretch and he has half a second to react, stumbling over to the bushes and vomiting into the hard dirt. It’s all fresh, barely digested food from the diner and the sheer amount of it is making Eddie feel sicker, so he doesn’t stop.

“Shit, Eds!” he hears Richie exclaim, before his hands are carefully on Eddie’s back. “Are you ok?”

Eddie weakly shakes his head, making an unpleasant, disgusting groan as he gets sick again, his body shaking all the way down to his toes. He’s sick of this and he thinks he wants to be alone, but being alone hasn’t  _ stopped _ this feeling that’s plagued him for a week, so maybe he’s just ruined. No thoughts come to his head that soothe him, but Richie’s hand is warm as it gently rubs up and down his back, the other firmly on Eddie’s shoulder to help hold Eddie up as he’s leaning forward with his hands on his knees. Thinking about the chunks of food he’s spilling out is making him queasier, so he tries to sputter up whatever is left in his mouth to stop the flow of vomit that keeps coming up.

“We should get you some water,” Richie says, moving his hand down to Eddie’s waist to help him stand up. “C’mon, lets get inside.”

_ Nononono, _ Eddie’s brain screams.  _ This is how it happened last time _ .

“I can’t,” Eddie sobs, feeling tears filling his eyes again.

“Hey, it’s ok,” Richie is saying. “We’ll lay you down on the couch and get you some medicine.”

But Eddie is shaking his head and his body is shivering so violently now from nausea and fear _because this is what happened last time, he said he was going to help me_ _and it's happening again_ and Richie’s hands grip him more firmly to try to steady him.

“Eddie, it’s freezing. Please, let’s go inside; you’ll feel better.”

Reluctantly, Eddie allows his feet to move with Richie, leaning on him for balance as it feels like his legs are going to give out.  _ Oh god is this happening again is this what it's going to be like every time oh god please don't let this be happening I can’t take this _ .

Richie is holding him tightly as he unlocks the door, gently ushering Eddie inside before him. A wave of familiar smells hits Eddie and it’s almost immediately comforting. It’s homey, like oak and leather and fresh lemon-scented cleaner, warm and welcoming like a house should be. Browns and burgundy fill the living room, as cozy and resinous as a cabin. It’s putting Eddie a little more at ease as Richie helps him towards the couch, gently sitting him down. One of his hands is on Eddie’s forehead, feeling for a fever.

“Do you think you might throw up again? You want the bathroom?”

Eddie shakes his head, not wanting to be stuck in a more restricting space. “M’fine. Just - just got - I don’t know, maybe sick from my crying.”

“You want to brush your teeth? We’ve got like a hundred toothbrushes.”

“I’m sorry,” Eddie says again, pulling his glove off and hiding his face in his hands. 

“Don’t be sorry,” said Richie, smiling at him kindly as he sits on the floor in front of Eddie with his legs criss-crossed. “We could still watch a movie or something. At least it’s more comfortable here than it is in the dorms, yeah?”

“That’s true,” Eddie smiles at him weakly. 

He’s not sure if he  _ should _ still be panicking or not, but being in the house that was so familiar to his childhood was relaxing him and he doesn’t want to fight it, having been on edge for far too long. He’s grateful that Richie doesn’t bring up his crying, instead just getting Eddie a ginger ale to sip on, taking his coat and replacing it with a warm fleece blanket and bringing over stacks of VHS tapes, all in Blockbuster cassette cases.

“What do you do, steal these?” 

“What? No, I work there. I just take home like ten at a time and bring them back when I’m done,” Richie tells him. 

“Is that allowed?”

Richie shrugs. “No one says anything. I always bring them back. It’s the least they can do for the minimum wage bullshit I deal with every day.”

“My mom never let me watch movies,” Eddie is saying as he picks up a tape, and he’s not really sure why he’s getting into  _ more _ upsetting topics, but his brain seems fixated. “We only had the one TV and mom always put on what she wanted.”

“Couldn’t go out?”

Eddie let out a hollow laugh. “Definitely not. Not like I had friends to go out with anyway.”

It stings saying it, remarking on this empty void in Eddie's life, but Richie just nodded almost in an understanding way.

“What happened? If you don’t mind me asking?”

Eddie started playing with the little tab on his soda can, feeling sheepish. He couldn’t tell Richie the whole reason; it would freak him out. Or even worse, it could give him inappropriate ideas, even though Eddie is trying to rationalize to himself still that Richie wouldn’t take advantage of him.

“She found - uh - fuck, it’s so stupid… She found… porn in my room.”

He knows his face is beet red after he says it, and it doesn’t help that Richie let out a small chuckle.

“Dude, my parents have caught me jerking it at least three times.  _ Each _ . It couldn’t have been that bad.”

Eddie tucks his face under the blanket in embarrassment. “You don’t understand. She was flipping out. I’ve never seen her so angry. I don’t even know why I brought it into the house, it was so fucking stupid of me to do. She was setting up all these rules and crying and - and calling  _ priests _ and dragging me to confession. She was talking about - about  _ sending  _ me somewhere,” Eddie says with a shiver. “I was hearing about these parents that have their kids  _ kidnapped _ and sent to these - these awful therapy camps and I was just so goddamn scared.”

He looks up at Richie finally, his heart beating so rapidly in his chest he’s almost sure that Richie can hear it, but Richie is just looking at him with a sad expression.

“All of this… over porn?”

_ Gay porn _ , Eddie thinks ruefully, but he keeps this to himself, simply nodding.

“Well, fuck her,” Richie finally says after a moment. “You’re better off. Besides… I’m really glad you’re back.”

“Really?” Eddie asked, feeling his chest flutter, akin to his nervousness from before but not accompanied by any of his nausea or paranoia. “This is a really sucky reunion. I came over and puked on your lawn.”

“And it’s the hottest action I’ve gotten in months,” Richie winks at him. 

It sent a giggle through Eddie and he’s not sure if that’s good or scary or embarrassing, but Richie just grins back until Eddie hands him one of the movies he’s looking at.

“Let’s watch this one. I could use a laugh.” 

“Excellent,” Richie says in some ridiculous stereotypical surfer voice, air guitaring before taking it from Eddie’s hands. 

Eddie expects Richie to sit down on the floor where he was before after he pops the VHS in, but he sits directly down next to where Eddie is sitting in the middle of the couch, angling his legs over the armrest and leaning his shoulder against Eddie’s. The proximity is all Eddie can think about as the movie starts, hyper-focused on the heat of Richie’s skin through his shirt. All the ups and downs and emotions just from the last hour alone were sending him spiraling and he lost his ability to watch the movie before it’s even playing. He’s going all he can not to think about little Georgie or the abrupt feelings he has for the young man next to him. It’s not until Richie is nudging him that he can be brought back and realizes that the front door is opening.

Two people stumble through the door and Eddie is immediately caught up by the fact that they’re making out while Richie makes throwing up noises next to him.

“Can you two get a room?” he groans from next to Eddie on the couch.

The two people pull away, the woman giggling over at them drunkenly. “Excuse  _ me _ , young man, but this is  _ my  _ house and I will do as I please in it.”

“Oh, Mags,” the man said, tugging her arm playfully. “We’ve interrupted another date.”

“I’m not on a date,” Richie grumbles defensively, but he sit himself up straight so quickly that Eddie almost fell over from where they were leaning together. Richie rearranged himself against the armrest away from him, a blush on his cheeks.

“Well, don’t mind us, we’re - ” she freezes, narrowing her eyes over at where Eddie is sitting on the couch, and the realization hits them both simultaneously. “Eddie?”

“Hi, Maggie!” Eddie says cheerfully, waving at her with a kind smile.

“Eddie!” she squealed, running over to him and picking him up into a tight hug, all warmth and affection. “Oh my goodness, look at you! Wentworth, look how handsome he got!”

“Mom, let him breath,” said Richie from where he was still sitting, grinning up at them. “He’s not feeling well.”

“Oh, I’m sorry!” Maggie let Eddie drop back down to the couch, looking down at him fondly. “Eddie, are you spending the night?”

“Uh, yeah,” he nodded. 

“Maggie, we can catch up in the morning,” Wentworth yawned, making his way down the downstairs hall. “Give them some space.”

“Okokokok,” Maggie said in quick succession, giving Eddie’s shoulder a squeeze before walking back over to her husband so they could make their way to bed. “It’s so great to see you Eddie! You boys have a good date!”

“It’s not a date!” Richie shouted back at her down the hall. “God, they get so weird, just - just ignore them. I don’t know what she’s on about.”

“Your mom is so nice,” Eddie gushes, his eyes still looking down where Wentworth and Maggie disappeared to go to bed. “I really missed being around your parents.”

He turned to look back at Richie, who was completely red in the face and hiding his face in one of his hands. “It’s date night. They’re probably gonna fuck and we’re gonna hear.”

Laughter erupted from Eddie’s chest at the sheer embarrassed way he had said it, but it made Richie start laughing, too. As embarrassed as Richie was, Eddie couldn’t help but be jealous of their happy, carefree household; the idea was just so foreign to him.

“Maybe we should go up to my room,” Richie finally says. “I have a TV up there, I’ll - I’ll sleep on the floor or something. Seriously, they get freaky and they’ll keep you up all night with whatever weird shit they do in there.”

“Jesus,” Eddie giggled. “I mean, good for them though, right? That’s sweet that they’re still all over each other like that.”

“Whatever,” Richie rolled his eyes, getting up from the couch to take the VHS tape out. “Gross is what it is, but let’s get out of here before you find out the hard way.”

Eddie wrapped the blanket around his shoulders tight, following Richie over to the stairs that led up to his bedroom. He paused at the bottom of the stairs, trying to take a deep breath, thinking about how Richie reacted at his mother’s small accusation. She had thought they were on a date, and Eddie had to wonder what would make her think that. Eddie’s body had been on a rollercoaster of anxiety the whole night, his hand shaking slightly as he grabbed onto the handrail to steady himself. He’s not sure if it’s desperation or fear coursing through his veins as he allows himself to follow Richie once again, not knowing what it will lead to. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was awkward as *hell* but it’s supposed to be, these two have no idea how to act around each other. *stares at the restaurant scene in chapter 2*
> 
> Also, Maggie is not an alcoholic; her and Wentworth just had a very nice date night, they are very good parents and i will die on that hill.


	4. Chapter 4

Richie’s room is clean, which comes as a surprise to Eddie who had only been able to remember it with dirty clothes on the floor and stacks of cups next to his bed on the nightstand. Eddie is hesitant to sit on the bed, but does so tentatively, tightening the fleece blanket around him for some security. Even the comforter is on properly, as if Richie had learned proper bed making and room care since Eddie had left Maine.

There’s a lot of posters on the walls and Eddie can’t help but eye them all as Richie is putting the movie in. The bed is in the far corner, so Eddie has a good view of everything where he sits without having to move around too much, just admiring the eclectic tastes of movies and music surrounding him. Most of it is horror, which doesn’t surprise Eddie in the slightest, as Richie had constantly tried to make Eddie sit through gruesome and scary flicks growing up. 

Eddie’s weight dips down as Richie’s own weight sits on the bed. As the mattress creaks, Eddie thinks about laying there that night and feeling someone crawl into the bed with him and he jumps in panic at the sensation of Richie doing it right now, staring at him with a bewildered expression.

“Eds, you ok?” Richie asked, looking as if he may just get up again.

Eddie takes in a gulp of air  _ because it’s happening again  _ and he’s trying not to want to throw up but at least he can still breathe and he’s not crying, even if his eyes are threatening to do so again.

“I never got you medicine,” Richie said, looking torn between getting up and scooting closer to Eddie.

“I don’t - I don’t need medicine,” Eddie tells him. 

“Eddie Kaspbrak saying no to medication. Never thought I’d see it.”

For years, Eddie hasn’t had anyone to really talk to and share his secrets and it’s become so much for so long that it’s beginning to suffocate him. Hell, part of the reason he left his home was to open up and be more himself. The last time he really had that freedom, that kind of friendship, was those years ago here with Richie. Here he was with him, six years between those moments and now, yet he felt like he could still open up as much as he could. That felt so dangerous… especially after what had happened.

He thinks he can tell Richie, but not really  _ tell _ him everything, so he takes another deep breath trying to steady himself as Richie continues looking over at him with concern. Part of him wants Richie to just crack a joke and end this tension and end this suffering back and forth between Eddie’s upset emotions. It’s probably too much to ask of him right now when Eddie basically came over to his house to puke and cry.

“Rich,” Eddie begins, not able to look up at Richie again quite yet. “I - the reason I got sick - I’m just - I got nervous coming into the house with you.” It’s still quiet, so he says, “I was nervous about us being alone together.”

“Oh,” Richie said quietly. 

Eddie feels him shift and he finally looks up and expects to see Richie looking confused, but instead he looks upset and understanding. Before Eddie can say anything else, Richie speaks again.

“No, yeah, like… I get it. If you’re - if you want to go home, I can have my mom take you. She’ll understand. I didn’t mean to make you feel like I was forcing you to come over.”

“You didn’t,” Eddie tells him, now feeling terrible, because why would Richie know why Eddie is such a damn mess? “I wanted to come - it’s just - when I saw that your parents weren’t home - ”

“You didn’t want to be alone with the queer kid,” Richie interrupted.

Eddie reels back, looking over at Richie incredulously. “Wh - what?”

Richie looks up, his expression akin to a kicked puppy. “I figured you remembered - you know - all the stuff kids would say about me in school. Plus, all the stuff I did to you when we were little,” he adds sheepishly, starting to tap his foot.

“All the stuff you did to me?” Eddie repeated.

“Like, tickle you and pinch your cheeks and stuff,” Richie mumbled awkwardly.

“I - I didn’t really mind any of that stuff,” Eddie heard himself say. “Richie, that’s - that’s not why I was nervous. I didn’t - I didn’t think you were gay. I was nervous because - because  _ I’m  _ gay.”

Even though that wasn’t the  _ entire _ truth, it is partially and Eddie doesn’t realize he’s saying it until it’s already out there and they’re both staring at each other now as this information sinks in. Like word vomit, Eddie can’t stop himself from spilling out more secrets.

“Actually, Richie, I - I really liked it when you would do that stuff,” he said quietly. “I liked you a lot.”

Richie’s jaw drops almost comically and Eddie can’t help but smile a little bit at his expression.

“Are you fucking kidding me?” Richie laughed quietly. “You liked me all that time and I was making a fool of myself for nothing?”

“Not for nothing.” Eddie smiles brighter. “I said I liked it. You were an idiot but it was - cute.”

Richie scooted closer to him and a wave of nausea rolled over Eddie again and he can’t tell if it’s terror or infatuation coming over him. Something is tickling his pinky and he looks down to see Richie gingerly moving over his hand, so he takes it firmly before looking up at him again. 

Richie’s smiling at him and he looks so goddamn beautiful that Eddie can forget about his nausea and fear and the only aching he focuses on is the aching to be touched by someone he  _ wants _ to be touching him when he’s been touch starved for so long. It’s in this moment that Eddie realizes he can’t recognize the look Richie is giving him, that he’s so adored by him and if this isn’t the look he got last week, then it must be something different, something actually worthwhile and good.

“Eds… can I - ”

Eddie doesn’t waste a second to lean forward and kiss him. It’s stupid, because he’s never really done this before, not except for the pantry but he’s trying not to think about that and just focus on Richie’s mouth against his own. Richie’s soft laugh ghosts his lips, pulling away briefly to whisper, “I was gonna ask if I can ask you out, but this is good, too.”

It’s slow and sweet and Richie’s hand on Eddie’s cheek eases the tension he’s feeling so he leans in and tilts his head and wonders if he’s supposed to open his mouth more, but as he tries to kiss Richie deeper he feels him stiffen against him, so he pulls away.

Richie looks  _ disgusted _ and Eddie is just about to cry again from sheer embarrassment until Richie says, “Good thing I gave you the ginger ale.”

“Oh. Oh  _ Jesus _ , I’m sorry!” Eddie gasped, cupping his hands over his mouth. He had just been  _ puking _ not an hour ago.

“It’s ok!” Richie chuckled lightly, gently taking Eddie’s wrists to lower his hands down. 

Richie leaned in and placed a kiss so soft on Eddie’s cheek he feels like he’s deflating into a puddle. He doesn’t want Richie to pull away, so he leaned forward, gracefully sliding his face into the crook of Richie’s neck until he felt Richie’s arms around him. It was a good place to melt.

“I wanted to do that for a really long time,” Eddie heard Richie say softly. 

“Me, too,” Eddie sighed, taking a deep breath of Richie’s scent. “I’ll make sure I brush my teeth next time.”

Richie vibrates with light laughter beneath Eddie’s weight. “I’d appreciate that. Do you still want to watch the movie?”

“As opposed to what?” Eddie asked nervously, feeling his heart beating harder again. He couldn’t seem to catch a break from panic.

“Sleeping, I guess. You’ve had a rough couple hours. You should probably take it easy.”

Eddie feels Richie’s hand gently stroking his back and it’s comforting, Eddie thinks, but every time it dips anywhere lower than Eddie’s shoulder he can’t help but twitch a little at the sensation. After a few seconds it’s obvious that Richie can sense it, because he just wraps his arm around Eddie’s shoulder, and pulls him back to look at him again.

“Sleep actually sounds nice,” Eddie tells him. “You can - you can sleep in the bed if you want.”

“Really?”

“Well, I mean, it’s - it’s  _ your _ bed,” Eddie laughed awkwardly. 

“I know, but - I don’t want to make you uncomfortable.”

It’s a simple consideration, and Richie doesn’t even know the  _ weight _ that it has on Eddie to suggest something like that, just to make Eddie feel safe. Eddie can only nod to show his appreciation. All his overthinking about what Richie’s parents could hear from their bedroom and whether or not he kept an eye on his soda can well enough finally subsided in favor of trust. It’s probably stupid and it’s probably a little bit in desperation for something he’s always wanted, but he can’t seem to care when Richie is looking at him like that.

They changed into pajamas and Richie is laughing when he comes back from the bathroom to see how Eddie is absolutely swimming in his clothes. 

“Cute, cute, cute,” he grins as he crawls into the bed, climbing over Eddie to sit on the side of the wall. It’s another little comfort, allowing Eddie to get up freely without feeling trapped.

“Be quiet,” Eddie mumbled, but can’t help but grin and blush at it. 

The TV is still on so the darkness is not so intrusive when Eddie leans over and turns the lamp off. Richie lowers the volume so that it’s barely audible, but doesn’t turn it off. Eddie isn’t sure how to sleep. Now that he thinks about it, the last time they had sleepovers they used to  _ cuddle  _ and Eddie can’t fathom the idea right now when there’s things like morning wood to consider.

“I missed this,” he heard Richie say. He looked over and Richie still has his glasses on, but his eyes are slowly fluttering as he’s watching the TV, propped up ever so slightly on his pillows. “Even if, you know… you remember how annoying I am and get sick of me. This is still nice.”

“I’m not going to get sick of you,” Eddie said, frowning and rolling over onto his side towards Richie. “Don’t say stupid shit like that.”

“We’ll see,” Richie said, smiling sadly. 

Eddie can’t really help himself scooting closer, not really snuggling him, but until his chin is just barely over Richie’s shoulder. He doesn’t really know what to say. He wants another one of those pills Patty had given him last week, but he’s so exhausted from the sheer stress of the last few days that it's not hard for him to start drifting off in the familiar scent of Richie’s pillows. 

Daylight comes so quickly that Eddie doesn’t realize he’s slept at all. None of his dreams came to mind and he thinks it's the first decent rest he’s gotten since - well,  _ since _ . He’s not really sure what he wants to call it, even if the words are threatening to make their way to the surface of his forebrain. 

Birds are chirping outside the window and the only other sound is Richie’s light snoring. Eddie lifts himself up to rub sleep from his eyes and smiles down at Richie, who looks like he fell asleep exactly as he had been when Eddie closed his eyes. Even his glasses were still on, so Eddie reached over to gently guide them off, setting them down on the nightstand.

Having a dentist as a dad must have some perks, Eddie thinks as he opens the cabinet in the bathroom and finds literally dozens of toothbrushes and dental hygiene products. He takes a red one for himself and grabs some mouthwash to finally rinse out the sick from last night, only a little bothered that he had slept without doing so first. The bathroom looks the same as it did; Eddie looks around at it while brushing his teeth and notices the only difference is that there aren’t any feminine soaps or shampoo in the shower; Richie’s sister must be away for school, having only been a year below them. He wonders where she ended up going as he rinsed his mouth out and headed back to the bedroom.

Not knowing what else to do, Eddie sat down on the bed and it stirred Richie awake. Eddie watched as he stretched into a yawn, opening his eyes to look up at Eddie dazily.

“Mornin’,” he grumbled, smiling up at him.

“Morning,” Eddie smiled back. He can’t really help himself, now that his breath is fresh, leaning down and kissing Richie again.

They’re close and Eddie doesn’t realize where his hand goes until he feels something through the blanket just before resting his hand on Richie’s hip. Richie startles just ever so slightly and Eddie takes a second to process what he just brushed against.

“Sorry,” Richie whispered with a laugh. “Mind of its own.”

Something comes over Eddie, a flush of heat that has him pushing down on Richie until he’s all the way back on the mattress and Eddie is straddling him. Now he can  _ really _ feel it, pressing through the blanket against Eddie’s thigh and he lets out a moan into Richie’s mouth which takes them both by surprise. Richie hesitates before his hands find their way on Eddie’s waist, but it feels too cold for how hot Richie’s skin really is, so Eddie grabs Richie’s wrists harshly and throws his hands up over his head, pinning them down.

“Jesus,” Richie said. “You gonna tie me up or something?”

Eddie pulls back and looks down at Richie intently for a moment. “Can I?”

“Can - can you?”

“Tie you up,” Eddie clarified, his heart pounding heavily in his chest.

“Uh - oh - okay.”

Eddie’s not really thinking anymore as he tugs off his sweater, leaning forward to quickly tie Richie’s wrists to the headboard. Now that Eddie has complete control over him, the heat is building up and his belly tightens, kissing Richie again roughly. He can feel how Richie’s arms are straining, fighting back against the bondage with his need to reach out, and Eddie has a hand on Richie’s face while he’s sliding his tongue into Richie’s mouth. It’s clumsy but their kissing is basically just spit and breath at this point as their hips are grinding together. His hands may be bound, but Richie is bucking up into Eddie, who presses his hand down on Richie’s thigh to keep him still so he can rut into it. 

Another moan escapes him feeling the friction between his legs, and it vibrates against Richie’s tongue in his mouth. He can hear Richie letting out faint groans deep from his chest. One of Eddie’s hands reaches up into Richie’s hair, sliding his fingers into the curls and gripping tight so he can leverage himself and grind himself harder into Richie’s thigh. It happens so fast he doesn’t realize it until it's over, when that familiar pull tugs at the base of his belly until an electrical pleasure rolled straight through him from between his legs. Eddie lets out a guttural groan as his cum spills into his briefs where he’s rubbing into Richie. 

Richie is still kissing him like nothing happened when Eddie pushes himself off and stares down in horrifying embarrassment, watching Richie’s face as he’s comprehending what just happened.

“Did you tie me up so you could hump my leg like a dog?” Richie asked, starting to laugh.

“Oh my god,” Eddie groaned, his face burning with shame. He’s not sure what’s the more embarrassing part of this, but it’s quickly overcoming him and he’s starting to hyperventilate again. His inhaler is downstairs and he’s frozen.

“Whoa, Eds, it’s ok - shit!” Richie tried to reach out, but his hands are still tied up with Eddie’s sweater. “Hold on, Eddie, get me out real quick.”

Eddie let out a dry sob, leaning over to try and undo the tight fabric, but his hands are shaking. He can faintly hear Richie under him trying to calm him down, but Eddie is too lost in his panic. He finally gets the sweater loose, pulling a few of the green threads out by accident, but Richie immediately sits himself up and wraps around him.

“Hey, you didn’t do anything wrong,” Richie whispered. His body is all warm and he squeezes tight to try to calm Eddie’s shaking body, but Eddie isn’t sure it’s helping.

“I didn’t - I didn’t ask if that was ok,” Eddie cried softly. The idea that he just violated Richie is more profoundly upsetting than his sexual inexperience and it makes his chest tight as he tries to breathe.

“It was ok, Eds, I promise. Please don’t cry.”

He hadn’t really been, but now that Richie was asking him not to, his eyes started tearing up, so he clings to Richie’s back tightly. One of Richie’s hands reaches up to the back of Eddie’s head, gently stroking his hair.

“I shouldn’t have done that,” Eddie said into Richie’s shoulder.

“Hey, it’s fine. I promise you it’s fine. Do you need your inhaler?”

“No,” Eddie croaked. “Maybe I should go home.”

He can feel Richie sigh under him before gently pulling Eddie back up. He can’t really look at him, especially while sitting on his lap in the bed, but Richie brushes his hair back from Eddie’s forehead, his thumb gently grazing his cheek.

“Do you want to take a shower before you go?”

The bathroom here would be more private than the dorms, and Eddie really feels like he needs to clean up before changing or setting foot in Richie’s car again, so he agrees. The water is as hot as Eddie can stand it, letting it scald his skin and take his focus away from his thoughts. He hasn’t actually taken a shower at Richie’s house before, except for one time.

There was a Sunday mid spring many years ago, when they were probably twelve; April showers hit heavy, and Richie had the brilliant idea of tying the tops of his trash cans to Bill’s bike so they could go  _ mud surfing _ . Knowing his mother wouldn’t approve, Richie literally dragged a protesting Eddie and held him down in his lap while Bill rode through the lawn with all the power his legs could muster. 

As they got splattered with muck and grass, Eddie’s protesting cries turned into fits of laughter, aided by his internal delight being held by Richie so tightly, keeping him safe from falling off. When Bill couldn’t go on anymore, his body exhausted, Richie actually looked guilty when he looked down at Eddie’s soaked clothes and hair, even as Eddie laid there giggling. Eddie can still remember thinking how weird it was to see the boisterous wild boy looking so cautious and upset.

“I shouldn’t have made you do that,” young Richie had told Eddie, helping him up from the damaged trash lid. “Your mom is going to be so pissed.”

“Oh,  _ now _ you realize that?” Eddie giggled, slipping a little in the mud as he stood. “I can just take a shower and wash my clothes before I go home, Richie.”

The most striking thing was when Maggie was getting Eddie a towel and some clothes to wear while she did the laundry, and she put her hand on Eddie’s shoulder and whispered so that Richie couldn’t hear her from down the hall.

“Richie does a lot of things without thinking, Eddie. I think he just wants to make you laugh and forgets about the consequences before it’s too late. I’ll talk to him about keeping his hands to himself, ok?”

But Eddie never wanted Richie to keep his hands to himself, not then and maybe not even now. It’s a strange push and pull in Eddie’s brain and he wonders if maybe now that Richie has been able to mature in a house with supportive parents, ones that seem to  _ know _ they have a son that likes boys, he’s been able to learn better etiquette than Eddie has. The only experience Eddie has now is - well, something he never wanted, and now something he forced on someone else. Richie said it was ok, but how is Eddie supposed to know where their lines are? Eddie can’t sit there literally tying people up and giving himself all the control just because  _ he’s  _ scared of what someone might do to him.

“Feeling better?” Richie asked politely when Eddie came back into the room. He’s changed into something Eddie would akin to the attire of a retired dentist in Florida and Eddie wonders if he’s just wearing Wentworth’s clothes with tattered jeans.

“Yeah, a lot better,” Eddie muttered.

“Here,” said Richie, handing Eddie his sweater. “I fixed all the frays and stuff.”

Eddie pulled it back over his head and looked up to see Richie still smiling sweetly at him. 

“That’s a really nice color on you.”

“Really?” Eddie asked. “Green is so… blech.”

“Makes you look really earthy,” Richie smiled, reaching up to brush Eddie’s wet hair out of his eyes. “Very fitting with the Bambi eyes thing you got going on.”

Eddie gulped audibly and tried to take in just how tall Richie has gotten, how he’s towering over him. It’s equally as unnerving as it is getting him flustered again and he wonders if, despite how skinny Richie still is, he can throw Eddie over his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry I dry humped your leg,” Eddie blurted out. 

Richie guffawed, his face lighting up. “Please  _ never  _ apologize for humping me.”

“I’ve never done that before,” Eddie admitted shyly, looking down at where he’s playing with the hem of his sweater.

Richie lifts Eddie’s face up with a finger under his chin, looking at him carefully. “There’s nothing wrong with you, Eddie. I promise. There’s lots of people like us. You shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”

“Aren’t you?” Eddie asked seriously. Even though partially he’s afraid for other reasons, his own shame from being in the closet so long is still strong.

“A little,” Richie said sadly. “I have Derry to thank for that.” He sighed, dropping his hand and trying to smile again. “Would it help if we started over? Like, maybe go on an actual date, planned out and everything?”

“I’d like that,” Eddie smiled back. “But where do we go in Maine in the middle of winter?”

“You trust me to keep it a surprise?” Richie grinned.

Unsure if he could answer without sounding distressed, Eddie simply nodded. He was grateful it was a bit early, not wanting to look Richie’s parents in the eye just yet. Thankfully, Richie had to work during the afternoon, allowing Eddie to go back to his dorm feeling a lot less guilty.

“When can I see you again, Fido?” asked Richie as they drove up to York.

“Fido?”

“Yeah, since you acted like a dog this morning. Too soon?” Richie laughed as Eddie hid his face with another groan. “I only have one class Tuesday, it would be nice driving all the way out here with something else to do besides listen to Kabir ramble for an hour.”

Eddie froze. “You have… you’re in Kabir’s class?”

“Yeah, it’s just one of those random gen ed classes I need to do,” Richie shrugged. “Do you have Kabir?”

“I - I was in her class, but - but I dropped it,” Eddie said quietly. “She - she only has the one lecture. I didn’t notice you there.”

“No shit? Well, that kind of blows. I don’t suppose you want to meet me after class?”

“No!” Eddie shouted, startling Richie. “I mean - I have a class right after. Over in Aubert.”

“ _ Aw-Bert? _ It’s pronounced like  _ oh-bare _ ,” Richie laughed. “I can hang out in the library or something and meet up with you after if you want. I can wait for you in the front lobby.”

“Do you know anyone else in your class?” Eddie asked a little shakily. “In Kabir’s, I mean?”

“Hmm, not really. I recognize some people from over the last few semesters but no one I hang out with. Why?”

“Just - just wondering.”

_ What if they ever talk? _ It’s such a small class compared to others, it’s reasonable to think they might have to interact. The idea of Richie and Patrick talking together, laughing together, sends a shiver through Eddie before he even opens the door.

“So what do you say?” Richie asked. “We have a date? Well, not date-date exactly - ”

“Yeah, ok,” Eddie nodded fervently. “I’d like that a lot. It’ll be nice not - not walking around campus by myself.”

“Perfect,” Richie grinned. “I’ll see you then, Spaghetti Man.”

The old nickname brings Eddie out of his dark little funk and he can feel childlike glee for a brief moment. He can’t help himself as he leans over and kisses Richie so briefly and swiftly that he’s immediately embarrassed and stumbles out of the car awkwardly. He doesn’t even really say goodbye, but he doesn’t miss the smirk he can see on Richie’s face while he drives off, leaving Eddie to walk back to his dorm wondering what the hell he's even doing. 


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am being mocked by my other WIP’s and other two chapter fics, but I already had the first 6-8 chaps of this one *mostly* written and I just can’t ignore them sitting there to near completion *shrug*
> 
> enjoy!

Eddie ends up spending the majority of his Saturday alone in the dorm before Stan comes in during the afternoon, a little dressed up and wearing a kippah. 

“You really go to Temple on sabbath?” Eddie asked curiously. “I’ve seen you eat bacon in the dining hall.”

“It’s for my parents,” Stan sighed, undoing his tie as he slipped his shoes off. “My dad is the Rabbi; it wouldn’t look too good if his only son stopped coming. How was Richie’s?”

“Fine,” Eddie squeaked before clearing his throat, feeling himself blush, trying not to look up from his book. “Fine. We just hung out and watched a movie and uh… caught up. How was the night with Patty?”

Stan paused, glancing over at Eddie with a strange expression before slipping his jacket off. “She kept bringing you up.”

“O-oh?”

“Yeah, kept asking how you’ve been doing during the week,” Stan muttered as he sat on the bed. “Are you two…?”

“We’re not anything, Stan,” Eddie assured him, finally looking up. “Seriously, I just met her that one night and nothing happened.”

“Right.” Not looking convinced, Stan pulled his books off of his desk where he sat on the end of the bed.

“Stan, I’m gay.”

Stan looked up, eyebrows raised. “What?”

“I am gay,” Eddie repeated. “Very gay. Patty knows that. There’s nothing going on; promise. ANd I’m not - I’m not, like, into you or whatever. Not that you’re not - I mean, you’re ok - ”

“Ok, that’s enough,” Stan said bluntly, a blush creeping into his cheeks. “I mean that’s - that’s good though. That you’re not into Patty.”

“Nope. Definitely not.”

Neither of them said anything in the awkwardness that set in for a few moments before Stan finally closed his books and through them back onto the desk.

“Do you want to grab lunch?”

“Huh?”

“Lunch,” Stan repeated. “I’m starving. We should get some food.”

“Oh, uh. Sure.”

The only annoying thing about the dining hall was that, despite being in the exact building as their dorm, they still had to walk outside into the winter cold and walk around the building in order to get in. It didn’t seem very fair, but neither did having the building be so far away from all the main class buildings. 

The weekends are nice because so many students aren’t on campus between classes waiting to eat, so it’s only the dorm kids hanging out. They’re able to find a table with no issue and Stan doesn’t wait a second before talking again.

“So you’re gay.”

“Jesus,” Eddie muttered, looking around to see if anyone was within earshot. “Keep it down.”

“Why would you come up to Maine?” Stan asked seriously. “Wouldn’t New York be… I don’t know, easier?”

“It’s complicated,” said Eddie. It was one thing to talk about it with Richie, who he had been sharing fruit roll ups with since he was a toddler, but he wasn’t really in the mood to get into this with Stan.

“I suppose it might be cheaper coming here,” Stan reasoned to himself. “Even with the out-of-state tuition. I wanted to go to NYU, but even on scholarships the price was too crazy.”

“Do you mind if Richie comes over on Tuesday?” Eddie asked, realizing he didn’t know what he and Richie would be doing on Tuesday. Richie didn’t refer to it as the _date_ he had intended on having.

“I’m in classes all day,” Stan shrugged. He paused as he stuck his fork into his food. “Just make sure you put a sock on the door if you do anything.”

Eddie choked on his sandwich, accidentally spraying bits of lettuce and tomato on Stan’s tray. Both of them thought it best if they didn’t bring that up again.

Without having Richie’s phone number, Eddie could do nothing but anxiously await Tuesday to come. On Monday morning, he realized it was probably best he start going to his classes, but it wasn’t without a pit of anxiety in his stomach. He found himself looking over his shoulder the whole day, even though he had never seen Patrick outside of Kabir’s class on campus. That didn’t comfort him, realizing that he could be _anywhere_ at any given moment. He didn’t know his schedule or routine, and he certainly didn’t know Henry’s, or even whether or not Henry would recognize him.

Eddie didn’t know what Henry looked like, which consistently sent him spiraling throughout the day. He’s not sure how he’s able to function in his classes, but he makes it to Tuesday when he’s sitting in the Aubert building, his pencil rapidly drumming on his knee as he watches the clock tick away.

There’s a throng of people in the hall, but Eddie’s heart does a somersault in his chest when he sees a curly mop and thick framed glasses, tall and awkward as he stands by the door. As excited as Eddie is to see him, he doesn’t want to linger, so he immediately starts tugging on Richie’s sleeve to bring him outside.

“Hey!” Richie grinned, turning to follow Eddie out into the harsh wind. “Fuck me, it’s freezing.”

“Yeah, we can just go straight to my dorm,” said Eddie, tucking his chin under his jacket. 

“Where are you at?”

“York. It’s a little far.”

“They put all the dorms on the edges of campus,” Richie scoffs. “They don’t want to make it easy for you.”

“Were you parents mad I wasn’t there Saturday morning?” Eddie asked.

“Nah, they were too hungover to care much about anything.”

There’s a little snapping sound and Eddie looks up to see Richie lighting a cigarette, and he can’t help but wrinkle his nose at it.

“You smoke? Still, Richie?”

“Sorry,” Richie said, smiling sheepishly as he blows out a puff of smoke. “It’s just a very slow form of suicide for my miserable existence.”

“That’s not funny,” Eddie muttered. “I don’t want to think about you getting cancer like my dad did, Richie.”

“Oh,” Richie says as his face falls, looking at his cigarette shamefully. “Right. Sorry.”

Eddie doesn’t say anything as Richie licks his palm and puts the cigarette out in his own spit, wincing a little bit as he does so. After he throws it into a trash bin on their way and wipes his palm on his jeans, Eddie is tempted to reach out for it and hold his hand for the rest of the way. Even though it’s not a long way and no one is really around, he still doesn’t want to risk it.

“Not very materialistic, are ya, Eds?” Richie said as they settled into the room.

It’s very imbalanced, the two sides of the room. Stan’s side is filled with photos and books on his shelves, a decorative board on the wall over his bed, and various little knick knacks and trinkets on the surfaces. On Eddie’s side, though… well, besides he’s basic hygiene stuff on his dresser, a small amount of clothes in his closet… that was really it. The most lively thing on Eddie’s side was his comforter, and even that was a plain crimson red.

“You can, uh… turn on Stan’s radio,” Eddie said awkwardly. “He doesn’t mind if I use it.”

“Let me guess,” said Richie, eyeing the various appliances. “Radio is Stan’s, mini fridge is Stan’s, and the coffee machine is…?”

“Stan’s, yeah,” Eddie chuckled, sitting on his bed, because he doesn’t know what else to do. What the fuck _are_ they going to do?

Richie fiddles with the stations for a bit before he lands on a song Eddie doesn’t recognize, something that sounds a little heavy and sad but he kind of vibes with it, too. It takes him a little off guard when Richie hops onto the bed playfully, and pulls Eddie into him from around the waist.

“Wha - what is this?”

“Cuddling,” Richie laughed, hugging Eddie tightly to his chest. “What, you forget what hugs are now?”

“No, just - it’s been a while,” Eddie stammered, trying his best to relax. 

“Stan isn’t coming back for a bit, is he?”

There it is, the panic setting in again. Cold dips into Eddie’s chest and his breath hitches, wondering what his answer will mean to Richie. After Eddie had literally come on Richie’s leg the other day, he wasn’t sure what kind of ideas Richie had in his head about Eddie now. 

“I think - I think he’s out for a while,” Eddie said quietly, his voice slightly strained.

“Mmm,” Richie hummed, nuzzling his face into Eddie’s neck. 

He can’t lie to himself and say he doesn’t crave this kind of affection. It’s what he’s always wanted, what he’s always dreamed about. His thirteen-year-old self would be screaming right now if he could see him and Richie like this. He tries to relax against Richie, just trying to listen to the music.

“This is - uhm - nice.”

Something tickles his neck and he realizes Richie is smiling and he feels Richie plant a small kiss just at the nape. Eddie’s heartbeat is so insanely loud he’s not sure why Richie isn’t feeling it or saying anything about it.

“I’m really happy you’re back,” whispered Richie, his breath sending goosebumps through Eddie’s skin. 

“Me too.” He thinks he sounds more relaxed than he feels. “What - what did you want to do?”

“How do you feel about a drive up to the mountains?”

“What, now?”

“No, for our date,” Richie continued. He shifted his leg up, which makes Eddie’s leg move up with it. Whether he realized it or not, it spread Eddie’s legs out a little bit and a rush of heat rolled through Eddie’s body. “We can get some hot cocoa and drive around the lakes. Watch the sunset over a cliff. Maybe we’ll even see a moose.”

Eddie can’t help but laugh at the simplicity of it. “That sounds so… country. Is this what the Mainers do for fun still?”

Richie chuckled under him. “Well it’s that or we can drink whiskey and full around in the back of the Daewoo.”

God help him, Eddie lets out a whimper. Richie catches it and freezes for a moment before one of his hands gently tilts Eddie’s head so he has better access to his neck and he gently starts sucking on the base of it. Eddie fidgets and he let out a sigh, his hand reaching over to gently squeeze Richie’s thigh. 

“Are you - are you sure you want to wait to get in the Daewoo?” Eddie pants, wiggling in Richie’s grasp as he tightens his arm around Eddie’s waist. 

The hand that was on Eddie’s chin drops and slowly runs up Eddie’s inner thigh and he doesn’t know why he’s not more frightened at how familiar this is, someone propping him up from behind and touching him like this, but Richie’s hand isn’t painful as it reached up to cup Eddie, forcing him to let out a small gasp.

“Is this ok?” Richie whispered, his voice deep with lust. It’s not something Eddie could have ever dreamed of hearing out of the variety of voices from _Richie_ fucking _Tozier_ , but it’s sending his mind into a frenzy. Eddie can only nod and buck his hip up into Richie’s hand against his cock and he moans again until Richie reaches a hand over his mouth. “Shhh. These dorm walls are really thin.”

He goes to move his hand, but Eddie slaps his own over Richie’s to leave it pressed there over his mouth because he _wants_ to be loud and he _wants_ this to be ok to do. Richie lets out a low “ _fuck_ ” and frantically starts trying to undo Eddie’s jeans one-handed, keeping his other tight around Eddie’s face. Eddie has a hand still on Richie’s thigh and he’s gripping it tight to keep himself grounded, trying not to let his mind slip into the familiarity of the situation still, trying to focus on what’s happening _now_ and who he’s with.

Once his cock is out he can’t help but whine in the back of his throat, feeling Richie’s large hand wrapping around it. He feels self-conscious as a voice pops into his head -

 _There’s practically nothing down here_.

Eddie lets out a sob, but Richie can’t see his face and probably doesn’t realize Eddie is starting to panic. Eddie thinks maybe it’s too much, that maybe he can’t do this, until Richie starts whispering again.

“You feel amazing,” Richie breathed against Eddie’s jaw as his hand was working on him. “You’ve got such a pretty cock, baby. Is that ok? Can I call it pretty?”

Eddie’s chest swells at the affection so he nods again and Richie’s hand pumps faster while Eddie keeps squirming and moaning and all the unwelcome thoughts are starting to dissipate. He looks down because he still can’t really believe it’s happening and whimpers at the sight of his tip disappearing and appearing from Richie’s fist moving along Eddie’s foreskin.

“You’re so fucking gorgeous,” Richie keeps telling him, nibbling on the bottom of Eddie’s ear, and he can’t believe how all the feelings he thought could only come from touching his dick were spreading throughout all his limbs and going off like little sparklers under his skin where Richie’s mouth is on him. “I want you to come for me again. You sound so fucking sexy when you come.”

He keeps rambling in Eddie’s ear and Eddie finally rolls his head back onto Richie’s shoulder and squeezes his eyes tight as his brain turns to static and he can feel himself coming onto Richie’s hand. Richie takes him through it with ease, slowing his pace down just right until Eddie’s chest was heaving.

Just as his mind is trying to ease into clarity, all the excitement is quickly overtaken by alarm and he can’t stop taking deep breaths that are turning into sobs as Richie releases his hand from Eddie’s face.

“Richie,” Eddie heaved. “I’m - I’m having - a - a panic attack.”

He can’t see Richie’s face, but the hand Richie had over Eddie’s mouth is firmly on his chest now, pressing Eddie against him.

“Hey, slow down,” he said calmly. “Feel my chest, ok? Can you match my breathing? Try that for me, Eds.”

Leaning back as best he can, Eddie tries to follow the rhythm of Richie’s breathing, slow and steady beneath him. Squeezing his eyes tight to stop the tears (and so he can’t look at Richie’s other hand still covered in Eddie’s cum), Eddie simply focuses on easing his breath until he and Richie are moving together fluidly. 

“There you go,” said Richie. “Is that better?”

Eddie nodded, because he’s still trying not to cry anymore and he hates himself for doing this _again._ But Richie is calm, easing himself from out of where he’s been lying beneath Eddie. He finds Stan’s tissues and cleans his hand off while Eddie pulls up his pants uncomfortably.

“I’m so sorry,” Eddie cried softly, pulling his legs up to his chest. 

“Don’t be sorry.” Richie sat back down on the bed in front of Eddie, resting his chin on one of Eddie’s knees so he could look him in the eye. “Does this usually happen with you?”

Not quite, Eddie thinks, as he has always felt guilty about his feelings from all his mother’s homophobic rants and his horrible classmates. But it’s definitely worse now, his brain not quite being able to make the distinction between what he wants and _what happened_ and it feels terrible to even want anything at all. 

“I’m being a cocktease,” Eddie said, trying to lighten the mood. He doesn’t realize what he's implying by saying that, but Richie just chuckled in return.

“Hey, I’m in no rush. I’m just happy to be here.” His smile is so genuine it does make Eddie feel better, but he still has this huge weight of guilt on his chest.

“Richie,” Eddie started. “Have you - are you a virgin?”

“No,” Richie said right away. 

The reaction Eddie gets is immediate, like acid dripping in his gut. He shouldn’t have asked, because now he’s thinking about what Richie’s done and _who_ he’s done these things with and it _shouldn’t_ bother him, but he can’t help but be upset. He doesn’t really want to know but he does, and he keeps thinking about all the possibilities and he thinks his imagination might be worse than reality so he can’t stop himself from asking more questions.

“Any - anyone I know?” he asked awkwardly, thinking about all the kids they grew up with.

“Like, here? Or from Derry?”

“You’ve slept with people from both?”

“You kind of sound like you don’t want to know.”

“I don’t know,” Eddie said honestly. “I’m just - I’m curious what you’ve gotten yourself into. Or - who you’ve gotten yourself into,” he added with an awkward laugh that he hates. 

Richie shook his head. “What, you want me to start pointing people out on campus?”

“Why, is it a lot?” Eddie asked more nervously, because it’s been a _long_ time and he can’t imagine how long Richie has been… experienced for.

“Eds,” Richie warns. 

“Sorry, I’ll stop.” Eddie yawned, his body exhausted from the handjob and panic attack coming in quick succession, but he doesn’t want Richie to leave yet. “Would it be lame if I wanted to take a nap?”

“God, no,” Richie smiled at him. “Sleep is my second favorite activity, so sharing both with you today is a plus.”

“You’re ridiculous,” Eddie chuckled, but he’s relieved that Richie is pulling him back into the bed to lay down.

“Blanket or no blanket?” Richie asked, wiggling his eyebrows.

“Blanket.” 

They get under and Eddie snuggles himself right into Richie’s chest, tucking himself between Richie’s legs.

“Apologies for my inevitable boner,” Richie chuckled into Eddie’s hair. “But no obligation on your part, I promise.”

“Thanks,” Eddie sighed, trying to get as close as possible without literally breaking open Richie’s rib cage. He’s so large around Eddie and warm and it’s lulling him to sleep so easily, Eddie doesn’t know how he’s going to sleep without him.

“This was the best part about sleepovers growing up,” said Richie. “You were always such a snuggler. It was definitely a guilty pleasure.”

“All my pleasures were guilty pleasures with my mom,” said Eddie.

There’s a brief pause before Richie says more quietly, “Do you miss her?”

“I don’t… I don’t really know.”

“It’s ok if you do. It’s ok if you don’t, too.”

“Why are you suddenly busting out all this wisdom at me? You become Mr. Miyagi while I was gone?”

He feels Richie shake lightly with laughter.

“It’s not wisdom as much as it is just not giving a shit anymore. But whatever helps. You know, my parents said you’re always welcome over… so I don’t want you to feel like you have nowhere to go.”

It’s a kind thought and a good one for Eddie to drift off to, forgetting to answer Richie altogether until he’s woken up by something hitting him in his face. He blinks his eyes open and sees one of his rolled up socks in the crook where his and Richie’s bodies are pressed together.

Deja Vu.

“Seriously, Stan?” Eddie mumbled, turning around to face his roommate. “R’not doin’ anything.”

“Your night class is starting in like twenty minutes,” Stan whispered.

What he says doesn’t really hit Eddie and then its suddenly sinking in that it’s _dark_ and they must’ve slept all fucking day.

“Rich! Wake up!”

“S’mata?” Richie grumbled.

“I have to go to my night class,” Eddie said ruefully. “I missed it last week so I have to go.”

Richie stretched out his limbs like a cat, his long legs reaching out over Eddie’s desk. Eddie hopped off the bed, trying to shove his sneakers on and figuring he would just shove a beanie on and forget about his hair which was a disastrous disarray on his head. Richie is getting ready slowly and lazily, which has Eddie bouncing on his toes. 

“Maybe you should just get going, Eddie,” Stan suggested, rolling his eyes at Richie shoving one of his boots on the wrong foot.

“Yeah, I’ll be - be - oooook,” Richie assured him through a yawn.

“Can you leave your number?” Eddie asked him hopefully. “So we can make plans again?”

“Sure thing, Spaghetti,” Richie smiled sleepily at him. 

Not sure if he should kiss Richie in front of Stan or not, Eddie decides to hug him quickly before he goes and is delighted to feel Richie kiss him softly on the cheek. He’s definitely blushing as he’s running out the door with his backpack, biting his lip to stop his stupid grin from being plastered on his face the entire run up to campus.

Eddie spends the entire class thinking about his morning with Richie. He’s a little bit hungry and hopes he can catch dinner in the dining hall since he’s skipped lunch, but his thoughts are otherwise consumed by what he had done with him. He can’t help but wonder if he’d be like this with Patrick - had things not gone the way they did. If he would’ve been so open to allowing something like this happen if Eddie had spent just a bit more time with him. He wants to stop thinking of shit like this, because none of the answers makes him feel better.

None of it should matter. Eddie tells himself he needs to forget it happened and focus on what he’s doing with Richie. But thinking about that can’t help but make him still feel nervous, because Richie has been with people and for some reason Eddie keeps picturing it, like a broken record in his mind. Deep down he knows he knows he doesn’t _care_ , but Eddie sits there wondering about any little detail; how much Richie liked them, how far they went, how long they were seeing each other, _if_ they were even seeing each other or if it was just a one night stand -

Did they all _want_ to be with Richie? Did Richie want to be with them?

“Jesus,” Eddie muttered as he chewed on his pen cap. Why is he doing this to himself? Why can’t his brain just ever shut the fuck up and stop ruminating on things that just _upset_ him?

His class takes a break, a small light of relaxation in the three hour timespan he’s forced to sit there. The only solace with this class is that it’s once a week and he can get it all over at once. Most of the class heads over to the vending machines, but Eddie doesn’t want to be around all the chatter and fuss, so he makes his way into the bathroom. Both of the stalls are taken, and Eddie doesn’t really have to go to the bathroom, but he wants some privacy, so he takes a moment to wash his face at the sink. 

He looks tired, even after his long nap. He supposed that this is just the face he has now, a permanent marker for all his stress. He takes off his beanie, regretting so immediately, taking note of how he’s twenty and already has _gray_ in his hair and hopes that he doesn’t go bald. Tugging at it, it still feels thick, which is a small comfort. 

Someone leaves while Eddie is rinsing his hands, wrinkling his nose in disgust as the other guy didn’t bother washing his own. He waits at the sink, hoping the other person will leave quickly as he turns the faucet off, hearing the stall door opening behind him.

Suddenly, Eddie’s groin is pressed up into the porcelain sink, his body pressed forward until his face is up against the glass. Someone has his hand in Eddie’s hair, the other gripped tightly around Eddie’s throat from behind him, and a voice growls in his ear.

“Miss me, sweetheart?”


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw: sexual assault and homophic remarks (and possibly blasphemy, if that's a thing you don't like)

When Eddie started school in Queens, he got sent home early on the first day after mysteriously breaking his arm during his after-lunch break (which wasn’t really recess, but being a privileged high school still had its perks). He didn’t have it in him to tell his mom or the nurse that three other kids had jumped him in the bathroom and snapped it, because his mother would demand to talk to them or their parents. It was bad enough his first day started with getting his first public boner talking to a cute classmate, surrounded by no one but other boys and being deemed the ‘class faggot.’ From that moment on, he was terrified of the school restrooms, and thought that his fear finally subsided once he went to college.

Until now.

“You never said goodbye to me,” Patrick tsked, rubbing Eddie’s jaw as he pressed himself into Eddie’s back where he was bent over the sink. “That wasn’t very nice. You don’t even come see me in class. Are you afraid of me now or something?”

“Please,” Eddie cried, heart racing and trying desperately to push himself up to no avail. “Please don’t do anything Patrick - I didn’t - I didn’t tell anyone, I swear - ”

“I never had this privilege before,” Patrick continued, ignoring Eddie’s pleas. “I’d never be able to get away with going into the girls’ restrooms, not with all the cameras out in the halls. They can hide pretty easily after I’m done with them. But I can follow you anywhere you go…”

“Someone will come in,” Eddie attempted to reason. “Someone can see us right now, Patrick.”

“You think I care?” he growled, hissing right in Eddie’s ear. “Anyone could have seen us at the party, too. Now what is this…” Eddie felt Patrick’s fingers trail on his neck as Patrick tutted his tongue. “For someone who didn’t want to get fucked so badly, you seem to be whoring yourself around…”

It dawns on Eddie that he must have a hickey there from where Richie had been kissing and sucking on his neck this morning.

“I - no - my boyfriend did that,” Eddie lied, because he didn’t really have a boyfriend, did he? He was just  _ fooling around _ . “I’m not - I’m not whoring around - ”

“You have a  _ boyfriend _ ?” Patrick laughed, cold and terrifying. “You have a boyfriend and you’re trotting into parties with strange boys you don’t know?”

“ _ No no no _ , we weren’t - we weren’t together then - ”

“So you realized two cocks weren’t enough for you, eh? Had to go prowling for more like a little slut, huh?”

“Pat, please,” Eddie sobbed, because he’s starting to believe what Patrick is saying, even if he didn’t want it he’s getting sick to his stomach thinking about how fast he was moving with Richie after it happened. Richie, who wasn’t even his boyfriend. “Please let me go. I’m not going to tell anyone, please - ”

Eddie gasped, feeling Patrick reach his hand down between his legs roughly, nothing like Richie’s hand there earlier. He’s starting to whimper while Patrick grins against his neck.

“If I didn’t want anyone to know I wouldn’t have shared you. I wouldn’t have taken that sweet picture of your pretty mouth sucking on his cock or your ass after I tore it open.”

There’s nothing Eddie can do but keep sobbing and he doesn’t know why no one is coming in or what’s going to happen and he’s thinking about how many people Patrick showed the pictures to now. Patrick’s hand wraps around Eddie’s throat tightly, silencing his cries as he can’t breathe, and Patrick pulls Eddie up only to throw him roughly on the ground. Before Eddie can process what’s happened, his head having smacked against the tile on the ground, Patrick is on top of him gripping his throat again. Eddie reached up on instinct to pry his hand off, but he’s too strong and now he can see his face and it’s so goddamn terrifying and sadistically delighted at Eddie’s pain that all Eddie wants to do is die right here.

“I wanna make you my little plaything,” Patrick preens, shoving his hand straight down the front of Eddie’s pants and making Eddie sob again, because he knows he’s hard and not because he wants this but because Patrick is making it happen by touching him so much. “Anywhere you go I’m going to find you and do whatever the fuck I want to you.”

“Why?” Eddie can’t help but cry weakly against Patrick’s hand on his throat.

“Because you’re not going to stop me,” Patrick grinned. “I don’t have to worry about knocking you up or anyone giving a shit about you. You’re even getting so hard for me - ”

Eddie stopped yanking at Patrick’s hand and reached up to smack Patrick in the face, but Patrick only laughs and dips his fingers down further between Eddie’s legs. He legs out a strained yelp when he feels Patrick’s fingers, like they’re tearing into him again and chokes out another sob at the horribly familiar sensation. His crying isn’t loud enough to reach other ears outside of these walls while Patrick is basically crushing his windpipe.

A loud bang echoes around the tiled walls and Patrick roughly pulls himself out and off of Eddie in a swift motion, leaving him lying there and gasping. Another student stood in the doorway, looking momentarily perplexed before his eyebrows knit together in anger.

“What the fuck is going on?”

“Nothing,” Patrick said casually, moving to wash his hands in the sink.

“What the fuck are you doing to him?” the guy shouted, pointing to where Eddie is still lying on the ground crying. He walked straight up to Patrick and shoved his shoulder so he was facing him and the other guy was  _ tall _ , maybe even almost as tall as Richie, but Patrick doesn’t look frightened. 

Patrick says something so quietly that Eddie can barely hear him speak, but the man’s reaction was immediate, pushing Patrick up against the paper towel dispenser roughly.

“Call me that again,” the guy said. “See what happens.”

Patrick laughed again, like this was some kind of game.

“I’ll leave the little queer alone,” Patrick shrugged. “Why don’t you back off, tough guy. I’ve got a class to get to.”

“Sure,” the other man said coldly. “Now get your ku klux bullshit out of my face.”

Eddie rolled over, trying to get himself up, disgusted at whatever germs had been on the ground, whatever had been on Patrick when he laid his hands on Eddie. He wants to throw up or go home, but the man is still standing there watching him.

“Are you ok?”

Eddie shook his head, because he can’t exactly lie while he’s standing there shaking and sobbing. He hears the man get some paper towels, damping them lightly under the sink before handing them over to Eddie to clean his face.

“Do you need to go to the Health Center?” the guy asked.

“No,” Eddie said immediately. “I don’t - I just want to go home.”

“Do you want me to walk with you?”

It’s now the second time this has happened, someone babysitting and protecting him while he runs away from Patrick, but he can’t say no. Pathetic as it is, Eddie knows he probably needs it. He doesn’t want Patrick to follow and know where he lives; it’s bad enough he knows where Eddie’s night class is now.

Maybe Eddie will have to drop this one, too.

“I’m Mike by the way,” the guy said. 

“Eddie.”

“Is your stuff still in the classroom?”

Eddie nodded, picking up his beanie that had ended up on the floor. 

The night classes are very small, which makes it incredibly awkward as Eddie runs in late from the break and takes all of his things, apologizing profusely to his professor. Mike is waiting outside for him like a bodyguard in a bomber jacket.

“Where do you live?”

“York,” Eddie said, feeling the Deja Vu again. It’s been a weird few days and he’s praying to whatever god or being that can hear him that it does not become a routine. Eddie still feels shaken up and he can still  _ feel  _ Patrick violating him and he’s cursing the cold again for biting into him and making him shiver and feel everything so profoundly. He’s silently grateful when Mike actually puts an arm over his shoulder, bringing him into his warmth.

“Shit. I used to live in York.”

“Really?”

“Yeah, just last semester.”

“You didn’t room with someone named Stan did you?” Eddie asked, looking up to see Mike bite his lip.

“Uh, yeah. I did. Is he…?”

“He’s my roommate, yeah. He was… pretty surprised to see me come in last month. I don’t think either of us suspected you still went to school here.”

“I’m in all night classes,” Mike explained. “It - it kind of sucks, having to drive out here so much during the week, but I’ve been helping out on my grandpa's farm during the day.”

“That must make it difficult to dorm,” Eddie nodded. “I suppose it’s easier to stay there at the farm.”

“They also don’t let you dorm if you’re part-time,” Mike continued. “I can only take three classes.”

“Did you, uh… want to come in and say hi?”

He can feel Mike stiffen a little bit beside him.   
“N-no. I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Can I do something for you at least? As a thank you?”

“You don’t have to thank me,” Mike smiled politely down at him. “It’s no trouble. People shouldn’t treat each other like that.”

Eddie was sure he’d be blushing if he weren’t already so ruddy faced from the cold. He can’t help but look around when they get back to York, but it’s too dark to really see the faces of anyone walking around.

“I kept an eye out,” Mike said. “Don’t worry, he’s probably back in his class.”

“I wouldn’t be too sure about that,” Eddie heard himself say.

“You going to be ok?”

“Yeah, I think so. Thank you, Mike.”

“See you around, Eddie.”

It was kind of him to wait outside until the door was firmly closed behind Eddie. Eddie took the elevator up to his dorm, feeling hunger pangs amongst other things deep within him that are threatening to make him cry again. The dining hall is already closed for dinner and Eddie is cursing himself for sleeping through the lunch and dinner, hoping he can make it through the night.

It’s not just the hunger though, and Eddie is just opening his door when a scream finally erupts from his chest, slamming the door behind him and falling back against it with his hands clutching his hair.

“Jesus,” he heard Stan say. “What the hell happened?”

“Nothing!” Eddie sobbed, slipping down against the door until he’s sitting on the floor. “Fucking - fucking everything - shit, I don’t know!”

Stan came over and knelt down in front of Eddie, his face grave.

“You are not having a good time in Maine,” Stan sighed. It almost makes Eddie laugh, but it comes out as another sob, trying to hide his face in his knees. “Did you get to eat?”

“No,” Eddie finally manages to get out. “The dining is all closed.”

“I have some stuff in the fridge we can heat up in the kitchen downstairs,” Stan offered. “C’mon. You need to eat.”

Eddie nodded, slowly getting up as Stan dug something out of his minifridge. At least thankful they don’t have to go outside for anything, Eddie is able to take his coat off and even decides to take his shoes off, walking down to the basement kitchen in his socks. It dawns on him that he’s never actually been down here before and there’s a cozy little lounge next door to the kitchenette. He waits in there while Stan heats up his food in the microwave, settling down on a tattered old couch. 

There’s a phone in here and a bunch of posters for various organizations and their meeting schedules for when they reserved the lounge. Stan finally comes in and sets the food down on Eddie’s lap, moving to sit in one of the arm chairs with a concerned look on his face.

“Thanks,” Eddie muttered, picking up the little plastic fork and poking at the weird, microwave pasta.

“You’re kind of a mess, you know that?” said Stan, eyeing him carefully.

“Yeah, I know,” Eddie sighed. “Sorry you have to put up with it.”

“Did something happen in your class?”

“No,” Eddie said truthfully, because it didn’t really happen  _ in  _ his class, so he can say that confidently. “Can I ask you something?”

“You just did, but you can ask me something else.”

Eddie couldn’t help but roll his eyes, shaking his head. “What happened with your last roommate? I mean, I know you definitely weren’t happy to see me move in…”

“Oh,” said Stan, pursing his lips. “That. Uh. I don’t know, we… I really don’t know what ended up happening to be honest. We got really close and we were talking about getting an apartment over the summer so we didn’t have to live in the dorm halls anymore. So it was kind of a blow coming back from winter break and…”

“Ending up with some weird queer kid that cries all the time,” Eddie nodded.

“I don’t mind that,” Stan assured him. “I mean, it would be nice if you weren’t crying or waking up with random people all the time.”

“It’s not - it’s not all the time. And they’re not random. I’ve known Richie since I was in preschool.”

“I was joking about the sock thing. I didn’t think he was actually… you know.”

“Gay?”

Stan shrugged. “I thought he was seeing a girl last semester.”

“He was?” Eddie asked curiously. It made him nervous, but he wasn’t sure why.

“Yeah, but maybe I misinterpreted it.”

“Do they still hang out?”

“Beats me,” Stan shrugged again. 

Eddie started thinking about how Richie said he wasn’t a virgin, but he had gone on about being socially awkward and even Stan said he didn’t really have many friends. It kept ringing the curiosity bells in Eddie’s head.

“You said he didn’t really hang out with anyone though, right? You said people find him annoying.”

“I don’t know, dude. He’s just in one of my classes, I don’t know him as well as you. Eat your food so we can go upstairs. All the stoners come in here late and I don’t want to run into them.”

Sleep couldn't come easy. Eddie was restless and anxious and pissed off at himself for sleeping so much during the day. He wished now that he was just able to enjoy his time with Richie instead. He wanted to think about how Richie’s hands felt on him. All he could think now was how  _ Patrick  _ felt and it made him sick, getting up at some point to puke in one of the dorm stalls. At least the bathroom is right next to his room and he managed to make it just in time. 

This thing seems to be taking over Eddie’s life now, debating whether or not he should drop out of yet another class out of sheer fear of running into Patrick again. But the thing is, Patrick can be  _ anywhere _ and he doesn’t know how far it would go if he just drops everything to avoid him. Based on Eddie’s luck, he’d have to drop out of the whole damn school.

There’s a point when Eddie wonders how Patty found herself in the house. He never told her who did it, and he’s in the middle of one of his lectures when he wonders if she knows Patrick or Henry. The thought is terrifying, but Eddie manages  _ somehow _ to go to his classes without completely shutting down. 

On Thursday night Eddie realizes a great deal of what he’s feeling, in spite of everything else, is loneliness. He does like Stan, but he’s terrified of talking to him about things too personal still. Thursday feels long, since he only has one class now after dropping Kabir’s morning lecture. So he finds himself wandering down to the basement where the phone is, trying to shake off the thoughts of what happened to him this week. He wants to feel the way he did when he was alone with Richie again. Thankfully, he now has Richie’s number, and he picks up the phone to call his house, hoping Richie isn’t at work.

“Hello?”

“Hey!” Eddie exclaimed, excited that Richie is the one to answer right away. “It’s Eddie.”

“Spaghetti!” Richie said excitedly through the phone, making Eddie’s chest swell. “Here I am thinking you forgot about me.”

“You’re quite impossible to forget,” Eddie smiled, twirling the phone cord like a goddamn school girl. He wants Richie’s voice to wash away all his bad thoughts. “You never told me when we were going on our date.”

“Hmmm. Good question. Well, do we want to do it this weekend, or be completely lame and wait until Wednesday?”

“What’s Wednesday?”

“Valentine’s Day.”

“Oh. Shit, it is, isn’t it?” Eddie laughed, feeling himself blush. He’d never had a valentine before, not even a secret crush to pine for. “No, fuck that. We can do something this weekend if you’re not working.”

It’s so simple talking to Richie, like somehow all the years apart from each other and being lonely have never happened, like they both suddenly blossomed into these grown adults overnight. Eddie can’t stop himself from grinning like a fool as he curls up on the couch, planning this silly drive through the Maine wilderness.

“You know, technically we  _ could _ still bring some whiskey and have a night of it,” Richie said, chuckling into the phone. Eddie can hear him closing the door to what was probably his bedroom followed by the springs of his mattress.

“Richie, are you condoning drinking and driving?”

“No, not at all. Just curious what you’d end up being like, all fucked up drunk.”

Eddie gulped rather audibly, fidgeting in his seat. “Well it’s - it’s not really that fun getting drunk by yourself, is it?”

“No, of course not. I’d be getting shitfaced with you if we do.”

“Ok,” Eddie sighed, feeling a little more at ease. “Just don’t take advantage of my inebriation.”

“Hey, I wouldn’t do that,” said Richie, and he sounds kind of serious which makes Eddie feel better. “What do you think, I grew up to be some kind of asshole?”

“No!” Eddie said right away. “No, sorry, I’m just… nervous.”

“Around little ole me?”

“ _ Little? _ ” Eddie intones, snorting. “You grew up to be the size of a Sasquatch.”

“I suppose that’s fitting; I am quite the animal in the sheets.”

It takes a moment to notice that Eddie has been getting hard talking about this, despite his nerves. A panic rushes to him as Eddie realizes how  _ public _ this is, how someone could walk into the lounge at any moment, so he looks around quickly and grabs a book, the closest object he can find. He opens it and shoves it down onto his lap to hide where his dick is bulging out of his pants and a shameful little moan escapes him as he feels the book pressing against him.

“Oh, you like that, huh?” Richie laughs, not realizing what he’s done.

And god help him if Eddie can’t breathe out, “Uh huh,” so quietly it’s practically a whimper and Richie’s breath hitches on the other line. Like a switch flipped, Richie’s voice whispered back to him through the phone low and husky. 

“Yeah? You want my hands on you again, baby?”

Just like that, Eddie’s mind was swept free of rational thought, gripping the phone tightly as he obscenely pressed his dick up into the gutter of the open book, the tip tightly tucked between the pages against the fabric of his pajamas. He started rubbing the thing up and down as he moved his hips along with it.

“I w - I want you to suck it,” Eddie pants, because that’s what he wants, he could touch himself all he wanted but Eddie wanted to know what his  _ tongue _ would feel like, wet and slick on him. He doesn’t know where his confidence to say this comes from, not when he’s been feeling so shameful and dirty, but talking to Richie makes it so  _ easy _ .

“Mmm, I bet you taste so sweet down there,” Richie moaned, like he’s touching himself and getting excited at the idea of sucking Eddie off. “I wanna bury my face between your legs. You want to feel my mouth there, all wet and warm for you? I can’t wait to feel you squirming around while I lick down your cock.”

Eddie lets Richie keep rambling, keep talking because he’s so goddamn good at it, telling Eddie all the things he wants to do to him, telling him he wants Eddie to fuck his throat all while Eddie keeps fucking up into the stupid book, thinking about how it’ll feel while he’s gripping into Richie’s hair until he lets out a strained groan as he comes.

He thinks Richie comes, too, but he’s in such a daze after he’s barely paying attention until there’s nothing but their panting breaths on either end of the phone lines. 

Reality is slowly sinking in and Eddie is realizing where he still is. The room feels brighter as he’s blinking through his post-come clarity and he looks down at the book he just violated in his lap only to feel a sense of disgrace when he sees the cover. He picked it up to see a small wet stain that had seeped through the slit of his pajama pants, right over the ever so famous little line:  _ Jesus wept _ .

“Oh my god. Richie, I just jizzed on Jesus.”

“ _ What _ ?”

“Oh, fuck,” Eddie groaned, snapping it shut and tossing it over into the chair across from him. “I was - I just humped a bible, Richie!”

Richie barked out laughter through the phone and Eddie can’t help but start feeling the hysterical giggles erupt through him, his face hot and flushed.

“What did you do, stick your dick in the paperfolds?”

“No, I just - I was trying to hide my dick, I’m in the student lounge.”

“You are such a little freak, Kaspbrak. Holy shit.”

“You started it! This has to be the most blasphemous thing possible… having premarital gay phone sex over the crucification of Christ…”

“Your dad would be proud. He went to that Polish-Catholic church, didn’t he? They’re into weird shit. I think that’s why my parents still fuck like rabbits, the good ole’ Catholic upbringing. Even if they’re like, only mildly lukewarm Christian now. Oh shit, isn’t Stan Jewish? He’ll get a kick out of this.”

“Don’t you fucking dare!” Eddie hissed, but he and Richie were still laughing over the ridiculousness of it. “My dad is honestly probably just shaking his head from heaven right now. Or just, you know. Being dead. Since I’m pretty sure I don’t believe in this shit anyway.”

“How are you feeling, anyway? No panic attacks coming right now?”

Eddie inhaled deeply, trying to sense how his body was holding up outside of his amusement. It seemed fine, albeit now a little guilty, but not all from his desecration of religious text. He was thinking about all he had been through and it didn’t seem fair having this secret from Richie, especially now that something had happened again and he had this fear hanging over his head.

“I really want to see you soon,” said Eddie. “Can we maybe do it tomorrow?”

“I’m working, but if you want to do it Saturday we can go early, have an afternoon date. I can pick you up from York around 11 if you want.”

“I’d like that. I want… I want to talk more about… this. Like, what we’re doing.”

“Sure thing, Eds.” Richie paused and Eddie could almost hear him fidgeting over the phone, like he was contemplating something. “Is it weird that it feels like you never left? Like, all my feelings for you just kind of…”

“Unpaused,” Eddie finished, understanding. “Yeah. I feel like that, too.”

Richie sighed, but it sounded so resolute and relaxed and Eddie, well… Eddie was starting to feel sure he wasn’t just slipping into where he had been with Richie, but crashing down hard.

“Goodnight, Eddie my love.”

Eddie felt his cheeks blush as a grin crept on his face. “Goodnight, Richie.”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel weird having this out after posting *two* porn fics in the last 24 hours sldkfjdlskjf.
> 
> This is all soft and tenderness today<3

Paranoia is still strong as Eddie is sitting in his Friday classes. He only has to get through today before he’s on a real date with Richie and he can maybe tell him what happened two weeks ago.

Has it really only been two weeks? It somehow simultaneously feels like it just happened yet is years behind him. It doesn’t help that Patrick is a sick fuck that wants to keep finding Eddie and it makes him wonder if he’ll have to do something serious about this.

On Friday Afternoon, he decides to start with Patty. 

He can remember where her dorm is, letting himself slip in with other students that use their keys to get in. It feels a little creepy, but she did _tell_ Eddie where she was, afterall. He just hopes she’ll be there when he walks up.

The halls are far more lively and colorful than his own, and he can’t tell if it's because he’s in the girl halls or if the freshman doors are just purposefully more enticing. There’s safety posters all up and down the walls, from drunk driving, to taking drugs, to… date rape. Eddie can’t help but really notice they’re all geared towards the young girls and it makes him feel queasy thinking about how no one would take him seriously if he did try to tell anyone. 

No one seemed to be preparing to help the male students with this sort of thing. It’s not like there are resources at Eddie’s fingertips. 

Patty ended up opening the door, taken by surprise but smiling at Eddie nonetheless.

“Hey! I didn’t expect to see you come by.”

“Sorry,” Eddie smiled apologetically at her. “Is it - is it ok if I come in, or do you want to take a walk…?”

“Yeah, come in,” she said, stepping aside to let Eddie past her. “My roommate already left for the weekend. She lives in Portland, so she drives home every Friday.”

“Must be nice,” Eddie muttered, looking around at all the _pink_. Everything was so puffy and comfy looking.

Patty is kind enough to get Eddie a drink she has in her minifridge (because all these kids can apparently afford the appliances) before sitting on her bed where she has homework spread out. The nice thing about dorming is that, for students like them, they have a lot of time and few distractions from getting their school work completed. Other students still managed to fuck that up, though, and Eddie could understand having already missed a whole week’s worth of classes just from being depressed.

“Do you mind if I ask you something?”

“You just did, but you can ask me something else.”

“Oh my god,” Eddie groaned. “You and Stan are so annoying.”

She giggled and said, “Sorry,” before Eddie went on.

“Who were you there at the party with that night?”

“Oh,” said Patty, her face falling a little. “Probably not - not the people you’re worried about.”

“Who though?”

“There’s a girl in my peace studies class - ”

“Your _what_?”

“Peace studies. We have to take a gen ed about, like… environmentalism and a bunch of other hippie stuff. Anyway, she’s been really nice and asked me to come hang out with some of her friends. I went by myself because I was nervous about needing a ride from anyone. But yeah, it was just her.”

“Who was she hanging out with?”

Patty sighed, but she didn’t look annoyed; mostly just sad, and Eddie felt bad that she was giving him pity. “She was there with some guy and she was trying to get another guy to come over who she was talking to on the phone, but I’m not sure if he showed up. I don’t think she was dating either of them.”

“Do you remember their names?”

“I think they started with a B? I could be remembering wrong. Her name was Beverly. She’s super sweet but she also seems like the kind of person that would beat the shit out of guys like that.”

“But she was at their house,” Eddie couldn’t help but mutter.

“So was I,” Patty pointed out. “And so were you. It doesn’t mean anything. I can talk to her and find out more if you want?”

Eddie thought about it and decided he wanted to know as much as possible, because if he couldn’t really tell anyone, find any authority that could help, then maybe he could at least do what he could to keep himself safe. 

Saturday is surprisingly sunny and Eddie is just giddy the whole morning. Stan left for temple, leaving Eddie alone with not much to do but vibrate with nerves and excitement after he showered. When it’s almost 11, Eddie has changed his clothes five times trying to figure out what Richie would like him in best, and he starts to make his way down to the lobby when there’s a knock on the door, someone telling him that he has a phone call.

“I’m so, so sorry Eddie. Darla shat out on me on the side of the road and I have to wait for her to get fixed.”

“Darla?”

“My car.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, but he didn’t like the idea of hanging out by himself longer. “Do you need to wait, or…?”

“No, my dad is here yelling at the mechanics to get me out of here in a couple of hours, since I don’t know jack shit about cars. They said it’ll be ready by 3 and I’ll come right over and take you out, ok?”

“Are you sure? I don’t want to burden you - ”

“Eddie my love, you are never a burden.”

There it is again, that little nickname Richie used to call him that Eddie loved most. Since he’s already changed into what he thinks is the best outfit, he hangs out in the lounge and watches the TV in there (hiding his face when some kid comes in later to collect the Bible he left after their Bible Study group on Wednesday) before he goes out to wait in the lobby until he can see Richie pull up in his shitty Daewoo up in the front.

Eddie is so excited to see that stupid car, he can’t stop the grin that spreads on his face, and he is looking directly at Richie through the car window as he slips going down the bottom, icy step.There are at least three people around and Eddie can hear Richie guffawing from where he’s lying on the ground on his back. The car door opened, but Eddie just continued to sulk.

“I’ve never seen a more graceful exit.”

“Fuck you, Richie,” Eddie called from the ground. The palm of his hand is stinging and he looked down to see it scraped up with gravel and ice. Richie came over and helped him up, and Eddie is more than happy to die right there. “Did anyone see?”

“Everybody saw,” Richie grinned, brushing off Eddie’s back. “They’re all still watching, too, so if you want to get into the car - ”

“Oh god,” Eddie groaned, carefully but hurriedly running into the car that Richie kept running. It’s so warm and Eddie is trying to focus on the heat from the vents and not whoever may be looking at him right now. They’re still not moving, so he looks up and Richie is just staring at him. “What?”

“I love how red your nose gets in the cold,” Richie sighed, reaching up to thumb Eddie’s cheek softly. “You’re so goddamn cute I want to squeeze you like a roll of toothpaste.”

“What the fuck?” Eddie giggled, trying to hide his face by pulling his beanie down. “Stop being all weird.”

“Stop being adorable.”

“Where are you taking me, weirdo?”

“I’m the weirdo? Says the bible fucker.”

“I didn’t - I didn’t know it was a bible,” Eddie grumbled, sinking further down in his seat. He doesn’t even pay attention to where Richie is driving him.

“I think you’re secretly a little deviant,” said Richie, and Eddie can hear his grin. “I bet you’d fuck in the pews of your childhood church.”

“Holy shit, that’s not - I didn’t even go to church until the gay porn incident.”

“Ah.” Richie paused and Eddie can hear him drumming his fingers on the wheel, so he took off his beanie to look over at him. “I suppose that makes a lot more sense now, why your mom was freaking out.”

Eddie doesn’t really want to talk about his mom, but Richie seemed to sense that because he doesn’t keep bringing it up. He pulled into a restaurant Eddie has never heard of, but Eddie started to freak out a little bit.

“Richie, I don’t have any money! I thought we were going to your house or something before we drove up to the mountains.”

“We need to eat. Besides, I asked _you_ out, so it’s my treat.”

“Rich…” Eddie moaned, but Richie waved him off.

“Eddie, let me wine and dine you.”

“I can’t drink wine.”

Richie rolled his eyes. “Just get in and eat, bible fucker.”

“Stop calling me that!” Eddie hissed, but he got out of the car and jogged up to where Richie was holding the door open for him.

It’s weird, being out on a date in a public place with a guy, and Eddie is just thinking about all the times he and Richie went out when they were younger. He had always wanted them to be dates, and townsfolk wouldn’t hesitate to call them faggots just for sharing a booth. They’re not in Derry now, but Eddie isn’t sure how open he wants to be about what they’re doing. Luckily though, the place isn’t too crowded and they can get a booth in the far corner of the place.

“Hey, Rich, uh… I wanted to talk to you about something.”

“Shoot.”

“Well, uh… Stan said you were dating a girl last semester,” Eddie muttered quietly, stirring his soda with a straw unnecessarily.

Richie bit his lip and studied Eddie’s face for a moment before answering. “I was, yeah. We’re just friends now. But I’ve dated both.”

“Both?”

“Yeah, I - I’m not… completely gay,” Richie said quietly, his eyes briefly glancing around. 

“What - what does that mean?” Eddie asked, genuinely curious and a little bit confused.

“You’ve heard of LGBT, right?”

“I think so.”

“Well, I’m the B,” said Richie. “Which means bi, because I - I’ve dated guys and girls.”

“Oh. I didn’t - I didn’t realize you could do that. How does that - I mean, I guess I’ve just never thought about that before.”

Richie shrugged, and he still looked a little nervous, like he was afraid Eddie might get freaked out. “Honestly, I haven’t really been into too many people. It’s almost weird how rare it is that I want to date someone.”

“But you like _me_?” Edde asked incredulously. “Some midget twink hypochondriac who looks like he’s 80?”

“You don’t look _80_ ,” Richie laughed. “I kinda dig the hair, though. You’re already looking like a silver fox. A cute little baby silver fox.”

“No, I don’t, cut it out,” Eddie muttered, leaning his head down, but Richie ducked his head down to Eddie’s eyeline.

“You can’t hide how cute you are from me, Eds. I don’t think you understand how fucking beautiful you are.”

Eddie groaned, hiding his face and his stupid smirk and blush behind his loose sleeves. He muttered into his sweater, but Richie reached over and pulled his arms down.

“Come again?”

“I said you’re - you’re beautiful too,” Eddie mumbled, knowing he was blushing all the way down to his chin.

There’s more Eddie wants to talk about, and even while they’re eating and talking about stupid shit and playfully flirting, it’s stuck at the back of his mind like an adhesive. Eddie wonders if he should get it out of the way or wait until later, but he knows the longer he waits the harder it might be.

“I have to tell you something,” Eddie said just after their waiter drops off their check and a giant brownie that Richie ordered. Dessert is probably the strangest time, but they’re alone and Eddie almost feels like he might vomit everything he ate from trying to stuff all of this down.

“Uh oh,” Richie teased. “Do you have a dirty little secret you have to tell me?”

“Kind of,” Eddie said, and Richie’s face softened just a bit. “I - well, a few weeks ago I went out to this party out on Park Street - ”

“Oh no. You didn’t go to the Bowers’ place, did you?”

“The what?”

Richie shook his head, scowling slightly. “Henry and Connor Bowers. They’re cousins. They rent a house off Park Street.”

 _Henry_. Eddie can feel his legs start shaking so he pressed his arms down on the table to try and steady himself. 

“Do you know them?”

“Yeah. My friend - actually, my ex, Bev - tried getting me out there a couple weeks ago when they were having a party.”

“Beverly?” Eddie blurted. “You dated a girl named Beverly?”

“Yeah, briefly. Why? We’re totally just friends now, if that’s what you’re - ”

“I was at the party,” Eddie told him. “The one you’re talking about.”

“Really? Shit,” Richie laughed lightly. “We just kept missing each other.”

“How do you know Henry?” Eddie asked, his voice shaky.

Something strange came over Richie’s face, and Eddie didn’t know what to make of it. “I met him last year. It’s a long story. He’s an asshole, though. Complete homophobe.”

“Did you - do you know his friend Patrick?”

Richie thought for a moment, but shook his head.

“T-tall,” Eddie stammered. “Dark hair, long. Skinny - ”

“Oh, Hockstetter!” Richie snapped his fingers. “Yeah, I remember him. Don’t really remember much, just saw him hanging out with Henry the few times I was over there - Eds, are you ok?”

Of course, Eddie is _crying_ again, silently wiping tears from his cheeks and trying to will himself not to have another panic attack right here in the restaurant.

“Eddie, did they say anything to you? Because they’re fucking dicks, don’t listen to anything they tell you.” 

Eddie opened his mouth to say something, but he’s not even sure what, because it just comes out as a sob. He grabbed his beanie and shoved it on, hoping to hide his face from anyone that was behind him in the restaurant, until he felt Richie’s hand on his wrist.

“Here, how about you take my keys and go wait in the car, ok? I’m going to pay for our stuff and I’ll be right out.”

Eddie got up shakily, keeping his head down so no one would see him as he made his way outside, still pulling his jacket on while he attempted to open the Daewoo. Richie doesn’t keep him waiting long, but Eddie needed to take a breath from his inhaler to stop himself from spiraling out while he was waiting alone in the car. 

“You didn’t even turn the car on,” said Richie, reaching out for his keys in Eddie’s hand so he can get the heat on. 

“I have cried,” Eddie began. “Every goddamn time I’ve seen you.”

“It’s ok,” Richie said softly, reaching his hand out to take Eddie’s. It’s so goddamn warm. “I mean, I don’t _want_ you to cry, but I’m not… I’m not turned off from seeing you or anything. Hey! You didn’t cry Thursday on the phone! Maybe the secret is sacrilege,” he laughed awkwardly.

Eddie sniffled, trying to smile back at him. “I guess if I have to violate the teachings of christianity in order to have a good time with you, that’s not so bad.”

“The first time we fuck, we can do it over a stack of those bullshit anti-homo verses.”

He doesn’t mean anything by it, Eddie knows that, but Eddie can’t help but squeeze his eyes tight and try to push away the upsetting thoughts trying to invade him. Richie lifted the center console so he could scoot closer to Eddie, wrapping his arm around him and pulling Eddie closer. 

“Rich,” Eddie sobbed quietly. “It’s so bad.”

“You can tell me, Eds. Whatever it is, it’s not your fault. They’re just assholes.”

“I - I liked him,” Eddie heard himself say, his voice hollow. “I thought he liked me, too.”

“Who?”

“P-Patrick. He - he invited me to the party. He even kissed me.”

One of Richie’s hands had been gently brushing along Eddie’s arm, but it froze when Eddie said this. He stayed quiet, waiting for Eddie to continue. It’s already getting darker in the low winter sunlight.

Eddie took a deep breath, closing his eyes. “He took me to the bedroom. I thought - I thought he was helping me find a bathroom, but he - he told me he put something in my drink - ”

Richie’s breath hitched beside him, his body stiffening. Eddie can’t even tell if he’s breathing and he’s afraid to open his eyes and look at Richie’s face. 

“I didn’t - ” Eddie’s voice broke and he took another breath and it helped that Richie is able to squeeze his hand encouragingly. “I didn’t _want_ to do anything, I - ”

“It’s not your fault,” Richie said again, and Eddie snapped his head up because he can hear Richie’s voice straining; he has tears in his eyes when he’s looking at Eddie. “Eddie, I’m so fucking sorry.”

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you,” Eddie whispered, not stopping his tears rolling down his face.

“You didn’t have to,” Richie assured him, gently wiping one of Eddie’s cheeks with his thumb. “Jesus, I - if I had _known_ that, I wouldn’t - I shouldn’t have - ”

“I wanted you to touch me, Richie,” Eddie told him. “Don’t forget, I’m the one that jumped _you_ in your bed the first time. Because apparently I’m a whore,” he muttered, thinking about what Patrick had said to him in the bathroom.

“You’re not, I - shit, Eddie. I don’t know what to even _say_ …”

“Neither do I. I have no idea how to fucking deal with this.”

Richie pulled Eddie closer, hugging him tight against his chest. “Did you tell anyone?”

“My friend Patty knows. That’s it. And - ” Shit. Does he tell Richie about the bathroom? He doesn’t know how much to share, but… maybe this is the moment. He can’t keep it all in. 

So Eddie took another deep breath… and started from the beginning. He doesn’t know how long they’re sitting in the car, but somehow Richie’s arms feel like the safest place Eddie has ever been. He felt Richie have an almost visceral reaction to Henry and again when he told him what Patrick had done in the bathroom. It’s then that Eddie feels something fall into his hair and he realized that Richie had started crying.

“We need to do something,” Richie said. “You can’t live like this, Eddie. And those fuckers can’t get away with something like this.”

“Are we going to have a vigilante date night?” Eddie half-joked, wiping his nose.

Richie sighed, pulling back so he could look at Eddie clearly again, as clearly as he can as the sky is darkening outside the car. Eddie can see how guilty Richie looks, how just fucking _sad_ he is, and the look doesn’t suit him. 

“Do you want to do something?”

“No,” Eddie decides. “I want you to take me wherever you were supposed to. Just… forget about this for one night. We can raincheck the Batman stuff.”

Richie considered him for a moment, looking cautious and steady. Eddie can understand, because he just laid something heavy on him and the prospect of continuing a _normal_ date seems strange. 

“Anything for you, Eds. It’s going to be a bit of a ride, if you’re ok with that.”

“Then we can go back to your house?” Eddie asked hopefully.

“Whatever you want,” Richie whispered, kissing Eddie softly on the cheek. “Thank you.”

“Thank you?”

“For telling me. For trusting me. I know that must have taken a lot out of you.”

The ride is quiet except for the music, like Richie is trying to give Eddie his space while they drive through the night. The trees are endless darkness around them, blank seas of pure black. It’s both terrifying and freeing, being out in the middle of nowhere. Eddie can feel that they’re slowly driving up, because his ears start popping.

“We’re almost there,” Richie said, noticing Eddie rubbing his ears.

“You’ve actually got a place in mind?”

“Yeah, it’s some place I came across last semester. Sometimes it’s nice to take drives by yourself and figure shit out. Never got the pleasure of bringing anyone.”

“I hope I’m not intruding on your fortress of solitude,” Eddie half-joked, a little worried that he was being a bit invasive.

“Eddie, I’d take you anywhere with me in a heartbeat.” He’s always so sincere when he says shit like this, and Eddie’s chest swells every time. “Just do me a favor,” Richie said as he slowly turns off the main road. “Do you trust me enough to close your eyes?”

It’s a little corny when he says it, but Eddie wants to show Richie that sincerity in return, so he does so and says, “I trust you with my life, Rich.”

Richie turned the radio down a little so all Eddie can hear is gravel and dirt until Richie pulled up into a stop. 

“Stay right there, ok?”

“Ok,” Eddie sighed, starting to fidget and was starting to feel a little bit nervous, because he really doesn’t have any idea what Richie is doing. 

Richie turned off the car and it sounded like he popped open the trunk before he got out. Eddie’s ears start to buzz from how quiet it is until he can hear the trunk close and something that sounds like a tarp being laid on the car. Then Richie is opening Eddie’s door, and his hand takes Eddie’s gently.

“Take it easy getting out,” he said, helping Eddie out of the car. “I might need to pick you up, is that ok?”

“The fuck are you taking me? Are you going to throw me into a volcano?”

Richie only responded by leading Eddie just to the hood of the car, and he lifted Eddie so easily that it’s both embarrassing and making Eddie feel giddy. There’s something soft and warm under him, and it occurred to Eddie that Richie had placed a blanket over the car so they wouldn’t have to sit on the cold and hard surface.

“Hold on,” grunted Richie, making the car dip over as he crawled onto the other side and made himself comfortable. “You have to lean all the way back.”

“Ok…”

“Keep your head facing up.”

“Uh huh.”

“Ready?”

“I guess so.”

“Open your eyes.”

Eddie’s jaw dropped the second his eyes sprung open. Never in all his years living in Maine had he been so far out in the wilderness like this, so far away from people, that there’s nothing to dim the sea of stars hanging above him. They’re all big and bright and so plentiful, Eddie can’t focus on a single spot as his hungry eyes try to devour it all. The night was so clear, so _alive_ , twinkling around like an orchestra for Eddie’s eyes. He had never seen anything like it and he can’t even make out the constellations because of the sheer amount of lights. It reminded him of when he learned that some of them, maybe even most of them were entire _galaxies_ in the far distance, each filled with their own set of stars and planets and Eddie is feeling so small and in awe that it’s overwhelming him.

“Richie, this… Thank you. This is incredible,” he breathed, watching his breath spread out in a cloud. “This is the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.”

“Same here, Eds,” Richie whispered. Eddie turned to see Richie isn’t even glancing at the sky with him and is just watching Eddie with a soft smile on his face. He can’t help but smile back, feeling like the look Richie was giving him was as extraordinary as the vast, magical space above them.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hihihihi.
> 
> hope everyone is well. I appreciate all the kudos and comments<3 also, since I now created a separate IT blog, feel free to yell at me over @fuckbitchesgetReddie

Eddie knew it wasn’t wise to spend all night on the hood of Richie’s car; his fingers were numbing, his nose stinging as he tried burying his face into Richie’s chest. There was a part of him that was terrified of this moment ending, of everything Eddie had told Richie today starting to slowly sink in and manifest unpleasantly. He’d probably think Eddie was ruined, broken, too much of a burden to handle after that. Tonight probably would’ve been perfect if Eddie kept his damn mouth shut.

“Ready to head back?” Richie’s voice was soft as it tickled Eddie’s hair, his arm giving Eddie’s waist a small squeeze.

“Back - back where?”

“My place. If you want. No pressure. I can bring you home if you want.”

“No,” Eddie said firmly. “I want to go back with you.”

Richie helped Eddie off the car, catching him as he stumbled down with stiff, frozen legs. He smiled down at Eddie and quickly stole a brief kiss between their cold lips, embarrassing Eddie as he sniffled against Richie in the freezing air.

“You definitely need to be warmed up,” Richie chuckled, rubbing up and down Eddie’s arms.

It was hard to speak while he was warming up in the car, the old piece of shit taking half the drive just to sputter out good enough heat. Eddie’s shoulders were sore from shivering so much, but his body seemed to relax a bit when Richie reached over to hold his hand for the rest of the ride.

“You should keep both hands on the wheel, you know,” Edde said through a grin he couldn’t help.

“It’s nice to know everyone’s safety is still your priority, Eds,” Richie smiled over at him. 

“Will your parents be home?” Eddie asked, lightly rubbing the back of Richie’s hand with his thumb. They were so large in comparison to Eddie’s, long and slender and careful, his knuckles prominent. Eddie always had a fascination with them when they were little, considering they’d be all _over_ Eddie all of the time, pinching his cheeks and his sides, playing with his legs while curled up reading comic books.

“I think so,” Richie said slowly; Eddie could hear the hesitancy in his voice. “Did you want to sleep downstairs…?”

“What? No, I want to sleep with you! I mean - you know, sleep in your bed.”

“Eddie, relax,” Richie chuckled, squeezing his hand again. “I’m not gonna want to do anything you’re not completely psyched about. We can just watch a movie and cuddle.”

As much as Eddie believed Richie and trusted him at this point, that familiar nauseating feeling crept through his veins again. Some sort of self-destruct button was hidden in the shrouded corners of his brain and his thoughts were constantly bouncing around chaotically in his mind until something hit. The anticipation was killing him and what was worse was that he wasn’t even sure what his triggers all were. 

“Edddiiiie!” Wentworth called from the dining room once they entered the house. “Great to have you back!”

“Hi, Mr. T!” Eddie waved cheerfully as they took their coats and boots off.

“We’re going upstairs,” said Richie.

“Upstairs?” Wentworth said, raising his eyebrows. “Do I need to go up there and check to make sure you boys are behaving?”

“Wha - Dad, _no_. Jesus. Please don’t be weird. We’re not thirteen anymore, please no policing.”

“I believe you don’t turn twenty for another month, which _technically_ still makes you a teenager young man.”

Richie rolled his eyes and gently nudged Eddie up the stairs to his bedroom. It was somehow even cleaner than when Eddie had last been over, probably from the expectation that Eddie would be coming back here. The idea made Eddie more nervous than it probably should, but he was still hesitant as he sat on the edge of Richie’s bed.

“Did you tell them we went on a date?”

“No,” Richie told him. “I wasn’t sure who you wanted to know, so…”

“I think… it would be ok,” Eddie said slowly, picking at his cuticles. “They know you date guys, right? And they’re ok with it?”

“Yeah,” Richie smiled, grabbing some clothes from his drawer. “I think they figured it out a long time ago, but they never said anything until I brought it up. Hasn’t really changed anything.”

“Must be nice,” Eddie mumbled, which he didn’t really mean to sound as bitter as he did. Instead of correcting himself, though, he just smiled sadly at Richie, who handed him some clothes.

At this point, Richie had already seen Eddie’s dick, but Eddie was still grateful for the privacy when Richie went to change in the bathroom, likely stirred by Eddie's hesitancy when he just stared at the clothes for a few seconds. Still, it didn’t stop him from crawling into the bed behind Eddie and pulling him back against his chest, nuzzling into his neck.

“Why do you always smell so _good_ ,” Richie groaned. “I just wanna eat you up when I get this close.”

“What could I possibly smell like?” Eddie chuckled, trying to let Richie’s embrace sink under his skin and calm his nerves.

“Mmmm,” Richie hummed, making Eddie giggle as his nose tickled Eddie’s neck. “Like brown sugar and vanilla. It’s so sweet.”

“Quit sniffing me, ya weirdo.”

Eddie didn’t expect Richie to pull back so quickly, falling back against the bed as Richie slid out from under him.

“Sorry,” Richie muttered. 

“No no, I didn’t mean it like that,” Eddie assured him, pulling at Richie’s sleeve. “Don’t - I want you near me.”

Slightly more hesitant this time, Richie scooted back over, leaning over Eddie slightly to look earnestly into his face. Eddie didn’t want Richie to be afraid to touch him, and he certainly didn’t want to be afraid of Richie touching him. So he slid his leg around Richie’s hip, one of his hands reaching up to Richie’s neck, pulling Richie into him to kiss him fully and deeply. Richie’s hands were softer and slowly than they had been before, but Eddie fervently licked up into Richie’s mouth and bucked his hips up into Richie.

He wanted to be wanted. He wanted to _want_. He didn’t want to feel ashamed of it. 

But he thought about the last time they were in this bed, how he pinned Richie down and rutted into his thigh unexpectedly, and gently pushed Richie enough to look at his face.

“Do you want this, Rich?” Eddie whispered, licking off a string of spit caught between their lips.

“God, of course I do,” Richie huffed, his lips turning up into a slight smile. “I just want _you_ to be ok, Eddie.”

“Call me Eds.”

Richie’s grin grew wider before Eddie pulled him down again, shifting their legs until Richie had slid himself just between Eddie’s thighs, all of Eddie’s skin tingling at the sensation of Richie’s hard rock rubbing against his through their pants. One of Richie’s large hands slid up the side of Eddie’s thigh, scorched Eddie’s skin beneath the fabric, especially where his thumb rested and pressed into the crook of Eddie’s pelvis, making him rut his hips up again.

They softly moaned into each other like this for a few minutes, only breaking for Richie to nip at Eddie’s chin and suck on the supple flesh of his neck.

 _Now what is this?_ Patrick’s voice rang in Eddie’s ear, his quiet tutting when he found the last hickey Richie had left. Eddie let out a whimper, trying to push away the thought and let his body melt into the sensation of Richie’s mouth on his skin. He squirmed as Richie nibbled on his earlobe, sucking at it and exhaling his hot breath against Eddie. All the sensations felt like too much and not enough at once, pushing his cock up into Richie and tugging at his hair. It took him a moment to comprehend what Richie whispered in his ear.

“You want me to suck it?”

“Wha - what?” Eddie stammered, trying to come to. 

Richie pulled back, his eyes hazy with lust, his lips wet and swollen, tracing his finger over Eddie’s bottom lip. “That’s what you asked for, right? You want me to suck your dick?”

For a brief moment Eddie could only hear static buzzing between his ears, blinking up at Richie stupidly. “You what?”

Richie let out a light breathy laugh, leaning down to kiss Eddie’s jaw. “You’re too cute, you know that?”

“I don’t - I don’t want you to think I keep getting with you just to get myself off,” Eddie found himself saying quietly.

“No? But I like getting you off,” Richie whispered, making his way back to Eddie’s neck. “You sound so sweet and sexy.” 

Eddie tensed then relaxed as Richie bit down just over his collarbone, exhaling shakily as Richie sucked and licked at the bite he left there. His hand snuck up Eddie’s shirt, bunching it up and exposing his abdomen, where Richie spread his hand flat.

“God you’re so tiny,” Richie chuckled, looking down where his hand nearly spread across Eddie’s whole stomach. Before Eddie could make any kind of retort to that, Richie scooted down and started kissing down his torso, tickling his belly. Richie grinned into Eddie’s skin as he giggled. “This ok?” he asked, looking up.

“Yeah,” Eddie said a little breathlessly, relaxing more into the pillow. He was trying not to think about the intricacies about what was going to happen, a little terrified thinking about Richie’s perspective of things. He’d probably done this before, but Eddie couldn’t help but taste a small dose of fear from his own experiences.

“We can stop anytime,” Richie assured him, running his hand up Eddie’s thigh and making him shiver. “Doesn’t matter how far we go, ok? Just let me know.”

Eddie nodded, but Richie shook his head, waiting for a verbal response. “Ok, I - yeah. I’ll tell you if I want to stop, I promise. I just - I want - ” He stopped, worried that what he was about to say was a little much, but Richie lifted himself back up to look at him.

“What do you want, Eds?”

Eddie swallowed a lump building in his throat. “I want - I want to feel like I’m yours.” 

Richie lifted his hand up to stroke Eddie’s cheek, his expression soft. “Mine…”

 _No one else’s_. “Is that… too clingy?” Eddie asked cautiously, trying to remind himself they had known each other since grade school and not just this short time they’d been… intimate. 

Richie looked thoughtful for a moment, thumbing Eddie’s cheek lightly. “I’d never tell my boyfriend he was being clingy. I’d just hold him tighter.”

Eddie inhaled sharply. “Boyfriend?”

“Is that what you want?”

They stared at each other for what would normally make Eddie feel an uncomfortable amount of time, but he didn’t seem to get lost in Richie’s eyes as much as he did find comfort there, like a home. 

“I would… love that,” Eddie finally said, his body heating up under his skin.

Richie smiled so brightly back at him that it lit Eddie’s face up like a Christmas tree, his cheeks burning slightly at the stretch of his own smile. Richie leaned forward to kiss him again, a little awkward with Eddie grinning like an idiot, pulling away to whisper, “Then I’m all yours.”

 _He’s seen your dick before_ , Eddie reminds himself as he helps Richie slide his pants off, exposing his least favorite boxer shorts and (in Eddie’s opinion) unimpressive hardon. He looks back up at the ceiling, because he’s a little terrified of seeing, so he tries to just focus on the feelings of it all and try his best not to think of anything else except that he was with _his boyfriend_ and this was all good. It’s starting to get hot as Richie kisses up Eddie’s thighs, so he moves to take the rest of his clothes off.

“Seems kind of pointless that we changed,” Eddie laughed lightly. “I should’ve just stayed naked.”

“Mmm, but now I can blow you in the comfort of my cozy clothes,” Richie murmured, dipping his fingers into the hems of Eddie’s shorts to slowly pull them down.

Everything is quiet until Eddie feels Richie’s warm tongue slide all the way from the base to the tip of his dick and he shudders from the sensation, closing his eyes as he lets out a soft whimper. The wet streak left there feels cold, but Richie pulls Eddie’s foreskin down to expose more of his head before popping it into his mouth.

“ _Fuck_ !” Eddie squeaked, slapping a hand over his mouth. It felt like Richie chuckled at his reaction, and with his mouth moving up and down Eddie’s cock, the vibrations of his laughter just made Eddie squirm more, thrusting his hips up slightly into Richie’s throat. “ _Sorry!_ ”

Richie’s hand soothed over Eddie’s stomach, trying to get him to relax, which he really was trying to do but was getting worked up over how intense the feeling was, gripping into the bedsheets under him. His hand is on his own mouth again, _also_ trying to not to think about the other people in the house, which is easy to do when his brain is hyper focused on how wet and warm Richie’s mouth feels on him. It also feels practiced, and Eddie kind of hates himself for thinking about _that_ because it shouldn’t matter, but his chest aches just a little bit in jealousy and that fear that he doesn’t know enough about Richie’s past to be completely comfortable yet.

Just for a moment, Richie pulled off, reaching up to gently tug Eddie’s wrist to release his hand from his face. “Keep your voice down, but let me know when you’re coming, ok?”

His voice is so rough and rushed and he’s back on Eddie’s cock again so Eddie bites his lip hard to combat the whining that wants to escape his throat, pulling at his own hair with his hand now. He knows he’s close, because he feels the pull at his belly, that static electricity washing over him while his breath quickens, all while Richie decides to start lapping his tongue against Eddie in his mouth.

There’s no way Eddie can keep his voice down if he opens his mouth so he lets go of the bedsheets to lightly but fervently tap Richie’s head, only for Richie to sink Eddie’s cock deeper in his mouth and hollow his cheeks tight against Eddie’s shaft. Eddie has to grip Richie’s hair to ground himself just as he can feel his cum spilling into the back of Richie’s throat, unable to stop a low guttural moan that involuntarily escapes him. Finally, Richie slows down and slowly pulls off, only to lap at Eddie’s sensitive head to catch the last bit of cum dripping there and swallow it down. 

“You good?” Richie chuckled, looking up at where Eddie was panting, his chin and lips shining wet with his own drool. 

Eddie nodded feebly, which made Richie laugh again, but he paused to wipe his face and help Eddie pull his boxers back up so he wasn’t just lying there obscenely nude. Richie pulled the blanket up, snuggling up to Eddie’s side, wrapping one of his long arms around him and planting a kiss on his sweaty temple.

“Th-thank you,” Eddie finally got out, not sure on the post-blowjob etiquette. 

“You are so very welcome,” Richie smiled, kissing Eddie again on his cheek.

This was all affection and comfort, but Eddie frowned, a cold wave of guilt rupturing through him. “I’m already a terrible boyfriend.”

“What makes you say that?”

“I haven’t done a thing for you,” Eddie mumbled uncomfortably. “You’ve been driving me, and feeding me, and like, taking care of me - ”

“I’m not taking care of you. I’m just… Listen, Eds, you know you don’t owe me anything, right? I’m not expecting to be paid back for anything.”

“Why not?” Eddie asked seriously. “This should be, like, mutual, shouldn’t it?”

“It is.”

“ _How_?” 

“Because… if we’re both doing what we’re comfortable doing, what we’re happy doing, that should be enough. If _you_ don’t want to go down on me, I don’t want you to, either. It’s not all about being 50/50 with everything, that’s not what a relationship is.”

“What is it, then?” Eddie asked genuinely. 

“If I’m going based on my parents? Respect. Mutual happiness. Supporting each other, I guess. I mean, they’re the best people I know, so I’m keen to go based on that.”

“I suppose so…”

“You always took care of me growing up, anyway,” Richie laughed, reaching his hand up to brush through Eddie’s hair. “I would’ve died literally so many times if you hadn’t been around to save my dumb ass.”

“Well, what - what _would_ you want from me?” Eddie asked softly. “If you could have it.”

“I like seeing you laugh at my dumb jokes.”  
“That’s not what I mean,” Eddie huffed, but couldn’t help but smile at that. “I don’t know, I just… I keep thinking about how I’ve never been with anyone before and - and you _have_ and I’m just going to be comparing myself to all these imaginary people. All of whom, I might add, are way better looking and smarter and taller than me in my head.”

“Wrong, wrong, and, well, yes,” Richie chuckled. “I can’t possibly compare you to anyone else. You’re… immaculate.”

Eddie groaned, not convinced. Richie sighed and continued.

“Do you remember Greta?”

“Gre - oh. Yeah. Wait… please don’t tell me…”

“Yeah,” Richie said sheepishly. “Drunk on prom night. It was kind of a joke and she told everyone about it after. And it was _junior_ prom, so I had to deal with that for a whole year.”

“What the fuck kind of joke is that?” Eddie said angrily. 

Richie stuffed his head into the crook of Eddie’s neck, mumbling something incomprehensible against Eddie’s shoulder. Patiently waiting for him to want to respond, Eddie gently reached up to stroke Richie’s arm affectionately. After a moment, Richie lifted his head up and said quietly, but in a rush -

“Peter Gordon pulled my pants down in gym while I was talking to Betty Ripsom, and everyone saw my dick and like every girl and school kept bugging me until Greta fucking - fucking tripped me up at prom and convinced me to have sex with her and told everyone my big dick was just as useful as my big mouth and was nothing but a disappointment.”

He quickly shoved his face down again in embarrassment while Eddie tried processing what he just told him, also trying his best not to get hung up on Richie straight up telling him he had a big dick.

“That’s… horrible, Richie. I’m so sorry. I know Greta’s always been a bitch, but… Jesus.”

“I fucking hated that school so much,” Richie groaned. “I spent my whole senior year sitting at the back corner of each class just - just trying to stay away from everyone, until they eventually would pester me like some court jester that was supposed to say something stupid on command. College has been… better, at least,” Richie sighed, turning his head so he wasn’t just mumbling into Eddie now and just settling his head on Eddie’s chest, scooting his leg to wrap himself around Eddie’s smaller body.

“I’m sure people have been a lot nicer when they’re not from Derry,” Eddie agreed, at least to some degree. They were both silent for a few seconds, and Eddie couldn’t help asking the next question from vomiting from his mouth. “How many people have you slept with?”

It was rather rude, Eddie thought just after he said it, wanting to kick himself, but Richie didn’t seem to be bothered.

“Like… five since I started college. Plus two that I hooked up with, didn’t, like… fuck.”

“Guys too, or…?”

“Hmm, uh… four girls I had sex with, plus Bev who I just really made out with a few times.”

“And the - and the guys?” Eddie asked a little cautiously.

“You sure are full of questions, Kaspbrak.”

“I’m sorry, you don’t - you don’t have to answer, I was just… curious who my competition is.”

“Eddie, my love, there is no competition. I promise. But if you really want to know, I - I slept with Connor Bowers.”

Eddie felt a little uncomfortable flutter in his chest. “H-Henry’s cousin?”

It startled him for some reason when Richie lifted his head to look at him, concern written on his face. “I’m sorry, I wasn’t… thinking about how you’d feel about that.” He paused for a moment. “Are you ok?”

“Yeah, I’m… I’m fine,” Eddie mumbled, not sure how truthful that was. “Did Henry know?”

“He knew I was flirting with him,” Richie explained. “But Connor wasn’t… out, so he saw me talking to him at one of their house parties and told me to stop ‘being such a faggot’ or leave.”

“Mmm,” Eddie hummed non-committedly. “Who else did you… hook up with? If you don’t mind me asking?”

Richie shrugged his shoulder. “Dunno. I can’t remember. I was really fucking drunk.”

“I don’t like how many of these stories are like that,” Eddie mumbled, his skin feeling hot. “That doesn’t feel… right.”

“I’m six-four, Eds. I’m not being manhandled by anyone very easily.”

The heat flushed again like a wave through Eddie’s chest and his eyes started to burn. “Ok, but - I wasn’t - I wasn’t fighting anyone, either, Richie, I was drugged.”

Realization flashed over Richie’s face, followed by sincere guilt. “I didn’t mean it like that, I - shit, I’m sorry Eds. My fucking mouth, I wasn’t thinking.”

“Goddamnit,” Eddie grumbled, squeezing his eyelids shut in an attempt to stop any tears from building up. “I’m fucking doing it again.”

“You’re not, you’re not doing anything,” Richie assured him, pulling himself up so he was over Eddie. “It’s ok for you to feel whatever the fuck you’re feeling about this.”

“Please just promise me you won’t do that anymore,” Eddie said softly. “Drink a bunch when you’re alone.”

“Promise,” Richie said immediately, running his hand through Eddie’s hair. “Hey, look at me.”

Hesitant, Eddie opened his eyes slowly, but actually seeing Richie’s face was a bit of a relief. “I’m a mess, aren’t I?”

He appreciated Richie making an attempt not to look so damn sad, doing his best to smile at Eddie and cup his face. “Do you want to talk more about it?”

Eddie shook his head. “I don’t want to ruin our date.”

“You could never,” Richie offered encouragingly. “How about I make us some cocoa and put on something light, get snuggly in bed together?”

“That sounds like a good idea,” Eddie smiled.

Eddie searched through some of Richie’s movies while he went downstairs, deciding on something that’s probably stupid and silly and would make Richie happy, settling down under the covers after he popped it in the VHS player. It’s simple and sweet, Richie cozying up next to him with Maggie’s matching moose mugs.

“Hey, Rich?”

“Hm?”

“When you come to class on Tuesday… would you mind coming with me to see my guidance counselor? And maybe… talk about what happened?”

Richie moved his arm to pull it around Eddie’s shoulders, bringing him in closer to him, planting a soft kiss on Eddie’s head. “Of course, Eddie my love.”

His heart swells at that, smiling into the steam of his cocoa, sighing in content as he relaxed his head on Richie’s chest. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> potential tw's for chapter: panic attacks, inappropriate prescription drug use

Eddie would have happily spent his whole Sunday curled up in Richie’s warm comforter, cradling some cocoa and coffee and watching silly movies all day. But if Richie had to work today, then at the very least Eddie got to enjoy breakfast with him. They awoke to Maggie calling them downstairs, the smell of french toast wafting through the air.

“Psst, Richie,” Eddie whispered, poking Richie in the nose.

“Hmm?”

“Guess what.”

“Mmm, what?”

“I have a boyfriend,” Eddie smirked into the pillow, watching Richie chuckle as he stretched his arms out like a cat.

“You don’t say?” Richie grinned, wrapping all his limbs around Eddie like an octopus and pulling him into Richie’s chest. “Well, no offense, but I think my boyfriend is cuter than yours.”

“Oh no, we’re not going to be one of those couples,” Eddie laughed, kissing Richie’s neck softly.

“You’re just saying that because you know it’s true.”

Eddie rolled his eyes, giggling as Richie started planting tiny kisses all over his face, trying to peck every bit of surface until he rolled them over and finally reached Eddie’s lips while pressing him into the mattress. What bliss it would have been to know they could’ve had this years ago, that Eddie didn’t have to hide in shame from the world around him if he could happily enjoy moments like this. 

“So, are we going to, uh… tell them?” Eddie asked quietly as they finally went down the stairs.

“I can wait until later to save you the embarrassment of my mom bugging out,” Richie chuckled, rubbing Eddie’s lower back. “She’ll seriously have a conniption fit once she finds out.”

“I guess that’s… fine,” Eddie murmured, debating the pros and cons of a Maggie freak-out so early in the morning on a weekend.

“Mornin’, Eddie,” Wentworth said cheerfully when they entered the kitchen.

“Good morning,” Eddie said, his voice strained the second Maggie saw him and pulled him into a tight hug.

“Eddie! How did you sleep honey? You want something to drink? Coffee? Juice? Milk? Oh no, you’re lactose intolerant, I could just get you some water from the pitcher - ”

“Ma, relax,” Richie groaned, sitting down adjacent to his father at the table. 

“A coffee is fine, thank you Maggie,” Eddie beamed at her as she looked at him like some long lost treasure she had found, squeezing his cheeks between her palms.

“Ma, let the man sit!”

“Quiet, Richie,” Maggie huffed, finally letting Eddie go. “Let me be nostalgic.”

“How you liking school, Eddie?” Wentworth asked. “Must feel a lot different now that you’re a New Yawker.”

“God Dad, no,” Richie groaned again. “Leave the accents to  _ me _ , please.”

“It’s not bad,” Eddie said, scooting his chair in so he could sit up straight, feeling inclined still to sit properly at their table while Richie slouched beside him lazily. “It’s nice having Richie on campus.”

“Please keep him there more often,” Wentworth chuckled. “I’m getting just a tad worried the video games are going to rot his brain.”

“Jokes on you,” Richie muttered. “My brain is already ruined from junk food and pornography.”

“It’s hard to argue that,” Eddie grinned, catching the wink Richie threw at him.

“No sex talk over breakfast, please,” Maggie sighed, bringing over the last plates of food for them all to dig into.

“You’re no fun, mom.”

“So Eddie, what kind of classes are you taking?” Maggie asked as she sat down, clearly wanting to steer the subject to more appropriate topics.

“Lots of math and business courses,” Eddie told her. “They’re pretty boring.”

“Really?” Wentworth frowned slightly. “I would’ve thought we’d see you be an engineer or a mechanic or something.”

“No one would take me seriously doing any of that.”

“Fuck ‘em,” Wentworth said bluntly, making Eddie choke a little bit on some French toast. “I mean, if you like what you’re doing stick with it, but don’t do it because you feel like you should.”

“Hey, you are great at math,” Richie noted. “Switching to the engineering department would be pretty easy.”

“I can’t switch majors now,” Eddie said, shaking his head. “I’m supposed to finish my second year.”

“Dad, how many times have I changed my major?”

“Five,” Wentworth sighed into his coffee.

“Don’t nag the poor boy!” Maggie piped in, waving them off. “Let him be. Eddie, when do you have to go back home?”

From his peripherals, Eddie could see Richie (almost) inconspicuously shaking his head and making the  _ zip your mouth _ motion at her. Sweat quickly built up in Eddie’s palms as he cleared his throat.

“I, uh… I’m going to be staying in Maine,” he said quietly, poking around the eggs with his fork absently. “I have to find an apartment, so, uh, if you know of anywhere that costs less than a dorm room,” Eddie laughed awkwardly.

“Well, we don’t have to talk about it,” Maggie replied politely. “But we’ll keep an eye out. And if you need a place to stay…” There was a pause and Eddie looked up to see her trying to communicate with Wentworth with a meaningful look until he got the hint.

“Oh, yeah,” Wentworth finally caught on. “You can stay here, of course. If you needed to. You’re always welcome here, Eddie.”

“He knows that,” Richie said, but Eddie already felt miles away at this point, all of their voices starting to drown out.

He thinks he told them he’ll be right back before he got up to go to the bathroom, his vision a pinpoint of what was in front of him until he closed the door, backing up to sit onto the lid of the toilet. There aren’t any windows in the downstairs restroom, but Eddie didn’t even bother with the light. Something about the dark is a little comforting, like he can try to imagine himself anywhere while he tries to calm his breathing down. 

It’s scary in more ways than he understands. For one thing, he’s not thinking about Patrick or that night of the party, which has been the thing that has been setting Eddie off lately. This is the second time he’s caught a panic attack without any discernible trigger in the last few weeks. How is he supposed to combat that in any way besides run off and hide like he’s doing right now? There was no warning for this except that familiar cold drop in his chest before his throat restricted. 

The knock on the door is so gentle, Eddie took a moment to register it, barely able to hear it over his hyperventilating. His palms are sweaty as he reaches forward to search for the doorknob in the dark, opening it just a crack until he can see Richie’s bright red shirt and allows him to step past the door frame.

Just like the night they had met again at Denny’s, Richie has his inhaler for him and brings it to his lips. He must have taken it out of Eddie’s coat pocket at the front door once he saw Eddie run off.

“Thank you,” Eddie whispered, carefully taking his inhaler in his hand. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry,” Richie said quietly. “That thing still helps?”

Eddie nodded. “Sometimes. It’s just a placebo.”

“Better than nothing, I guess.” Richie kneeled down, cupping Eddie’s cheek in his palm. “Would you feel more comfortable hiding in my room for a little while longer or do you want to go back to the dorm?”

As much as Eddie wanted to stay with Richie, he’d have to go work soon anyway, and Eddie would probably be better off not making small talk with his parents. His best interest would probably be burying himself in school work with Stanley.

“I should’ve apologized,” Eddie mumbled when they were in Richie’s car, cranking the heat up as much as the old gal could muster. 

“They’ll understand,” Richie assured him, reaching over and giving his knee a little affectionate squeeze. “It’s nothing they haven’t seen before, remember?”

“God, have I always been a disaster?” Eddie groaned. 

“You’re not - you’re not a disaster, you’re just…” But Richie apparently couldn’t think of what to call it, because he just made a vague gesture in silence. Terrified of letting this be the last thing they dwelled on before Richie took off for two days, Eddie quickly changed the subject to school, since, even though it caused him stress, it was manageable stress that disappeared with deadlines and assignment completions.

“Why are all your Monday, Wednesday, Friday classes so late?” Eddie grumbled. “I’ll never see you those days.”

“It’s probably for the best,” Richie said sadly. “I mean, if our schedules lined up perfect, I’d  _ never _ get my homework done. I’d just stay on campus and bother you all day. Besides, you're the freak that picks all morning classes.”

“We can’t even get lunch those days,” Eddie realized. “We have ten minutes between my last class and your first one.”

“For the best, sweetheart,” Richie replied again. “Trust me. I can always see you in the evenings if I don’t have work, yeah? What does Stanley do in the evenings, anyway?”

“Homework or tutoring. He tutors Tuesday and Thursday afternoons for some extra cash.”

Eddie allowed himself to get lost in conversations about their classes, thankful that there was a lot to construct there. He was thinking about breakfast this morning and couldn’t help but wonder if Richie’s family was right.

“It’s too late though, isn’t it?” Eddie was saying again. “I mean, to switch majors? I have to pay by credit, and it’s bad enough I’m paying out of state…”

“It’s never too late, Eddie,” Richie told him. “You know my mom is a nurse now, right?”

“Wait, really?”

“Yeah, she went back to school once Penelope started high school and started working at the Derry Hospital a couple years ago.”

“That’s… wow,” Eddie breathed, a bit in awe. “Does she like it?”

“Loves it. The only thing she really complains about is not having enough time to tend to the garden in the spring, but other than that she’s really happy. I think she did it in part because Penny and I got older and she works in pediatrics, but she really found her calling in baby vomit and mandatory vaccinations.”

“Maybe I can… look into it,” Eddie nodded slowly. “See how long it’ll take me to switch over and… well, I actually don’t know what the fuck I’d do.”

“I mean, you could stick with what you’re doing and find an apprenticeship or something with a mechanic,” Richie shrugged. “Then you’d have a job, get training, and have a degree that might be useful for a business or something.”

“Shit, that’s a really good idea, Richie. Maybe I should do that…”

“Well don’t do it just because I’m saying it,” Richie laughed, turning to get off the highway. “Bring it up to your counselor, he’d be able to help you figure something out.”

“It is a really good idea though,” Eddie mused, feeling inclined to pick an option that wouldn’t jeopardize his already meticulously planned class schedule. Getting a job would also mean he’d have money coming in that wasn’t just him relying on his refund checks from his student loans. They covered his dorm costs, but he highly doubted they’d give him money for an apartment just to stay in the state…

“Well, whatever you end up doing, Eds,” Richie was saying as he was pulling up to Eddie’s dorm. “Make sure it’s something  _ you _ want, ok? You don’t have anyone to answer to but yourself. You gotta do what makes you happy.”

That was definitely a question; what the fuck  _ did _ make Eddie happy? After twenty years of being told basically what to do his entire life, it was hard to remember what parts of himself were actually him, what parts were put there by his mother, and which parts were constructed based on ideas he figured suited him best to hide deeper parts of himself that were still buried too deeply to dissect. He didn’t want to rely on Richie too much on anything, but maybe being around him would help trigger those deeper parts he couldn’t find anymore.

“Hey,” Richie said softly after he parked, taking Eddie’s chin in his hand. “You going to be ok?”

“Why wouldn’t I be?” Eddie said a little breathlessly, still getting used to the proximity he was letting Richie have with him like this. 

“After what you told me,” Richie said seriously. “I just want to make sure you feel safe.”

“Oh,” Eddie said, swallowing dryly. “No, I’ll - I’ll be ok. I don’t leave my dorm much.”

A brief moment passed as Richie kept looking into Eddie’s eyes, and he felt like he was trying to read his  _ soul _ the way he was looking so intensely. His gaze softened, though, offering Eddie a soft smile and pressing a light kiss against Eddie’s lips.

“Someone could see us,” Eddie protested rather pathetically, pushing himself up in the seat to kiss Richie more, feeling Richie’s lips curl up in a smile.

“You don’t seem to be putting up much of a fight about it,” he giggled, cupping Eddie’s cheek and kissing all over his face and forcing Eddie to giggle back, finally pushing off of him.

“Ok, quit it! You’re going to make yourself late!”

“Totally worth it,” Richie grinned, planting one last wet, sloppy kiss on Eddie’s cheek. “It’ll be your fault anyway for being so goddamn cute and distracting.”

“Oh shut the fuck up,” Eddie laughed, unable to help himself kissing Richie again before allowing himself to get out of the car.

Richie waved him off to go inside before driving off, likely wanting to make sure Eddie made it the whole five steps and ten feet through the door safely. As he rode up the elevator, Eddie rubbed his temples, trying to get his brain to stop messing with him. It was replaying what Richie said about Eddie  _ not putting up much of a fight _ , and he wasn’t wanting to let his stupidity corrupt a cute, innocent moment between them out of context. After this morning, everything seemed to potentially be a trigger for  _ something _ , and he wasn’t going to let nice moments with Richie get ruined over this.

The elevator doors opened and Eddie startled when he saw Patty waiting outside in the hall.

“Hey!” she exclaimed cheerfully as he yelped at the sight of her. “Oh shit, sorry!”

“Jesus - hi,” Eddie sighed, stepping out into the hall and clutching his chest. “What are you doing here so early?”

“I went to the York hall for breakfast,” she explained, following him back towards his dorm. “Thought I’d stop by to say hi - if you don’t mind.”

“No, not at all,” Eddie smiled at her. “Why’d you walk all the way here to eat?”

“They’re doing made-to-order omelets. It sounded nice.”

Stan wasn’t in the dorm, so Patty hung out with Eddie for the rest of the morning, letting Stanley’s radio play while they skimmed over the UMaine catalog from Eddie’s transfer student packet. There were so many different majors and several of them sounded interesting, if just a little bit daunting.

“How the hell do people just  _ know _ what they want to do for fifty fucking years?” Eddie groaned flipping through the pages. “And why the fuck can’t there be like… I don’t know, some nice, less specific majors, like ‘ _ I like cars but what the fuck do I do with that _ ?’ or something?”

“That’s why I like my major,” Patty said. “All sorts of subjects, lots of places to work.”

“But you  _ know _ you want to be a teacher,” Eddie sighed. “And you  _ know _ you want to teach kids. How did you figure that out?”

“It’s not so much knowing as it is just  _ hoping, _ ” she admitted. “Plus, having summers off just seems too nice to turn down.”

“I give up,” Eddie groaned as he tossed his catalog onto the floor between the beds. “I’m just going to stick with math and be a statistician. Be an actuary for a car company or something.”

“What even is that?”

“Like a risk analyst,” Eddie shrugged, plopping down onto his pillow and staring at his ugly, white ceiling. “Why not? Steady hours, easy pay, good benefits - ”

“Sounds boring as hell. Especially if you actually want to work with cars. You’d be stuck behind a desk all day.”

“I don’t know what else to do.”

“Do you need to figure that out  _ today _ ?” Patty laughed, scooting herself over and squeezing herself between Eddie and the wall, putting her head on the pillow next to his. “What’s the rush, anyway?”

“I guess I’m just trying to make up for twenty years of decisions being taken from me,” Eddie sighed, adjusting his arm so Patty could fit better next to him. It was nice having the intimacy of a friendship like this. Just being close to someone, even if Eddie hadn’t really known Patty that long. 

“I think you need to take a chill pill, Eddie.”

“Do you have any more?” Eddie half-joked. “That one pill you gave me was nice. Put me to sleep like a baby.”

“Do you want them?”

“Wait, really?” Eddie asked, turning to look over at her.

She shrugged. “I haven’t really needed them. They just kind of sit in my purse. I think the one I gave you was the first one I took out of the bottle since summer.”

“I don’t wanna, like…”

“Ask?” Patty asked, laughing lightly. “Feeling too polite?”

“I guess, yeah.”

“Here,” she said, sitting up to reach over their heads for her purse on Eddie’s dresser behind his headboard. She pulled it down and took out the little bottle, still full of these tiny pink pills that he remembered from several weeks ago, handing it over to him. “Just hold on to it just in case. My doctor told me to take them only if I was having a panic attack.”

“Thanks,” Eddie murmured, taking the bottle carefully and looking it over.  _ Take 1 tablet daily as needed for anxiety. Do not exceed 1 tablet per day. _

“If it works you can ask the school nurse for a clinician appointment,” Patty told him. “Then you can get your own so it’s not, like, super sketchy.”

“Right, yeah. Thanks,” Eddie said again, sticking it in his pocket. “Panic attacks and sleep.”

“Nonono,” Patty said quickly. “Just panic attacks. It’s not a sleeping pill.”

“You gave it to me so I could sleep,” Eddie reminded her.

“That was… different,” Patty said a little sheepishly. “That was, like - ”

“A special occasion?”

Patty pursed her lips, not laying back down next to him. “Kind of, yeah.”

Eddie nodded silently, not sure what to say.

“How have you been feeling since?”

“Richie asked me to be his boyfriend,” Eddie blurted out, trying to turn the uncomfortable bubbling in his chest into excitement. She was still looking at him apprehensively as he smiled up at her.

“Really?”

“Yeah, I mean… we’ve practically liked each other since kindergarten, so it was about time,” Eddie reminisced, smiling fondly thinking about him, letting it wash over all the other feelings.

Patty didn’t say anything for a moment, her eyes fixed uncomfortably on Eddie while he played with one of the buttons on his shirt. “That’s great,” she said a little thickly. “I’m happy for you guys. Just, you know, be careful.”

“What do you mean?” Eddie asked, turning his head up slowly to look at her again.

“Well, you guys are older now. People change.”

“He’s not like that,” Eddie snapped defensively, probably a little too loudly. “Weren’t you defending these strangers you went to the party with? Why are you being weird about Richie?”

“I’m not, I’m not,” Patty assured him, her hands up in surrender. “I’m not saying anything about him, I’m just - you should just make sure to take care of yourself. Even if he’s nice. He could make you uncomfortable without meaning to.”

“Well, he doesn’t,” Eddie said firmly. “Are you done?”

Patty sighed. “Yeah. Yeah, I’m done.”

“Are you going back to your dorm?” Eddie said with an air of hostility. 

“Uh, yeah. I’ve got reading I should get done before my classes tomorrow,” Patty mumbled awkwardly, scooting herself to the end of the bed so she could crawl off without moving over where Eddie was laying. 

“Cool,” Eddie replied coldly, keeping his eyes off of her. “I’ll see you around.”

She paused for a moment after putting her shoes on, but didn’t address the uncomfortable conversation further. “Bye, Eddie.”

Eddie didn’t say anything as he waved his hand over his shoulder in her general direction, waiting to hear the door snap shut quietly before shifting himself up on the bed, curling his fingers in his hair. Way to scare her off, you fucking idiot.

Not sure when Stanley was going to be back, Eddie started pacing around the room, trying to use the music still playing from the radio to ground himself. Every little thing was so goddamn upsetting when he wasn’t completely distracted, and he wasn’t sure what else he could do without leaving his room and risking running into anyone unpleasant on campus. Before the party, he wanted to try going to the gym and run on the indoor track, get into better shape, but now he was terrified of just going down to the dining hall by himself.

Thinking about Richie was hit or miss; he felt so strongly about him, but the closer they were getting, the more Eddie was going to be thinking about having sex with him. Having been with girls, Eddie felt it was unlikely Richie was going to be the - what the fuck does he call it?  _ Receiver _ ? He hasn’t exactly been one to keep up with LGBT lingo, but the thought of doing  _ that _ made him nervous.

Eddie can physically feel his heartbeat slowdown and a flush over his skin thinking about last night and Richie’s mouth on him and how gentle he was and that… helps. He sat down on the bed again, tugging his jeans off and throwing them on the floor, wondering if he could possibly handle touching himself without an episode, not having done it without Richie around since -  _ since _ . If he can just focus on Richie’s voice in his head, maybe that will help.

It’s a goddamn blessing Richie talks so much, because Eddie now has an arsenal of phrases in his memory now, fisting his own cock while thinking about the things Richie whispered into his ear when they were back in the dorm together, or when Eddie was shamefully shoving his dick in the bible down in the lounge. Now that he has the freedom of privacy, he let himself moan softly and try to think about Richie’s larger hand on him and his body boxing Eddie in on the mattress and tracing his fingers over Eddie’s skin. Thoughts of Patrick and Henry still threaten to burst through the surface, but Richie’s are stronger and help push Eddie through it until he let out a small gasp and felt himself spilling out into his hand. 

There’s no chest restrictions or closing throat this time and Eddie slowly just breaths in and out comfortably where he’s laying on the bed. He’s ok, he thinks. Nothing feels wrong or uncomfortable, but a shyness sweeps over him when he realizes he’s just bottomless in his bed and his roommate can walk in at any moment. 

Although he doesn’t panic, there’s still an emptiness in his chest as Eddie cleans himself up, not sure where it’s coming from. It kind of came on suddenly, but it’s a slow, sinking feeling, not accompanied by much else. Not sure if he can handle whatever it’s leading to, Eddie pulled the bottle Patty gave him from his jean pocket on the floor, easily dry swallowing one of the little pills. He knows it’ll make him sleepy, and maybe that’s ok, so he put on some pajamas, crawling into bed and sighing into his pillow. Eddie pulled his shoulder in close to cover his face from whatever light was still able to make it into his room through the window blinds and he can smell a little bit of Richie’s cologne on his sleeve. He let himself breathe it in slowly, telling himself that he could probably afford to sleep his Sunday away as he felt the effects of the medicine start to kick in; he didn’t have much else to do, anyway. 


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i am not dead. yay.
> 
> i hope all of you 18+ Americans voted if you were able to. that being said, i wrote a lot to avoid thinking about it after i cast my vote today.
> 
> typical themes in this chapter, thank you kindly for waiting <3

After Eddie finished his Monday classes, he ran back to his dorm hall to scarf down some lunch and hide in his room for the rest of the day. Part of him wanted to stalk Richie a little bit in his classes, but he had no idea where Richie would be anyway and didn’t want to wander around on his own. 

Week days always brought the crowds in, all of the off-campus students cluttering the dining areas. Unfortunately, Eddie wasn’t allowed to take any food to-go from the halls with his meal plan, so he desperately tried to find a place to eat quickly, away from as many of the other kids as possible. Finally, he found a table where he had at least a seat between himself and the nearest person, setting his backpack down on the chair so no one would get in his personal space.

The blond kid beside Eddie’s backpack seat looked up at him, staring a little too long for Eddie’s comfort. He felt his cheeks burning with a blush while the man’s eyes were still on him, now much too aware of the way he was eating.

“Hey, do I know you?”

Eddie swallowed stroganoff, looking up at him. “Uh, I don’t think so.”

“He was at Connor’s party,” said the girl that sat across from him. “He was hanging out with Patrick.”

“Ohhh,” the blond dude said, laughing awkwardly. “Yeah, you got sick playing Mortal Kombat.”

“Y-yup, that - that was me,” Eddie muttered, turning back to his food.

“Hey, man, I can’t stand those games either. Kids these days - ”

“Oh my _god_ ,” the girl laughed. “You sound like my fucking grandma. Plus, you’re just being bitchy because Richie kicks your ass every time.”

“Oh!” Eddie exclaimed, making them both stare at him. “Are you Beverly?”

“Who’s asking?” she said, but she was smiling kindly at him.

“My name’s Eddie.”

“Oh, Eddie!” she squealed, scooting over to sit in front of him. “I’ve heard so much about you!”

“You have?” Eddie started feeling sweaty and nervous, looking at this absolutely gorgeous girl that Richie seemed to think paled in comparison to Eddie. It was sort of intimidating seeing her, especially all delight and smiles.

“Totally,” she grinned. “And aren’t you just cute as a button? Just like Richie said you were.”

“Bev,” the other student sighed as Eddie pulled his beanie down again in embarrassment. “He might not want people to _know_ ,” he added pointedly.

“I’m gonna kill him,” he muttered.

“Why don’t you come to class with us? I’d love to see him get strangled,” Bev chuckled.

“Oh, uh, what class?” Eddie asked, lifting his beanie up a little to look at her.

“Feminism in lit.”

“That’s a class?”

“Everything is a class,” she shrugged. “I have a peace studies class and we’re taught by this legit Penobscot tribal leader.” 

“Your entire class schedule is fucking weird,” her friend said.

“Who, uhm - ?” Eddie started, feeling impolite. 

“I’m Ben,” he said, smiling and offering a hand. Eddie took it and immediately felt his small fingers nearly crushed. “Beverly’s worse half.”

“Oh, shut up,” Bev giggled, rolling her eyes. “So, Eddie, you want to come to the class with me?”

“Uh, ok. Will the professor mind me there?”

“No, she’ll be just happy to see another pair of male ears listening to her drab.”

It was easy to be smitten by Beverly; she practically radiated sunshine. Being around her, plus the prospect of seeing Richie a day sooner than planned, brought a lightness to Eddie he wished he could welcome more often. The only issue was that the lightness struggled against a fit of nausea threatening in his gut that he knew stemmed from jealousy. It didn’t really help that Beverly had a boyfriend, because it only fueled this unfriendly thought that it could’ve been the only real reason Richie would choose Eddie instead of pursuing Beverly again.

 _He likes you_ , Eddie reminded himself over and over. _He said he always has. Cut the shit, Eddie._

Another horrible thought occurred to Eddie, intrusively pestering his forebrain; the idea that these people also knew Henry and Patrick. Henry, whom Eddie _still_ didn’t know in any real sense, let alone what he looked like. 

Upset again, with the daunting anxiety that these thoughts were going to consume his head space for the rest of his life, Eddie became silent on the walk to Beverly and Richie’s class. He tried his best not to get lost in his thoughts and focus on what Beverly was talking about, but it was difficult until they entered the classroom. Warmth washed over him tenfold when he caught sight of the back of Richie’s head.

Does he do something cute? Is Eddie even capable of doing such a thing in public without making a fool of himself? He wants to make a joke, but his mouth is dry as they approach the empty seats beside Richie, and Eddie can only slip into the one on Richie’s left silently and stare up at him shyly until Richie reacts.

“Seats taken,” Richie said before he lifted his head up to look at the intruder. His somber expression lit up the instant his eyes met Eddie’s; he straightened up in his chair so fast he knocked his notebook off the desk.

“Eds! Shit - ”

“Aw, you get all butterfingers and awkward around your boo,” Beverly cooed as she sat on the other side of Eddie, grinning ear to ear while Richie picked his stuff up. “That’s adorable.”

“Piss off, Red,” Richie chuckled, his cheeks blushing slightly.

“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled sheepishly, still smiling so stupidly his face hurt. “Am I going to be a distraction?”

“If you weren’t here I’d just spend the whole class wishing you were, anyway,” Richie grinned, setting his things down on his desk again. He leaned over, taking Eddie’s chin so he could lean in to kiss him, but Eddie instinctively pulled away as a jolt of anxiety shot through him. 

No one was looking over at them to Eddie’s relief, but the brief solace of privacy was quickly crushed by the hurt lined on Richie’s face.

“Sorry,” Richie muttered, pulling away again. “Wasn’t thinking.”

“No, don’t,” Eddie whined, now embarrassed _and_ guilty. “It’s just - it’s different in the car and stuff - ”

“I know,” Richie said simply, smiling sadly at him.

This wasn’t exactly how Eddie wanted to surprise him; no, definitely not in the least bit. The classroom was smaller than the large auditoriums Eddie was used to, filled with the moveable tablet arm desks that Eddie was able to scoot over closer to Richie, at least. Thankfully, Eddie was able to make Richie smile again, watching him shake with silent laughter at Eddie’s ruckus, scraping the legs of his desk against the old tile floor.

“So much or not drawing attention over here,” Richie chuckled as Eddie did his best to ignore half the class staring back at the idiot making all of the noise. “It’s also rude to keep hats on indoors.”

Richie pulled Eddie’s beanie off and ruffled his already tousled hair, but only put the beanie on himself instead. Eddie couldn’t even find himself to be annoyed if he got to stare at Richie for the entire class. For the most part, he was able to drown it out, doodling in a notebook and sharing stupid jokes with Richie back and forth on a looseleaf of paper. The interaction was simple and sweet, flashing soft smiles at each other throughout the class and forgetting about any bad thoughts that were plaguing Eddie before.

That was, until -

“How is that not _rape_ though?” one of the girls in the class said heatedly, staring daggers at another student next to her.

Both Eddie and Richie’s heads snapped up, neither having been paying attention to the conversation beforehand, lost in their own little world. Now Eddie’s insides were cold.

“Are you telling me he didn’t enjoy it?” another student scoffed, ignoring the angry look the girl was giving him. “What dude _wouldn’t_ want to bang his hot teacher?”

“He’s _twelve!_ ” the girl screeched, turning red in the face.

“Yeah, so? He wasn’t putting up a fight, was he?”

“That doesn’t mean anything.”

“What if it had been a girl with a male teacher?” another student piped in.

“That’s so fucking different!”

“How is that different?” Beverly shouted over at him, looking angry and cutting into the conversation.

Whatever the hell they were talking about, Eddie didn’t have to worry about processing it, because Richie was taking his wrist gently and pulling him out of his seat. On autopilot, Eddie got up, not even noticing that Richie had grabbed all of their things and had slung both their backpacks over his shoulder, gently guiding Eddie out and into the hall. 

“That was really shitty timing,” Richie huffed once they were out, letting go of Eddie so he could kneel down and properly zip up their notebooks in the backpacks. “I swear to god, all we usually talk about is Jane Austen and recognizing the _male gaze_ in fiction.”

“What the fuck were they even talking about?” Eddie spat out, feeling his heart going berserk in his chest. It seemed he had just narrowly avoided another debilitating panic attack thanks to Richie’s rapid-fire response.

“Why don’t we go back to your dorm, Eds?” Richie offered, helping Eddie put his jacket back on. “C’mon, I’ll walk you back.”

“It’s freezing, Rich. I don’t want you walking all the way there just to come back.”

“So I’ll stay,” Richie said, smiling down at him. “Only if you want, of course.”

“What about your class?”

“Fuck it,” Richie shrugged. “Stan will appreciate the quiet. It’s a discussion-based class and he apparently thinks I talk too much.”

“O - okay,” Eddie nodded, letting his muscles relax. Spending the rest of the day with Richie didn’t seem like something he could argue against.

Maybe, Eddie thought, maybe he could have one goddamn day where he saw Richie and _not_ have some sort of breakdown or fit. Just as he was thinking about this, though, Richie placed his hand on Eddie’s shoulder, forcing him to stop.

“Actually,” Richie said, his eyes full of concern still. “Why don’t we go talk to your counselor? You might feel better.”

“What - what, _now?_ ” Eddie stammered, suddenly feeling ambushed.

“We were going to do it tomorrow, anyway, right?”

“Yeah… but…”

“You don’t have to,” Richie assured him earnestly, giving Eddie’s shoulder a good squeeze. “I just figured - while we’re here, you know. While this is on your mind, too.”

Eddie nodded and felt the tightness of his chest slacken just a bit. It could’ve been a sign, or maybe it was just the physical touch and comfort from Richie, but he decided to act on it.

Richie kept his hand on the small of Eddie’s back as Eddie led them to Dennis’s office, where he hopefully was in his office at this time. Eddie couldn’t remember his office hours, but was very thankful to see that he was just finishing a conversation with a student leaving his office. Eddie took a deep breath and offered a weak smile as he approached.

“Hi, Eddie,” Dennis smiled back. “How are you doing with the new schedule? Much easier for you now, I hope, without a full course load.”

“Yes, sir,” Eddie told him.

“You’re not having issues in any other classes, are you?” Dennis asked, frowning now. “I know Kabir can be tough - ”

“No, no, the issue is - my classes are fine. Can we - ?” He gestured to the office and Dennis nodded, gesturing in turn for Eddie to go on in. 

“And you are…?”

“Just a friend,” Richie said, moving to sit down at the bench outside of the office. “I’ll be right here when you’re done, Eds.”

Eddie smiled at him, but couldn’t help but notice the intense contemplation in Richie’s face before Dennis closed the door behind him. He could worry about it after, he supposed, as his anxiety was building up in his gut again as he sat down in front of Dennis’s desk.

“How can I help you, Eddie?”

 _How_ can _you help?_ Eddie thought. Maybe just talking about it would suffice, get some of the feelings off of his chest. Telling Richie certainly felt better afterwards. Telling a professional should at least be mildly helpful. Eddie took a deep breath, trying to tell the story with more or less detail than he had told Richie, all while looking down at his hands stiffly sitting on his lap. As he told the story again, he couldn’t help but notice small details changing and wondering if he was even remembering anything right. It made him feel sick, thinking about things he was forgetting. The things he remembered were bad enough.

There was a heavy silence after he finished and Eddie fidgeted in the uncomfortably still quiet. He was crying again, to no surprise, but at least it was more controlled than his spells had been before. Something creaked loudly, making Eddie jump, and he saw Dennis had gotten up from his chair, taking a box of tissues on his desk before sitting down in the chair beside Eddie. Eddie mumbled a soft _thank you_ as he took a tissue from the box handed to him.

“Eddie, that was very brave of you for telling me,” Dennis said quietly. “It’s not easy for anyone to do.”

“Th-thanks,” Eddie whispered, looking up at Dennis curiously. He wasn’t sure what to expect from this conversation, but Dennis was looking at him softly; it didn’t seem like pity, but rather an understanding.

“Did you go to anyone else after it happened?”

Eddie shook his head. “No. I was embarrassed… How many guys does this even happen to?”

“You’d be surprised,” Dennis said quietly. “Although I’m not sure if that really makes you feel better or worse.”

“Both,” Eddie chuckled humorlessly. “Somehow both.”

“The most important thing to remember though, Eddie, is it’s not - ”

“I know, I know,” Eddie grumbled, closing his eyes tight. “It’s not my fault. But that doesn’t _help._ I can’t stop thinking about it because - because they’re always going to know what they did to me, and I can’t control that. I don’t know _why_ but that’s the thing that fucking gets me - sorry for cursing - but it’s always on my mind, unless I’m like with my boyfriend or something, and even then - ”

Eddie froze, realizing he accidentally outed himself and possibly Richie outside, but Dennis didn’t seem to react to that tidbit of information. Instead, he sighed heavily, holding his hands under his chin, elbows leaning on the arms of the chair. 

“We have a counselor’s office on campus. I’m afraid they’d be much more qualified to talk to you about this than I would. The nurses office also sometimes offers free STD panels - ”

“STD panels?” Eddie asked, eyes popping open immediately. “You mean, like - like _AIDS_ or something? Oh god I fucking - shit - I didn’t get tested after, I - I - ” Eddie scrambled to find his inhaler, the damn placebo he still needed just to _breathe_ correctly, even though it really had no real medical use. He sucked in a deep breath as he pushed the trigger, taking in huge gulps of air while Dennis attempted to calm him down. He wondered if Richie could hear him outside and wasn’t sure if he’d prefer that or not.

Of all things that hadn’t been upsetting him, Eddie couldn’t believe he didn’t get screened for anything. His mother drilled the AIDS pandemic into his head, trying to reassure herself that if she reminded him how many ‘ _faggots_ had the disease, he’d never become one. Eddie always thought he’d be too careful, much too disease cautious to worry about such a thing, but…

Well, jokes on him now.

One of Dennis’s hands rested gently on Eddie’s shoulders while he caught his breath, tilting his head up to focus on something incredulously stupid like the dots in the panels of the ceiling. 

“Why don’t I schedule you an appointment?” Dennis suggested kindly. “I’ll send a referral to the counselors for now and you can decide whether or not you want to tell them or if you’d rather go just to work out your feelings, or even if you want to go at all.”

“What can I even do?” Eddie found himself saying quietly. “What the hell is there for me to do about this? I’m fucking ruined. If I’m sick or something - ”

“You’re not ruined, Eddie,” Dennis said quietly. “I promise. We’re never so irreparably broken. You’re a tough kid for surviving this. It’ll get better.”

Eddie nodded non-committedly, allowing Dennis to make some phone calls to set Eddie up with whatever might be helpful. While he waited, he took out the pill bottle Patty had given him, dry-swallowing a tiny pill with ease. That aching hollow feeling was returning to Eddie’s chest and he just wanted to leave. How the hell was he going to bring this up to Richie?

_Hey, wanna go out for Valentine’s Day? Dinner and an HIV test, romantic right?_

Vaguely aware Dennis was saying _something_ , Eddie mumbled a thank you, taking the slip of paper with the information Eddie needed on it before leaving. Richie was outside, leg bouncing so much it was practically vibrating, but he jumped up the second Eddie came outside.

“Hey, sweetheart,” he said softly, keeping his voice quiet.

Eddie managed to offer a small smile, but by the look on Richie’s face it probably looked more like a grimace. They walked back to Eddie’s dorm mostly in silence, Richie rubbing the small of Eddie’s back while the harsh wind bit their cheeks.

“I forgot you said you dropped Kabir’s class,” Richie said suddenly, his voice tight.

“Huh? Oh - yeah, I dropped it - after… Aren’t you going to go to your class now?” Eddie asked as Richie walked him up to the dorm.

“It already started,” Richie shrugged. “Told you I was skipping, remember?”

“Oh. Right.”

He was distracted still, his mind humming unpleasantly with jumble of thoughts. Thankfully, Richie waited until they were in the warm, tiny dorm with the door closed before saying anything more descriptive.

“What did your counselor say?”

“He gave me some appointments,” Eddie muttered. “I - I have to go to the nurses office on Wednesday.”

“Wednesday? Oh…” Richie’s face fell. “You - you didn’t do that yet?”

“Do what?” Eddie asked, looking up at him nervously. 

“Valentine’s Day,” Richie said slowly. “They always do the free HIV tests and stuff. That’s why you need to go, right? Because you didn’t get tested?”

Eddie brought his shaking hands over his mouth, trying to suppress the dry sob that escaped him, guilt seeping through him like acid. “Richie, I’m so sorry - ”

“Hey hey hey,” Richie cooed, immediately engulfing Eddie in his arms. “I’m not mad, please don’t get upset. It’s ok.”

“What if I _gave you something?_ ” Eddie cried, burying his face into Richie’s chest. “Fuck, Richie, I wasn’t even _thinking._ How the fuck could I not be thinking about a _disease?_ ”

“It’s not something you _should_ have needed to think about,” Richie reasoned, squeezing Eddie tightly with one arm while stroking his hair with the other. “You always think about that stuff with sex, not… you know…”

“Oh _god,”_ Eddie moaned, gripping Richie’s shirt tightly.

Eventually, Richie was able to coax Eddie to come into the bed with him, laying them down almost the same way; Eddie curled up there in Richie’s chest while he held on to Eddie. It was calming to lay down in the warmth, finally letting his muscles relax into the stiff dorm mattress beneath his sheets. Of course, it could’ve been the pill he took before, but he felt like someone wrapped his insides in a heated blanket.

“It’ll be ok,” Richie was whispering into Eddie’s hair. “No matter what, I’ll be right here, ok? I’ll come with you and we can get tested together and hell, maybe even do some cheesy Valentine’s day shit.”

“What if I got you sick?” Eddie asked in a hollow voice. 

“S’just one blowjob, Eds,” Richie assured him. “You never know.”

“No, we don’t… That’s the point, isn’t it?”

Richie sighed, rubbing up and down Eddie’s back. “Listen, we don’t have to do anything. We’ll be careful. Hey, you can always hump my leg again if you want; dry humping is very safe.”

“Doesn’t feel very fair to you…”

“I just love spending time with you, Eds. I don’t care what we’re doing.”

“Rich,” Eddie said softly, waiting for Richie to pull himself back enough to look directly at Eddie. “Remember when you said I’d get sick of you? Turned tables, am I right? I’ve already been so annoying… and a fucking mess.” 

He chuckled awkwardly, but Richie ran his hand through Eddie’s hair, brushing down his face to cup his cheek with his large palm. “I’d never get sick of you, Eds. I love you.”

Eddie felt his heart flip in his chest, an intoxicating sort of sickness spreading out throughout his body. “W-what?”

Richie’s thumb brushed his cheek as he offered Eddie an apologetic half-smile. “Unpaused, remember?”

Ten days; it had been ten days since he ran into Richie again and fell into this spiral of emotions, twisting up his insides and making his heart soar. It should have been dangerous, but he thought about the other day, remembered them talking about how all those years apart from each other never managed to muffle the intense feelings they had always had there; hiding; waiting to emerge again like a phoenix from ashes. This wasn’t just some guy he met on campus, but someone who had been with Eddie at some of the most significant, best, and worst parts of his life since they skidded their knees on the playground. So it didn’t feel so scary when Eddie smiled back, pushing himself forward to give Richie the kiss that was stolen from them this morning, when Eddie _was_ afraid. 

He shouldn’t let them stop him anymore.

“I love you too, ‘Chee.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Listen, my boys deserve love and they waited long enough for each other. They're besties and lovers for life, meeting again only awakened that and I'm just rambling to validate their expressions of love in my sappy angsty fic.
> 
> This was note beta read, apologies for any errors and mistakes<3


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Monday<3

It didn’t pass on Eddie how _creepy_ he was being by just staring at Richie like this. They were still on Eddie’s bed, Richie with his face buried in a book he needed to read for class, and Eddie with a notebook open with a worksheet of various equations he couldn’t bother to look at right now. He supposed he could do those tomorrow, since he had something more interesting right here in front of him.

“When did you start cutting your hair so short?” Eddie asked him at one point.

“Hmm, like sophomore year of high school? It kind of stopped growing down and just - ” Richie made a gesture with his hands around his head and puffing out his cheeks to mimic hair sticking out from the sides. He laughed and looked back up at Eddie. “You miss the longer hair?”

Eddie shrugged, reaching up to run a hand through Richie’s curls. “I just like you. It got much curlier as you got older. It would probably be a disaster if you grew it out.”

Richie seemed to forget about his book, throwing it up on Eddie’s dresser behind the head of the bed as he leaned closer to Eddie. His eyes looked up at Eddie’s hair, mimicking Eddie’s movements and running his fingers through it.

“I should dye it,” Eddie sighed.

“What - why?”

“Richie, I’m twenty and I’m going _gray."_

“So? I dig the salt and pepper look. Black and silver, like a bond villain. Very sexy.”

“Ugh, is not,” Eddie grumbled, wishing he knew where Richie threw his beanie so he could hide in it. 

“Oh, it so is,” Richie growled, pushing himself forward and kissing Eddie first on the lips, then tracing small kisses along his jaw. “Everything about you is incredible.”

“Mmm,” was all Eddie could manage to say, unable to stop himself from throwing his notebook and calculator off of his lap and making Richie chuckle.

“I’m not trying to get you all randy.”

“Too late.” Eddie pulled Richie’s face back to his own, kissing him fervently on the lips and dragging him on top of Eddie. They could kiss before Wednesday. Kissing didn’t give you STDs. At least, not when you asked someone besides Sonia Kaspbrak. Eddie wrapped his leg around Richie’s, tucking it behind the back of Richie’s knee to encourage him to rest more of his weight on top of Eddie where they laid in the bed, kissing and stroking each other as the music playing on Stan’s radio drowned out anything else beyond their heavy breathing.

Something was burning in Eddie’s chest and he started to nip at Richie’s lips, digging his nails into Richie’s scalp as he kept pulling Richie closer to him. Richie made a strange jerking motion and Eddie realized he was trying to keep his hips from pressing into Eddie’s, hovering just ever so slightly above him. But Eddie wanted him to feel _good,_ as good as he had made Eddie feel. And, well, _Richie_ hadn’t been the one who had to worry about spreading anything.

So Eddie reached down and laid his hand flat on Richie’s hip; he realized with great embarrassment that his mouth would become clumsy when he tried to do anything with his hands, so Richie took notice right away, pulling back enough to smile down at him.

“You ok, Eds?”

“Yeah,” Eddie breathed. “I just…” He slowly moved his hand to the hems of Richie’s jeans, letting his thumb play around with the front button. “I wanted to know if you… you wanted me to… you know.”

“You don’t have to,” Richie assured him again.

“I want to,” Eddie told him.

Richie looked at his face carefully, taking a moment to think about it. “You can stop anytime, ok? I won’t be mad.”

Eddie nodded, his skin suddenly flushing and feeling sweat built up in uncomfortable places as his nerves got the best of him with this small exchange of words. So he was going to give Richie a hand job. No big deal. No fucking big deal. Just his best friend since he was five years old.

Eddie’s hand was shaking so badly, Richie reached down and undid the button for him.

“I’m just nervous,” Eddie whispered up at him. “I’ve never done this before.”

“Not even to yourself?”

“Oh. Well, yeah, to myself obviously…”

“Same idea,” Richie smiled patiently, keeping himself up while Eddie unzipped his pants. 

“Can you kiss me while I…?”

Wordlessly, Richie leaned back down and kissed Eddie again, taking the lead and letting their mouths move together more slowly, gently, as Eddie fumbled around between them to pull Richie out. The size was daunting, but Eddie couldn’t stop the moan that escaped his throat when he wrapped his small hand around the head of Richie’s dick. To his surprise, Richie bucks his hips at the touch, groaning against Eddie’s mouth. Eliciting that noise from him felt almost as good as _getting_ touched, a soft, delighted feeling growing in Eddie’s chest as he moved his hand.

“Is that ok?” Eddie asked needlessly, since Richie was letting out small moans between his panting.

“ _Very_ ok, Eds,” Richie laughed lightly against Eddie’s mouth, sending goosebumps across Eddie’s skin. 

“Is there anything else I can do?” Eddie asked, feeling like this was probably nothing, considering Richie had _had sex_ before, making this pale in comparison.

But Richie just shook his head and kept kissing along Eddie’s jaw, and Eddie was delighted to have seen the blush in Richie’s pale cheeks rising before he ducked his head down and buried his face into Eddie’s neck. His breath was so hot, but it was making Eddie squirm and shiver, writhing around under where he was jerking Richie off. He just couldn’t get over how tingly he would get when Richie touched his neck, nibbled on his ears, and it was almost as good as an actual fucking orgasm, if Eddie could believe it.

One of Richie’s hands snaked up Eddie’s shirt, scorching his skin where Richie’s palm soothed at his belly. 

“Wait,” Eddie said, wiggling around enough so he could take his sweater and undershirt off. Richie was looking at him with blown out pupils and flushed skin and a hungry look in his eyes that made Eddie’s heart somersault. 

“So you have somewhere to - you know,” Eddie chuckled awkwardly, pulling Richie back on top of him. Getting the idea, Richie aligned his hips higher, arching his back so he was folded over Eddie to keep kissing him.

“That feels really good Eds,” Richie encouraged breathlessly, trying to kiss Eddie’s cheeks but failing as he was starting to tense his stomach and scrunch his face in a way Eddie recognized all too well.

Somehow, Eddie felt enough courage in him to say, “I want you to come, Rich. I wanna see you come on me.”

That just about did it, sending Richie over the edge after a few more good strokes. Eddie was lost trying to focus both on Richie’s face and the strings of white that shot out on his stomach, staring wide-eyed between both of them in shock. It was so warm and tingled on his skin, dripping down from where Eddie’s thumb was gently rubbing the last bit away from Richie’s red tip.

“Fuck, Eddie,” Richie chuckled, thumbing Eddie’s cheek.

“That was ok?” Eddie asked nervously.

“More than,” Richie smiled, kissing Eddie warmly on the forehead, lingering just a bit. He pulled away and smirked down at Eddie’s cum covered stomach and chest, lifting his hand up to his face. He clicked his tongue and pretended to take a picture with an invisible camera, chuckling, “Perfect for my mental spank bank.”

Eddie said nothing, but he felt a cold settling into his chest the second Richie made the noise with his tongue. He felt he wasn’t able to move as Richie got up to go grab a towel. He still said nothing as Richie came over to help clean him off, not until Richie rolled up the towel to toss into Eddie’s laundry bin.

“Eds?” he asked, concern on his face.

“Rich,” Eddie whispered. “Do you think… anyone else saw the pictures?”

Richie frowned for a second in confusion before realization dawned on him. He leaned over to stroke Eddie’s face, eyeing him carefully, unsure of what to say, it seems. Something seemed to be working in his head, but Eddie couldn’t tell what he could possibly be thinking about. “Eddie, I… I don’t know.”

“That’s the thing, isn’t it,” Eddie said shakily. “I’ll probably never know. Fuck, I’m - ”

“Stop saying you’re sorry,” Richie retorted, almost sounding angry at Eddie. “Cut that shit out. You didn’t do anything.”

“Sor - ok,” Eddie muttered. He was shivering.

“You want your sweater?” Richie asked more softly.

Eddie nodded, sitting up while Richie took his sweater off the ground, pulling it inside-in again for Eddie to put on.

“I need new clothes,” Eddie sighed, wanting to change the subject as quickly as possible. He fingered a hole between the stripes of his sweater close to the hem. “These things are ancient. I’ve not been shopping for years, and I pretty much just grabbed these from a donation bin.”

Richie sat on the edge of the bed, pulling his legs up next to Eddie’s. “What kind of clothes do you want?”

“I dunno,” Eddie shrugged. “Maybe I’ll get more sweaters when I get my refund check from the class I dropped. A nice soft one. Some new jeans. I swim in these.”

“It’s a little cute, not gonna lie,” Richie told him, smiling again. “I especially like seeing you in my clothes.”

“That would be nice, too,” Eddie smiled in return. 

Glad to be over his nerves, they went back to their homework until Eddie just couldn’t look at numbers anymore. It was almost time to go downstairs for dinner, having just turned the lamps on with the setting of the sun. 

“Did you wanna eat here?” Eddie asked. “Or will you go back home?” 

“Actually, uh… can I sleep over?” Richie asked almost bashfully. “It’s hard enough getting up at the buttcrack of dawn for my morning class and driving the half hour here.”

“That would be great!” Eddie exclaimed. “I mean, as long as Stan doesn’t mind, which I’m sure he won’t.”

Eddie wondered how long it would take to get used to Richie doing simple things like kiss him on the cheek and smile fondly at him. Not anytime soon, it seems. It also didn’t help that when Eddie put his beanie on to leave the dorm, it now smelled like Richie’s shampoo from when he was wearing the hat earlier. Eddie couldn’t stop himself from pulling it down and sniffing it.

“Ya little freak,” Richie chuckled when he saw Eddie do this in the elevator. “I could just bend over so you can sniff my head.”

“Yeah, because _that’s_ not weird at all.”

“Ugh, now that I’m thinking about that extra time to sleep in the morning _and_ waking up curled up around your itty bitty body, I wish I could live here.”

“No, you don’t. The dorms are _disgusting._ Don’t even get me started on the showers. All the germs and shit festering in there. Stan is going to move out over the summer and he said he’s going to find a place on his own, I think. Wish I could do that.”

“We could, you know,” Richie shrugged as they stepped out of the elevator to head outside. “Get a place. You and me.”

“Why would you do that?” Eddie huffed. “You pay no rent, your parents are amazing, and I make _no_ money.”

“I’ll be your Sugar Daddy,” Richie winked, now opening the door for Eddie to step into the brief blistering cold. How stupid that their dorms didn’t connect directly to the dining halls downstairs in the same building as them. “I’ll come home and you can cook and clean for me.”

“I’ll burn the house down,” Eddie laughed. “I can’t cook for _shit._ My mom never let me, and any time I might’ve _tried_ was a disaster. If cereal could catch fire, I’d have done it already.”

“What if you got a job on campus?” Richie suggested. “Or even working for a mechanic! You said you’d want to do that, right?”

“Yeah, that’s still a possibility,” Eddie nodded. “That would be really awesome.”

Eddie used a guest pass on his student card to let Richie in, a small favor for all the times Richie got to feed him. Eddie wished they could take their food up to his dorm, not wanting to take his jacket off just to put the damn thing back on in twenty minutes, but sweating too much for comfort in all his layers. 

Dinner, of course, took much longer than expected with Richie making a stand-up routine out of it and making Eddie laugh so hard he thought he was going to lose his dinner again. Once he settled down, the crowds around him started to make him anxious as more and more people were coming in from late classes.

“Dorms?” Richie whispered gently, watching Eddie take a hit from his inhaler.

“Yes, please,” he replied softly. Richie took his tray for him, but he followed him to the trash anyway, not wanting to leave his side. Once they were outside again, he shivered and tucked himself close to Richie’s side, even if the walk was only a minute, tops. “I wish this stuff would stop.”

“Being cold?”

“My fucking - sick feeling all the time. Being around people. Wanting to panic.”

“It’s anxiety, Eds. Doesn’t really go away without professional help.”

“I don’t need a shrink,” Eddie scoffed.

“What’s wrong with therapy?”

“It’s for crazy people.”

“I’m in therapy. I’m - ok, maybe not the _best_ example.”

“Wait, what?” Eddie asked, looking up at Richie as he held the door open again, too shocked to move. “What the hell are you in therapy for?”

“Uh, can you go inside, Eds?” Richie said impatiently, bouncing on the balls of his feet in the cold.

Eddie did, still feeling bewildered by this information, trying to let this sink in. “When do you, like - go?” he finally asked once they were back in his dorm. He was silently glad Stan hadn’t come back yet, since they had left the lights and radio on.

“Every two weeks,” Richie said casually, kicking his shoes off where he sat on Eddie’s bed. “I started going after my psychiatrist recommended it.”

“Your who? Isn’t - isn’t that the therapy - person?”

“No, the doctor gives me my meds,” Richie explained patiently.

Eddie couldn’t stop himself from cocking his head to the side. “You take… medicine? For…?”

“Uh, I started to take it for my ADHD,” Richie told him. “Then I was on a bunch of stuff for, uh… depression. Tried a few drugs before I figured out which ones worked. Helped a lot with my grades. Calmed down a lot.”

It was true, Eddie thought. As goofy and charismatic Richie still was, to Eddie at least, he wasn’t as _yappy_ or impulsive. He took off his socks, throwing them balled up onto the floor, letting his toes spread out comfortably against the carpet (a small, strange comfort he had, since he had never been allowed to be barefoot in his home). 

“It helps? The medicine?”

“A lot, yeah.”

“And the… therapy? You started going because you were… depressed?”

“Uh huh.”

“How come?” 

It was probably a rude question, or it would have been to anyone else, but Richie barked out a laugh and threw his head back. “God, where to _begin._ I suppose being a repressed queer with buck-teeth in a redneck down, getting bullied endlessly and watching the love of my life get dragged away to Queens.”

Eddie felt himself blush at that, looking down shyly at his feet, still curling his toes in the fabric. “Your parents are really amazing though.”

“That helped, too. But they’re not… professionals. They can’t change the chemicals in my brain, hard as they may try. Plus, therapy is nice because I can say anything I want without Deb judging me. She’s a real homie.”

“That’s your - ?”

“My therapist, yeah,” Richie nodded, leaning back on his elbows. “Sometimes it’s a vent session. You never realize how angry you are until you can yell about shit without consequences. Other times she just acts like a common sense filter when my brain is too foggy to figure shit out. Sometimes I have to remember she’s not my friend, because she seems really chill and I don’t - I don’t really have many of those.”

 _I don’t think he has any friends,_ Stan had told Eddie. 

“What about Beverly? Her and Ben seemed to like you.”

Richie shrugged. “I don’t hang out with them much. I used to, like, _a lot,_ and any time they’d make plans I would call out sick from work and go and I just felt really… clingy. I’d go and get overly excited and hyper and I think I just annoy people too much. No, I am _definitely_ annoying. People in my circle don’t last long. If I had a circle. I try to keep to myself, since I know I won't leave me anytime soon.”

Eddie didn’t realize he had been walking towards Richie until their knees touched. Richie’s legs spread out to let Eddie into the space there, and he sat up to pull Eddie closer into him.

“Am I being a drag?” Richie teased; the seriousness behind his eyes was not lost on Eddie.

“I’m not going anywhere,” Eddie heard himself saying, letting his hands cup Richie’s lightly stubbled cheeks. “You’ll need a SWAT team to get rid of me.”

Richie chuckled, pulling Eddie right up against him, chest-to-chest. “Like I’d ever send you away.”

“I mean it, Richie. I love you.” The words spilled from his lips so comfortably, so effortlessly. He felt Richie sigh contentedly against him.

“I love you, too, sweetheart.”

God, Eddie _loved_ that, the sweet nothings and tender names he pretended to be annoyed of when they were children. He let himself lean forward and kiss Richie again, reaching up to fist his hands in Richie’s hair as he felt Richie wrap his long limbs around his waist. It was much more gentle than earlier, their tongues soft and slow against each other. Eddie was too blissed out to be embarrassed that his fucking _leg_ popped up like in a romcom movie.

Neither of them could grasp the concept of the world outside their tiny bubble where they sat on the bed, so Eddie yipped quite loudly when something hit him softly against the cheek. He reacted in enough time to catch it, staring down at the balled up sock in his hand.

“Never learn, do you?” Stan chirped, setting his backpack down by his bed, not unaccompanied.

“Hi, Mike!” Eddie said cheerfully, having his stupid sock with his hand at the near-giant man smiling fondly over Stan’s head.

“Nice to see you, Eddie,” Mike boomed, his deep voice echoing in the small space of their room.

“You two… know each other,” Stan said slowly, narrowing his eyes. “Seems to happen a lot for someone from Queens.”

“We just met once, last week,” Mike chuckled, squeezing Stan’s shoulder. Stan visibly cringed, but did not shake Mike off of him. 

“He walked me home from my night class,” Eddie explained.

“That was nice of him,” Richie said rather tightly, his arms squeezing tighter around Eddie’s waist. “Mike, is it?”

“Yeah. I know you, too, don’t I?” Mike asked, pointing at Richie and looking to place him. 

“Lit last semester,” Richie said right away.

“Right!” Mike snapped his fingers. “And you came to, uh, Connor’s Halloween party. You made an excellent beer pong partner.”

“Hey Stan, do you mind if I stay the night?” Richie blurted out over Eddie’s shoulder, still not loosening his grip. Eddie wasn’t sure why he sounded so adamant (and a little hysterical), but he was grateful to deter away from party talk.

“Uh, that’s… fine,” Stan said. “Are you… gonna sleep on the floor, or…?”

“Well, I figured Eddie’s bed would be better, so you don’t have to worry about stepping on me in the night, yeah?”

Eddie couldn’t see Richie’s face, not with how close Richie was squeezing him to his body, but he could’ve sworn Richie winked over at Stan as he planted a possessive kiss against Eddie’s neck.

“Uh, yeah. Just don’t do weird shit when I’m in the room.”

“I ought to get going,” Mike sighed. “It was nice catching up on the walk though, Stan.”

“Oh,” Stan said, looking a little startled, for some reason. “Yeah, thanks for… walking me back.”

“Michael the Valiant Dorm Walker,” Richie muttered.

Eddie nudged him, frowning down at Richie as Mike said goodbye to Stan, waiting until Stan left to brush his teeth to say anything.

“Richie, what the fuck?” Eddie asked, finally able to pull away from Richie’s vice grip.

“Sorry,” Richie sighed. “I don’t… know.”

“What makes you think I was ok with Mike knowing?”

“To be fair, he saw us making out when he walked in.” Richie threw his hands up in surrender.

“I guess,” Eddie huffed. “Do you have a problem with him?”

“Not… not a _problem,_ per se. I just… recognized him.”

“Recognized him from what?”

Richie trilled his lips. “You remember me telling you I hooked up with some guy at a party?”

“Oh. _Oh._ That was Mike?”

“Uh huh,” Richie sighed. “I avoided him for the rest of the year, not really ready to deal with liking guys openly yet. Then there was Connor, but… that was a different kind of mistake.”

“But Mike didn’t… take advantage of you, did he?”

“No,” Richie admitted. “But I just… knowing he likes guys, I just… I’m sorry, I felt sort of protective.”

“He’s the one that walked me back after Patrick cornered me in the bathroom,” Eddie said softly. “I don’t think you have to worry about him, Richie.”

“No, I guess not,” Richie smiled sheepishly. “I’m sorry I’m an asshole. I’ll try not to be like that.”

“You better not,” Eddie smirked, leaning in to kiss Richie on the cheek. “Jealousy is unbecoming of you, Mr. Tozier.”

“My dear, you just scatter my wee brain,” Richie gushed in some grotesquely cheesy British accent. “If I loved you less, I might be able to talk about it more, much more eloquently.”

“Did you - did you just quote Jane Austen,” Eddie giggled as Richie pulled him into his lap and started kissing his neck.

“Fem Lit has some great reads,” Richie chuckled, slipping his hands under Eddie’s shirt and tickling Eddie’s ribs. “Helps me woo the cute little doe-eyed men.”

“Rich, _that tickles,"_ Eddie squealed, but couldn’t help but let Richie toss him onto the bed. 

“Shhh, Stan won’t appreciate us being loud,” Richie whispered, kissing Eddie gently on the lips where he hovered over him, much like they had been in the afternoon. “You want to get ready for bed?”

“I suppose,” Eddie huffed, still coming down from his giggles. “Hey, Richie?”

“Yes, little love?”

“Promise you’ll say goodbye to me before you go to class? I don’t want to wake up alone.”

Richie smiled, kissing Eddie again softly on the nose. “I’d have you wake up with me every morning if I could.”

A wide grin spread across Eddie’s face, a genuine spark of hope and excitement filling him at the prospect of a life _like that._ “I’d love that.”


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> feeling less icky today and finally finished something today.  
> i've been writing a lot without finishing lately, but I hope it'll be worth it if I can just... nut like 10 things out before New Years.
> 
> I hope people are still engaged with this story, I'm thinking from my outline it'll be about 25 chapters but not set in stone yet! Leave comments or questions if you desire, I am always a slut for attention <3

Most mornings, Eddie would awaken with a jolt, jump out of his bed and slam the button on his annoying alarm clock. However, he found himself waking up on Tuesday morning very gradually, his eyes fluttering open to the dim light of the room as something tickled his neck. After a moment of dazed confusion, Eddie giggled, realizing it was Richie kissing the back of his neck from where he was spooning him.

“Too early,” Eddie grumbled sleepily, pathetically pretending to wiggle away from Richie’s grip and only snuggling closer.

“Time to go to class, sleepy head,” Richie whispered, his breath tickling Eddie’s ear and making him squirm. “Shh, Stan will get grumpy.”

“Stan has class,” Eddie sighed. He felt Richie lift his head to look over Eddie and chuckle against Eddie’s back.

“Well, look at that. We have the place to ourselves. Guess you can be as loud as you want.”

“Uh uh. I’m not doing a damn thing for another hour.”

“You have class soon, sweetheart.”

“Not for over an hour after you leave.”

There was a pause as Richie sighed. “I didn’t go to class. Yours starts in a half hour.”

Eddie’s eyes shot open, suddenly feeling very awake. “You overslept?”

“Not exactly…”

Eddie turned over, Richie loosening his grip just enough to allow Eddie to twist his body around in Richie’s arms to look at him. He wasn’t used to seeing Richie’s eyes without the thick frames of his glasses; the bright blue stared right back at Eddie sheepishly. 

“Are you feeling ok, Rich?”

Richie’s fingers started drumming where they rested on Eddie’s waist. “Just wasn’t feeling like going to class today.”

“Kind of a waste of a sleepover, isn’t it? You don’t have any more classes today.”

“Definitely not a waste,” Richie murmured, pulling Eddie closer to him under the covers. 

“I don’t want you missing classes because of me, Rich,” Eddie mumbled, though part of him was secretly happy Richie would be with him until he went to his own class. Which, if he was being honest with himself, he wouldn’t mind missing, too…

“Promise you’re not mad?” Richie asked quietly. 

“Why… would I be mad? I mean, I don’t want you missing classes for nothing, but I’m not _mad_ about it.”

Eddie scooted closer and angled his hips so he could wrap a leg around Richie’s waist. An excited jolt went straight through him when he felt his morning wood rub against Richie’s thigh. The feeling wiped his brain of thought, forgetting what they were talking about altogether and leaning forward to kiss Richie. He didn’t mind the morning breath all too much and just relished in how _warm_ Richie’s body was, like the sun itself was wrapping around Eddie’s slender body. The sweat between them should probably gross Eddie out, but the second Richie shifted his hips _just so_ and he could feel Richie’s cock against his own --

_Fuck._

Richie’s lips parted as he moaned into Eddie’s mouth and that, _that_ was a sound Eddie doesn’t think he’ll ever get used to. If he could somehow trap that sound in a little jar and carry it around with him, he would. Because growing up and listening to Richie do all of his Voices and impersonations, Eddie never expected to hear _that,_ and it was becoming his favorite.

Eddie can’t help but giggle as a silly thought intrudes him, that he’s starting to hump Richie’s leg _like a dog_ again, but now it’s fun and not so mortifying because of how into it they both are. Richie didn’t seem to mind, simply smiling into the kiss with Eddie before they picked up their pace and were grinding their bodies together faster. The best part is that it’s _safe,_ because Eddie can’t stop _those_ thoughts from itching in the back of his mind, but they won’t have to wait for their tests tomorrow to do things like this.

It felt like ages before Richie’s hand cupped Eddie’s ass to pull him impossibly closer, and Eddie let out a whine and kissed Richie harder, licking into Richie’s mouth hungrily. It’s probably not a good kiss -- Eddie isn’t quite practiced enough -- but Richie doesn’t ease in enthusiasm. The intense heat between them is making Eddie start to sweat more, but he doesn’t care. Eddie fought off the whispering disgust about coming with his pants on, just letting his body take over and let Richie slide his hands around on his skin under his clothes. 

Eddie almost wanted to protest when he felt Richie pull away, until he felt Richie breath against his lips, “You wanna use me to come again?” As he said it, he shifted his hips just so, rubbing his thigh more firmly against Eddie’s cock and eliciting a whine from Eddie’s throat. 

Absent of any insecurities now, Eddie took Richie’s invitation and let himself desperately fuck his hips into Richie, chasing the electric feeling building in his body. As best as he could, Eddie tried to angle his own legs so that he could help Richie grind against him back. When Eddie dared to bite down on Richie’s bottom lip, a low growl escaped him and he grabbed Eddie’s waist firmly, pushing Eddie’s back onto the bed. 

Feeling Richie’s body hover over Eddie, making him feel warm and safe in all the right ways, brought Eddie just close enough so that when he reached back and grabbed Richie’s ass and pulled him snug into the space between Eddie’s legs, Eddie had the most carefree orgasm he thinks he’s had in his life. It was all under Richie’s gaze, but Eddie didn’t even feel the need to shy away from it. His body shuddered under where Richie was still humping him, and Richie leaned down and smiled against Eddie’s skin like it just made his whole fucking day to see such a thing.

Eddie didn’t slow down, and he reached down to cup Richie so he can still fuck into the palm of Eddie’s hand against his boxers, taking some of the friction away from Eddie’s now sensitive dick. Richie lifted himself up just enough to look down at Eddie again and when they looked at each other while Richie did this, it was so intense that Eddie wasn’t sure how he didn’t get hard again from it. Richie’s thumb grazed Eddie’s cheek while he stared down at Eddie, absolutely enamored, until he tensed up and Eddie could feel the wetness against his hand where Richie came.

It’s incredibly intimate for such a small thing, looking into each other’s eyes in a vulnerable little moment of orgasm. Eddie realized it was the first time he really looked at Richie during and for some reason his heart fluttered in his chest just at the thought again. He’s pretty glad he’s already probably flushed or else he’d be blushing, especially while looking up at Richie’s thick lashes, his gently curved lips, his never ending jawline… 

“You’re so hot,” Eddie blurted out, finally breaking the silence. 

He felt the vibrations of Richie’s laughter before Richie’s face lit up and he chuckled down at Eddie, leaning down to kiss him on the forehead. “You’re so fucking cute. You’re also late for class.”

“Don’t make me,” Eddie whined pathetically, wrapping all of his limbs around Richie like an octopus. Richie immediately dead-weighted on him and Eddie nearly suffocated as the wind was knocked out of him. _“Ok, ok get off.”_

Richie chuckled again, rolling off of Eddie and gracefully sliding off the side of the bed. He picked up Eddie’s clock and tsk’d. “Don’t have much time. Better shake a leg, sugar.”

Eddie groaned but complied, lazily rolling off of the bed and stumbling slightly; the beds were raised pretty high and Eddie always had to _hop_ into it and frequently fell off. After cleaning the inside of his boxer shorts, Richie put on his jeans from yesterday and his boots and waited for Eddie to brush his teeth and fail to tame his quiff in Stan’s mirror. 

“I need a haircut so bad,” Eddie mumbled, shoving his beanie back on his head. “I can’t wear this thing into the summer.”

“Why not? It’s all the rage with the cool kids. Beanies, baja hoodies, and hackysacks.”

“Why do I feel like that look would somehow suit you?”

“Should I grow my shag back out and try it?”

“Whatever floats your boat.” Eddie couldn’t help but giggle at the image of Richie in his mind basically looking like Shaggy from Scooby-Doo.

They both put their coats on, but Eddie stopped when he saw Richie was leaving his car keys on top of Eddie’s dresser.

“You coming to class with me?”

“Oh,” Richie said, looking a little sheepish. “Yeah, if… if that’s ok?”

“You missed your class, but you’ll come to mine?” Eddie laughed, shaking his head while they went outside.

“It’s getting kind of addictive being in your company, to be honest,” Richie said quietly. “It’s like we’re twelve again, but a hundred times better because I can touch your dick.”

Eddie choked on his spit, swatting Richie in the chest before looking up and down the hallways. “Richie, beep beep!”

They both froze and stared at each other for a moment before both erupting with hysterical laughter. 

“Holy _fuck,_ I forgot about that shit,” Richie exclaimed. “You and Bill always used to say that to shut me up.”

“It rarely worked,” Eddie grinned. “I won’t be surprised if it's just as useless now.”

“Well, now there are other ways you can keep my mouth occupied,” Richie winked, kissing Eddie on top of his head. 

Walking with Richie was so wonderfully distracting from all of Eddie’s anxieties that he actually enjoyed it. It was quite a beautiful campus, but Eddie had not taken much time lately to appreciate that. The trees were still dead and the grass was kind of sickly looking from the winter chill, but the buildings all had their charm. As they walked up to the quad where Eddie’s class was, he couldn’t help but wonder how Richie would fare in Manhattan if Eddie were to ever go back to New York.

It certainly wouldn’t be a bad place to live if Richie wanted to do stand-up.

Richie managed to stay quiet during Eddie’s lecture, which he later said was on account of it “actually being interesting.” Having Richie by his side going back to his dorm and getting lunch with him felt like an undeserving treat and Eddie was finally starting to get anxious once they were back up to his room. 

He had his pills though; he popped one in when he thought Richie wouldn’t notice.

A calm euphoria finally settled over Eddie as he and Richie relaxed on Eddie’s bed, chatting and joking while they worked on various assignments. At one point, he looked up and smiled sleepily over at Richie and felt a deep aching, wishing Richie could stay.

“I wish we lived together,” Eddie heard himself say; almost like it was involuntary. A deeper part of him probably wanted to be embarrassed, but Richie only smiled back up at him.

“I told you that you can come live with me after the semester. Or we can get our own place over the summer. I wasn’t just saying that, Eds.”

“You don’t think it’s too soon?”

“Too s-- Eddie, we’ve known each other for like… what, almost twenty years? Almost our whole lives! The hell would we wait for?”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” Eddie nodded. The room was too stuffy. His limbs felt like noodles.

“You ok?”

Eddie blinked. “Huh?”

Richie shrugged. “You just look kind of out of it.”

“M’fine,” Eddie assured him, smiling lazily again. He reached his arms up and stretched them out towards Richie. “C’mere.”

Richie trilled his lips. “I dunno, Eds, I’ve got all this homework and… oh, look at that, I’m done.”

Eddie giggled as Richie slammed his textbook shut and threw himself over to the other side of the bed, curling up next to Eddie. Even with Richie’s head up to the top of the mattress, Richie’s feet were in danger of dangling off the end, so with his head resting on Eddie’s chest, he had to curl his legs up in the fetal position around Eddie’s body.

Eddie didn’t want to go to his business class. It was small and his professor didn’t let other students in the classroom if they weren’t on his roster. That meant that Richie wouldn’t be able to stay with him and Eddie would be going to class alone.

In the same building as Patrick.

As if reading Eddie’s thoughts, Richie lifted his head up to look at him, eyebrows knit together in concern. “You want me to come to your class tonight?”

“I told you that you can’t,” Eddie sighed.

“I can wait outside,” Richie said quietly. “See you on your break. Bring you a snack.”

“You don’t have to do that, Richie.” Eddie also thought about how Mike would be in the same building as well, but he wasn’t sure how Richie would react if he said it.

“Well, I want to,” Richie said firmly. “I just… I don’t want you to feel unsafe. I can’t even imagine what that would feel like.”

“Like being hunted,” Eddie muttered. Again, he didn’t really mean to say it; it just kind of slipped out. “There’s only like twelve classes left, though. That’s the one nice thing about the once-a-week classes.”

“I’m going to go,” Richie said decisively. “It’ll be fun. I’ll catch up on my homework and hang out at those little tables by the vending machines.”

“When are you going to go home?”

“I’ll just call my parents and let them know I’m staying the night again. I’ll hang out in the library when you go to class.”

“Ok, but please shower,” Eddie said. “I don’t want you to start smelling funky.”

“Deal,” Richie grinned, leaning up to kiss him. “I’ll shower now so I won’t have to worry later, ok?”

“Ok,” Eddie replied, sinking down further into his pillow as Richie got up. He watched Richie take a towel and borrow Eddie’s shower caddy to take into the bathrooms with him. Eddie sighed and snuggled into his pillow more, letting his school book slip off of his chest and onto the bed. His chest feels kind of warm and it’s nice. 

Eddie still feels good in Richie’s presence but now that he’s thinking about it, he’s _anticipating_ his anticipation going to class. Once Richie left the room, Eddie got up and grabbed the pill bottle Patty gave him, sticking some pills in his jeans for later. 

*******

It was strange when Richie hugged Eddie goodbye only to plop down on the bench in the hallway where Eddie’s classroom was. He had his backpack full of school work to busy himself with, but Eddie couldn’t help but feel like he had a bodyguard outside the door. Barely able to concentrate in class, his mind kept wandering back to Richie and hoping he wasn’t going to get sick of hanging out with Eddie all day. 

Now that he wasn’t _with_ Richie, physically, Eddie’s mind kept being interrupted by those insane thoughts that something was wrong with him. So, maybe having Richie around while Eddie was still processing shit was a good thing. Richie was far more than just a distraction, but was already actively helping Eddie getting through the shit that happened to him. Occasionally having upsetting thoughts because Richie made him come in his pants this morning was probably worth it in the long run. Plus, he didn’t panic in the moment like he had last week, so at least there was already some progress.

When the class dispersed for their ten minute break, Eddie found Richie still sitting on the bench, though he had a small pile of snacks collected from the vending machines. There were still too many people around for Eddie to feel comfortable kissing Richie out here, but he seemed content with a bright smile from Eddie when he sat at his side.

“Please tell me your normal diet is more substantial than Poptarts, Richie.”

“Hey, it’s got fruit in it,” Richie shrugged.

“There’s no way this is anything more than sugar that is vaguely flavored like fruit.”

Richie grinned wickedly at him and leaned forward so he could whisper, “I could say the same about you, hot stuff.”

Eddie felt himself blush down to his chest, torn between wanting Richie to clarify _what the fuck tastes like fruit!?_ and tell him to never say that to him again. However, a familiar face popped into Eddie’s peripherals and Eddie looked up to see Mike walking by them, likely heading back to his class.

“Hey, Mike!” Eddie said cheerfully. Richie doesn’t react like he did last night, but instead he smiled up at Mike brightly. 

“Hey, Eddie!” Mike smiled brightly, pausing in his steps. “Richie, right?”

“Yessir,” Richie said, giving Mike a two-finger salute.

“Sorry about last night,” Eddie said. _Oh no._

“Did something happen last night?” Mike asked.

It’s then that Eddie can feel Richie’s fingers twitch where they’re rested on his shoulder, and he _knew_ he should stop talking, but for some reason he can’t stop himself from word vomit. “Well, you know, just… meeting us in the room like that. Making out. Must be weird after that party you guys went to.”

_Shut up Eddie. Shut up Eddie. Shut up Eddie._

“No, I wouldn’t say weird,” Mike chuckled awkwardly. “It probably would be if you guys didn’t stop, I guess. What -- what party are you talking about?”

Richie had just opened his mouth to say something, something that would probably throw Eddie out of this stupid hole he was digging, but Eddie spoke first. “The Halloween party you guys hooked up at.”

Whatever Richie _was_ going to say died in his throat as he made a strangled noise. Mike just looked confused.

“Oh, Eddie, you must have misinterpreted,” Mike said. “We didn’t -- I didn’t mean to imply anything like that. I’m sorry if it came off that way.”

“S’fine, Mike,” Richie mumbled, waving his hand absently.

“Besides, Richie got trashed pretty quickly,” Mike continued. “I wouldn’t -- you know -- hook up with anyone drunk like that. Nothing for you to be worried about, Eddie.”

Mike explained it casually enough; he wanted to justify why Eddie shouldn’t be jealous or anxious around Mike while he was dating Richie. Nothing was wrong with that, inherently. But if he _was_ telling the truth, that meant Richie remembered that night wrong.

Mike said Richie was _trashed._ Richie initially couldn’t remember who he hooked up with because he had been drunk. For some reason, though, Richie thought it had been Mike by association, since they had been at that party together. Knowing that it was at the _same house,_ Eddie began feeling anxiety bubble up in his chest again.

“You should both get to class,” Richie said, interrupting Eddie’s thoughts as he finally shut up, lost in his paranoia.

“Touche,” Mike sighed. “Again, sorry about the confusion Eddie! Tell, uh, tell Stan I’ll see him Saturday. You both have a good night!”

“Night, Mikey,” Richie called back, waving as Mike started walking away again. Once he was out of earshot, “Geez, Eds, you don’t have to bring up dirty laundry like that.”

“I’m -- I’m sorry,” Eddie stammered out. His palms were starting to sweat. “Rich, who else was at that party with you?”

“Huh?” Richie asked, frowning. “The Halloween party?”

“You didn’t hook up with Mike,” Eddie continued, voice starting to shake.

“He was just as drunk as I was,” Richie shrugged. “Probably forgot, I guess.”

“But you remember?”

Richie let out a long sigh, leaning back on the bench. “I mean, _barely._ But I was hanging out with him all night and I told him to meet me in the bedroom after I took a smoke break. Then I probably had way too many hits, cause that shit got me fucked up.”

“So it could’ve been anybody,” Eddie said quietly. “If -- if you were that _fucked up,_ anyone could’ve taken advantage of that.”

“Eddie, that’s not -- that’s not what happened,” Richie said firmly, some heat behind his voice. 

“But you don’t _know_ that, Richie. What if someone -- what if someone -- ”

“Eddie, stop!” Richie snapped, making Eddie jump. “Just because it happened to you, doesn’t mean that’s always the case! I don’t want to have to fucking worry about that shit!”

There was a heavy silence between them for a brief moment. Eddie could see the regret in Richie’s face, but he was so angry at Richie’s reaction, he didn’t want to wait for an apology.

“Well, I’m so fucking glad you don’t have to worry about _that shit,_ Richie. Must be really fucking nice.”

“Eddie, I didn’t -- ”

“I don’t care,” Eddie interrupted, getting up from the bench. “You can stew in whatever bullshit you wanna say to me while I’m in class worrying about _that shit,_ since I don’t have a fucking choice.”

The voice in the back of Eddie’s head was telling him not to get up, to just sit down and talk to Richie like a normal person and just explain why he was so scared. Ignoring it, he stomped back to his class and slumped down in his uncomfortable desk near the back of class. 

Eddie couldn’t concentrate. He tried to take one of the pills in his pockets, but it only made him stop shaking; his mind was still ruminating viciously. All he could think about was Richie now, and deep down Eddie realized how shitty it was of him to immediately get angry at Richie for his reaction. It wasn’t warranted, but neither were any of Eddie’s reactions when Patty had taken him home that night weeks ago. It wasn’t an easy thing to accept, but Eddie just kept _pushing_ it, like his paranoia had taken over and wanted so desperately for Richie to see himself as a victim of… _that shit._

Eddie probably could’ve brought the issue up more delicately. 

Professor Asshole didn’t let them out until it was 9:01, utilizing every damn second he could to give the class the most useless information possible. Eddie immediately sprung out of his chair, simultaneously shoving his notebooks in his backpack while he clumsily ran out of the classroom to look for Richie. He felt dizzy as he walked out into the hallway and looked around. Most of the classes had been let out already by teachers that didn’t _try_ to purposefully keep them for the entire three hour lecture. The hallway was empty except for Eddie’s classmates dispersing and going home.

Eddie sat at the bench Richie had been in before his class had started again, taking another pill out of his pocket and dryly swallowing it roughly. He placed a hand on his chest and tried to steady his breathing before he would have to use his damn inhaler again. As he sat there counting to ten and doing bullshit breathing exercises, he finally caught sight of Richie when someone opened the doors to go outside.

Immediately, Eddie got up and ran out to follow the other student out the door. Richie stood there, leaning against the brick of the building while he smoked a cigarette. Eddie wondered how long Richie had been craving one, since he hadn't smoked once the entire time Eddie had been with him yesterday or today.

“Does it help with the cold?” Eddie asked quietly. Richie froze and looked up at him, the cigarette just barely touching his lips. “Like, does smoking make you feel warmer when you’re outside in the cold?”

Richie blinked and took a drag of the cigarette, ashes gently blowing off the tip as a breeze brushed against it. “Actually, it makes me feel a lot colder. Wouldn’t be outside in the first place if I didn’t smoke. Can’t put my hand in my pocket, and I can’t wear a glove ‘cause I set one on fire once lighting a match.”

“Yeah, I guess you would do that. I’m sorry.”

The context for Eddie’s abrupt apology was absent, but Richie picked it up quickly enough. “You don’t have to be sorry, Eds. I was being an asshole.”

“You had a right to be; a little bit, anyway.”

Richie nodded, but his face was impossible to read, even where he stood under the bright light in the building’s entrance. "I skipped class today because I didn't want to see him. I didn't make the connection until your counselor mentioned Kabir's class -- that you had dropped it because he was in it. I don't know what I would've done if I saw him -- what I will do when I see him."

Eddie wasn’t sure what to say, what he _could_ say, if he even _had_ to say anything. Before Eddie could reach a conclusion, Richie finally spoke again.

“I don’t want to know,” Richie said in a quiet, hollow voice. “I don’t remember; it’s done; I don’t want to have to think about it anymore.”

Part of him still wanted to press the issue, for Richie to know what happened to him that night, even if it was just a silly fling with someone in the same position as Richie. But that wasn’t Eddie’s choice to make, just like it hadn’t been Patty’s or Richie’s for Eddie to tell his counselor. So instead, he just nodded and stepped closer, happy that Richie at least reciprocated his apologetic hug.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have a couple chapters for other works closed to being finished, a completed one-shot that will be going up soon, plus some other dabbles I've been working on, so I hope y'all can look forward to that! <3


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This may not be the fic y’all were hoping I updated, but this is my super self-projection fic and I love writing it to get through shit. I actually wrote this chapter in the three hours I spent in the freezing rain waiting for a tow truck in Bumblefuck. 
> 
> If I can’t update any other projects while I’m in Nowheresville or become eaten by the mountain Lion stalking my cabin, hope all you gentiles make the Yuletide gay this Christmas 🎄 ❤️

After calling the nurses office for the tenth time in two days, Eddie finally got the answer he had been waiting over a week for.

“Negative? Are you sure?”

“Positive. Nope, sorry, I meant positive that you’re negative!” She corrected after Eddie made a small yip. “We’d ask you to come back to the clinic, otherwise. But you have nothing to worry about. Just make sure you wear a condom next time, Mr. Kaspbrak.”

“Oh, uh, what if — what if h— if my partner also tests negative?”

She hummed for a moment before continuing carefully, “As long as you’re both monogamous, but always test between partners to be safe.”

Well, if that wasn’t enough for Eddie to start doing Snoopy dances. 

In the days since Eddie and Richie got their blood work together, Eddie had wasted nearly all of his brain power on panic and anticipation. Since Eddie usually operated on a diet of poor sleep and coffee, he relied on the pills Patty had given him a bit more than he had planned. The little bottle only had a couple left and Eddie realized he would need a plan B soon for his anxiety. But this good news released all of the stress that had been like a balloon inflating in his chest, tight and uncomfortably lodged under his ribs.

Despite the weight of waiting for his results, all of Eddie’s classes seemed to be going fairly well, all things considered. None of them were interrupted by unpleasant guests whom Eddie still had paranoia over seeing, and Mike had even started to walk him to and from his dorm for their night class. In fact, Mike had been around a  _ lot; _ pretty much any time Stan wasn’t with Patty or his classmates, he was hanging out with Mike. Eddie was always a fan of Mike being around; he brought a pleasant warmth with him that calmed Eddie’s nerves, like a gentle giant that radiated fire from his soul.

The schoolwork itself was keeping Eddie’s mind occupied enough that he never had to worry about his personal life while hammering away at any of his many math courses. He greatly missed his physics class with Kabir, but hopefully taking it over the summer with fewer students would be a relief. At least he still had five other classes to worry about and focus on. 

With the weekend coming up, Eddie had planned on spending it all with Richie up in Derry. All of his homework was near completion to prepare for a weekend of relaxation and time with his  _ boyfriend,  _ hoping to rekindle old memories and make some new ones. This phone call was a welcoming assurance that they were free to do whatever they wanted.

And once Eddie began to think about  _ that... _ the panic began to return.

In the four hours that passed after Eddie’s last Friday class ended while he was waiting for Richie to get out of his own, Eddie allowed his ruminating thoughts to take over. It was a sick cycle, trying to remind himself that Richie had never and  _ would _ never make Eddie do anything he was uncomfortable with. The test results weren’t going to give Richie permission to do what he wanted. After all, Richie had already thought Eddie was tested before. Richie constantly voiced his patience, but Eddie still felt…  _ guilty  _ over making Richie wait. It was bad enough Eddie had had mental breakdowns for the first half of their hookups. He was still worried that, even in the small time they had been physical, Richie would soon get sick of hand jobs and dry-humping. It was ridiculous to worry about. The only thing Richie had tried to push was for Eddie to see a therapist.

Eddie still had the information Dennis gave him, stuck up to the wall on the side of his bed with a thumbtack. It stayed there as a reminder to reach out, but all it seemed to do was make Eddie turnover and face Stan’s side of the room to sleep. 

Shortly after four, Richie and Stan had both returned from their communications class to find Eddie still packing his bag. Only Richie noticed how badly Eddie’s hands trembled completing the simple task of folding his socks.

“Will you be out all weekend?” Stanley asked casually as he threw his backpack onto his bed. 

“Yeah, hope you don’t mind me kidnapping him,” Richie replied for Eddie. Eddie felt him lean over and plant a gentle kiss on his temple before he whispered, “Everything ok, sweetheart?”

Little things like this — the warm, pleasant touches, the little terms of endearment — helped sedate the nervous energy threatening to escalate inside of Eddie. It wasn’t enough to suffocate it completely, but it helped him finally zip up his night bag and take a breath.

“I’ll be better once we leave,” Eddie said, though he’s not sure why that is. There’s nothing about the dorm that’s particularly stressful, but maybe he wants to leave so he doesn’t have a full-on panic attack in front of Stan.

Eddie was sure the goodbye he gave Stan when he left was borderline rude, but he can’t be bothered to think about it. He’s thankful that Richie waited until they got into the car to talk to him.

“Did something happen today?” Richie asked quietly, turning his car on and almost drowning his voice out with the sputtering noises his old Daewoo shuddered out.

“No,” Eddie groaned. That’s part of his problem, though; nothing  _ has _ to happen now for him to get upset. He just  _ is. _ All he has to do is  _ think.  _ “I got my results back from the blood test. All negative.” 

“Awesome!” Richie exclaimed, throwing his hand up for a high five. “We’re both clean!”

“Yeah,” Eddie muttered, casually slapping Richie’s hand with his own. 

“So what’s the problem?”

Eddie didn’t respond right away because he could already feel his eyes welling up. There was no  _ reason _ for him to start crying, for fucks sake, but just having to  _ think _ about being upset was making it worse. Richie was supposed to be a distraction, but now he was plucking out bits of Eddie that were uncomfortable and scary and Eddie didn’t want Richie to be the reason he addressed these things, even if he probably  _ should _ be. He didn’t want his new relationship with Richie to be formed with  _ trauma bonding. _

Then again, using Richie as nothing but a diversion wasn’t fair, either. Even as kids, Richie had his moments where he’d tone down the jokes and just  _ be there  _ for Eddie when he needed it. It was more prominent now, and he  _ loved _ Eddie. If this was going to be a relationship — which, admittedly, Eddie was both thrilled and terrified of, not having been prepared for something so intimate — they needed more than laughs and distractions. 

“I just need a minute,” Eddie finally got out. He leaned against the car door and kept his eyes down to avoid Richie’s gaze. “Is that ok?”

“Of course, Eds. You just want music, or you want me to talk?”

“You can talk,” Eddie sighed, relaxing a bit more in his seat as Richie began to drive off campus. “I haven’t seen you all week.”

Richie had switched all his work shifts around so he could spend the whole weekend with Eddie, but it came at the small price of not seeing each other. Five days wasn’t a long time by any means, but Eddie hadn’t realized how badly he was relying on Richie’s company until he went more than a couple days without him. Trying to find a balance between quality time and personal space was more challenging than Eddie thought it would be. Then again, he hadn’t expected to be so traumatized within his first weeks away from home. 

Normalcy didn’t seem possible. Eddie’s  _ normal _ was staying put in his mother’s house and cleaning up the house for her, heating up their plain TV dinners and listening to her complain about this and that while he finished his homework on the couch before going to bed. He hadn’t been given enough time for a new normal. He had a  _ routine _ of exploring his campus for just a couple of weeks before Patrick invited him to the party. Now it was always present, like a shadow stuck to the wall in a bright room, following wherever Eddie went. Eddie could make small adjustments and let it shrink, but it couldn’t go away completely. Worse still were the seeds of knowledge planted in Eddie’s mind still that it wouldn’t have happened if he had made better choices. Safer choices not blinded by his inability to listen to some of the actual good advice his mother had given him.

Eddie didn’t realize how much he was letting his thoughts get to him until they arrived at Richie’s house, when Richie carefully reached over and took Eddie’s chin in his hand. All of his muscles had been tensed up and Richie’s touch alerted him to relax and unclench his damn jaw.

“Why don’t you take a shower?” Richie suggested, scanning Eddie’s face. “You can drop your stuff in my room, get cozy, and we can just relax with the tv before dinner.”

“I thought you wanted to go out?” Eddie asked. “I don’t want to ruin any plans you had…”

“We have all weekend, Eddie my love,” Richie smiled, kissing him on the cheek. “All month, all year, doesn’t matter. I don’t want to go out if you’re stressed out. C’mon, let’s go inside. Mags and Went will both be out for a couple more hours. Maybe you can help me make us all dinner then?”

“I’m gonna set the whole house on fire,” Eddie muttered, making Richie chuckle. “I can barely make cereal without making a mess; you shouldn’t let me near the stove.”

“Well, I’ll just have to teach you better practices, won’t I, little love?” Richie smiled, planting a raspberry on Eddie’s cheek to make him giggle. 

The shower was definitely a small luxury, especially when Eddie didn’t have to worry about communal germs and his dorm-slippers in the bathroom. He was still associating the stalls with his first shower after the incident, watching his blood run down the drain and trying not to let his cries echo along the tile. Every shower for at least a week after the incident brought an unwelcome reminder of the night, visually or otherwise, and most others since were just rushed and uncomfortably paranoid, Eddie not wanting to dwell too long under the stream.

At least in here, he could shamelessly inhale the aroma of Richie’s shampoo, wishing he could carry such a thing with him in his pocket. Knowing that the Tozier’s were not returning for a bit, Eddie simply put on boxers and one of his sweaters, enjoying the way Richie’s face lit up seeing Eddie come into the living room.

“Hubba hubba, aren’t you just the sexiest thing on two legs?”

“You mean my two little chicken legs?” Eddie giggled bashfully, crawling onto the couch where Richie was sitting.

“Oh, cut that shit out,” Richie scoffed, helping Eddie settle his head onto his lap and stretch himself out along the cushions. “There will be no self-deprecating from anyone in this house but me. I’m putting my foot down on that.”

“Fine, but I’ll just bottle it all up for the dorms,” Eddie said, trying to bring levity, but thinking he just sounded pathetic now. He felt Richie sigh beneath him, one of his long arms reaching down to feel up Eddie’s sweater and rest on his abdomen. Eddie opened his mouth, but Richie cut him off.

“Don't you dare start! Let me rub your cute little belly without you slandering it.”

“It is not  _ cute,” _ Eddie pouted, but he couldn’t help feeling the corners of his mouth turning up as the warmth from Richie’s hand almost settled his nerves like a balm. The simplicity of the moment was easing Eddie into relaxation, allowing himself to enjoy Richie’s light touches and turn his head delicately towards whatever movie Richie had put on… even if all he could really focus on was how Richie’s fingertips pleasantly tickled him just ever so slightly under his sweater. 

“Oh shit,” Richie said suddenly, jerking his body around to look for the remote. “I can change this…”

“Why do you — ” Eddie started to ask, but froze once he realized what kind of  _ scene  _ was happening in the film. The queasiness and discomfort that Eddie had been getting used to didn’t accompany his realization, so he relaxed his head back on Richie’s lap. “It’s ok. Leave it.”

“Are you sure?” Richie asked, looking down at him with concern.

“Yeah, it’s just a couple minutes,” Eddie said. “Can’t hide from this kind of stuff forever.”

Eddie wasn’t trying to sound like he was putting on a brave face or anything. In fact, a curiosity was taking over any panic that he’d normally be feeling. Because he was not only  _ not  _ panicking, but his stomach started to feel fluttery and hot. 

Before he even realized what he was doing, Eddie carefully took Richie’s hand that was lying on his stomach and slowly began to move it towards his thigh. Richie let Eddie do it easily, looking down at Eddie curiously while his eyes darted between Eddie’s face and the very obvious hard-on Eddie was getting. Instead of bringing Richie’s hand up to his cock, Eddie slowly pulled it back up his inner thigh and let Richie’s fingers linger once they were hidden under Eddie’s boxers between his cheeks.

“Hold on,” Richie whispered hoarsely, his voice low. 

Eddie felt a pang of embarrassment when Richie pulled his hand away, but this was quickly replaced by confusion when Richie placed his fingers on Eddie’s bottom lip. 

“Open up and suck on them a little.”

“Your fingers?” Eddie asked, staring up at Richie, who nodded gently. So Eddie parted his lips and let Richie slide his fingers in until they rested against his tongue. It was probably something that would’ve grossed Eddie out, but they tasted like soap, something  _ clean  _ and unthreatening. When Richie pressed his fingers down, Eddie hollowed his cheeks and sucked until he felt Richie’s fingers tight between his tongue and the roof of his mouth. Richie’s hips twitched from beneath Eddie’s head and he could hear a soft groan coming deep from Richie’s chest. He couldn’t help but moan around Richie’s fingers, which elicited a soft,  _ “fuck”  _ from Richie’s lips. 

“Get ‘em nice and wet,” Richie instructed, his voice slightly strained but firm enough that it sent another flutter through Eddie’s body. The light demand of his tone spurred Eddie on to lick up the space between Richie’s fingers, letting Richie move them in and out of his mouth and gently graze Eddie’s teeth. On instinct, Eddie reached down to cup his own dick and the sensation of his hand stroking it through his underwear with Richie practically fucking Eddie’s mouth with his fingers made Eddie’s eyes roll back and flutter shut.

Richie’s other hand pet through Eddie’s hair and reached around to cup the side of Eddie’s face from the opposite side of his body, gently prying his chin down and opening Eddie’s mouth to release his drool-soaked fingers. He left the one hand resting against Eddie’s cheek, stroking it with his thumb and watching Eddie carefully as he reached down between Eddie’s legs with the other.

Eddie wanted to shout and tell Richie to just  _ do it  _ but his voice seemed to be lost in a void, only able to nod fervently up at those blue eyes staring down at him. To make it easier, Eddie shifted his hips up, pulling his legs up towards his chest slightly, letting his right leg rest up against the back of the couch with his knee tucked on Richie’s ribs. His body felt surprisingly fluid and lithe and he didn’t even flinch when Richie’s fingers delicately began to rub against his hole; instead he let out a shaky sigh, his throat opening up to let out louder moans.

“That feel ok, baby?” Richie asked softly, earning a nod from Eddie. “I’ll be gentle, ok? Just stay relaxed.”

Only another soft moan was able to escape past Eddie’s lips; his skin was tingling and his insides were anticipating feeling Richie there as his cock ached under his palm still cupping himself. Eddie gave it a small squeeze and involuntarily thrust his hips up, forcing one of Richie’s fingers to slip in his hole prematurely. 

“Shhh, take it easy,” Richie cooed, holding his hand still for a second before slowly moving it in and out.

Not only was it not hurting, but all of Eddie’s nerves were on fire everywhere Richie was touching, craving more and more of it. The hand that wasn’t on his own dick lifted up to touch Richie’s face, trying to convey how  _ good  _ it felt while he was somehow lost in this inability to speak. The tender smile Richie gave him in return with the simultaneous quickened pace of his fingers sent a rush of heat straight to Eddie’s belly. He was doing his best to  _ beg  _ for more by just looking up pleadingly at Richie while his fingers twitched against Richie’s stubbled jawline, rough on Eddie’s soft skin. 

Richie bit his bottom lip in concentration and eased a second finger in, making Eddie whimper and buck his hips up again. There was a pleasurable stretch and Eddie felt Richie’s fingers move in deeper and curl up. When Eddie felt Richie’s fingers press against something along his muscles he let out a cry and arched his back up, the sensation rolling through his body like a pleasurable wave — over and over again while Richie rubbed into it with a satisfied smile on his face. 

“That’s it, baby. I gotcha Eds. Don’t hold back. Come for me.”

Eddie didn’t understand exactly what that meant until he relaxed his muscles and sank into the feeling and let it drown his whole body in an electrical delight, suddenly exploding all the way through to the tips of his fingers and toes and his spine. Richie was watching him as his brain hummed pleasurably, clenching around Richie’s fingers as he spilled into his boxer shorts and wet the fabric his hand was still gripping for dear life. It was both familiar and strange, his orgasm coming from deeper within him than he’d ever felt before, rolling through him with big waves instead of just a single jolt. Nothing else existed in this moment except this feeling and knowing Richie was putting it there. He was only vaguely aware of how much noise he made and it wasn’t really until that feeling came down and he was left there panting with Richie still grinning down at him. 

“I had no idea you could reach octaves that high,” Richie chuckled playfully, his voice still low and raspy. 

Eddie mumbled for him to shut up, but it just came out as grumbling nonsense. His throat hurt and his chest was still heaving slightly. 

“Here, let me get you cleaned up,” said Richie, helping Eddie pathetically lift himself off of Richie’s lap and flop back onto the couch.

It felt so strangely uncomfortable in Richie’s brief absence. All the fuzzy pleasantness that had been tingling his skin and mind were fizzling out into a dull ache in his chest. That feeling of wanting to cry again came abruptly, warm tears already welling up in Eddie’s eyes when Richie came back with a towel.

“I’m sorry,” Eddie said immediately, making himself sit up awkwardly in his own mess, sticky in his boxers.

“Hey don’t be sorry,” Richie murmured, placing a warm wet cloth in front of him. “You want to wash up?”

Eddie nodded, taking it from Richie’s hand and looking down at himself sheepishly to avoid Richie’s gaze. He hiccuped while trying to suppress another crying fit and the sound must’ve spurred Richie to reach forward and cup Eddie’s cheek, forcing his face up to look at him. Of all the things going through Eddie’s mind and as embarrassed as he was, Eddie found strength to speak looking in Richie’s eyes.

“Why did I like that?” he croaked. 

The way Richie’s eyebrows raised and made his glasses slip down the bridge of his nose would’ve been comical under any other circumstance. He pushed them back up with his finger and ran his hand through Eddie’s hair. “Eds, it’s totally normal. Why do you think some guys bottom? Not hard to enjoy it when you’ve got a fun-button up there,” he laughed awkwardly. 

“I’ve got a  _ what?” _

“You know, your — prostate. That’s what that is.”

“My prostate makes me cum?” Eddie asked incredulously. None of his doctors had told him  _ that  _ before.

“Yeah, wild, huh,” Richie said, smiling kindly down at him. “Pretty homophobic to leave that out of our Derry sex education.”

“Queens wasn’t much better,” Eddie told him. He leaned into Richie’s touch, letting the wet cloth drop to the floor and trying to take in what Richie was saying. “I mean I guess that makes sense… it would suck to have sex and not enjoy it at all.”

“I wouldn’t let that happen, anyway. I want you blowing noise makers and tossing confetti with excitement if we’re gonna do anything.”

“Except now I’m crying,” Eddie mumbled. “Again. Back at square one.”

“Only because this is all new, Eds, and… you know, probably making you think of other things. There’s no reason to feel guilty over enjoying yourself though, ok?”

“I’m trying,” Eddie said softly. 

“That’s all you can do.” Richie leaned forward, taking Eddie’s face in both of his large hands and kissed him softly on the forehead. Eddie couldn’t help but fall forward and nestle his face into the crook of Richie’s neck to help himself calm down more to prep himself for his next question.

“Rich?”

“Yes, Eds?”

“Why did… watching that movie get me off? Like, that… can’t be normal…”

There was a beat of silence that passed before Richie spoke carefully, “I dunno, Eddie, but… try not to think too much into it. Movies aren’t real, you know? It’s probably no different than watching role play porn.”

“But why  _ that?  _ Like I shouldn’t… Is it because of what happened? I mean that’s the first time I’ve ever  _ done  _ anything with a guy and now my brain is all fucked up — ”

“Heyheyheyhey,” Richie hushed quickly as Eddie was beginning to take short, panicky breaths. He squeezed his arms around Eddie tightly to stop his trembling. “You’re not fucked up, Eddie, I promise. What matters is that you’re not getting hurt and you just tell me what’s going on in your head. The movie, just… I don’t know, they make those scenes to be entertaining. You know it’s not real. The real stuff isn’t what’s getting you turned on, right? You always get upset talking about it.”

“I guess so…” Eddie knew Richie had no more of a clue than he did, but he was trying. He just wanted Eddie to feel good and Eddie was  _ trying.  _

“Hey, I have an idea,” Richie said, gently pulling Eddie away so he could look down at him. “Why don’t we look through my mom's old cookbooks and try to make a disaster in the kitchen? We can make a dessert to set out after dinner. Get you in a cute little apron and licking the batter off the spoons like when we were little.”

“Yeah, except now you’re gonna be thinking about me licking your dick,” said Eddie, attempting to smile.

“Eddie, I was  _ always _ thinking about that. Be serious.”

“Whatever, Dick,” Eddie chuckled, finally wiping his face with his sleeves. The ends of them were starting to get holes in them and Eddie wondered if it was just because it was the old, thrift store fabric or if he had cried so much he was wearing the sleeves down. “That sounds like fun, though. Can we make chocolate chip cookies? I miss having them fresh.”

“Absolutely, my love,” Richie beamed, kissing him on the nose. “Anything for you.”


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> welcome back<3 sorry I've had this fic and many others in hiatus. I've been in a weird mood where I've been "possessed" by some other ideas and needed to finish them up. lots of WIP's on the way still.
> 
> pls be advised of any tw/cw (spoiler warnings): an attempted sexual assault occurs and some aftermath and panic. mentions of sexual content and much of the other themes of this fic.

*******

Eddie should have seen this coming.

In all his paranoia over the last few weeks, he had somehow slipped into a state of denial and calm with almost dire consequences.

Days were going by steadily. Eddie was finding a balance in his school work and seeing Richie when he could. He was admittedly terrified of trying _that_ again so soon, what they had done on the couch in Richie’s living room. In fact, he was a little bit scared to do _anything_ right away after, but Richie always welcomed Eddie with unassuming intentions. While he still made a show of not being able to keep his hands to himself, it was all cuddles and hand holding and petting through Eddie’s hair when they got a moment to relax. 

Once his nerves settled again by the next weekend, Eddie picked up his courage and straddled Richie in the driver’s seat of Richie’s car, grinding their hips together until Eddie found himself begging for Richie to touch him. It was incredibly awkward, but somehow managed to get into a position where Richie flattened his seat down, gripping Eddie’s thighs like a vice while Eddie basically fucked Richie’s face trying not to fall over into the back of the car, head bent awkwardly against the roof. 

“Like high school all over again,” Richie chuckled, lighting a cigarette after Eddie had gotten his pants back up in the passenger seat. 

_“That_ is what high school was like for you?”

“Hmm, well not quite. But I did finger bang Kathy Cohen in here after seeing The Flintstones at the Aladdin.”

“Oh my _god,”_ Eddie groaned, grimacing at Richie in disgust as he just laughed the smoke out of his nostrils. “What about The Flintstones possibly got you horny? And Jesus, do not ever call it _finger banging_ that’s just so unsexy.”

“What did you call it after I did it to you?” Richie asked with a grin.

Eddie felt himself blush, but just scowled over at him. “I didn’t _call_ it anything; I didn’t go around telling people.”

“What did you call it in your head?”

“I called it ‘Richie had his fingers in my ass,’ I don’t fucking know,” Eddie huffed as Richie startled cackling. 

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to embarrass you, love,” Richie told him, leaning over to kiss Eddie on the cheek. “There’s nothing to be embarrassed about, though. I promise.”

“I’m sorry we haven’t done anything like that again,” Eddie mumbled.

“Yeah, it’s been killing me the entire, like, seven days,” Richie rolled his eyes. “Why are you sorry?”

“Because you like it, right? You know, fingering and stuff?”

“So? Eds, if you don’t wanna do something, I don’t wanna do it either.”

“I know, I know,” Eddie sighed. “I feel like I just owe you so much.”

“For what?”

“For… I don’t know. Putting up with me? All my panic and crying and being a cocktease.”

“That’s bullshit, Eddie,” Richie said, his voice much less pleasant. “Stop saying shit like that. I’m not _like_ that, and I don’t want you to keep thinking I am and I don’t want you to feel like you _should_ be doing anything. And don’t say you’re sorry!” he said just as Eddie opened his mouth. 

Eddie really wanted to believe Richie, but he couldn’t help but confirm his own fears just then, knowing Richie was getting annoyed by his pathetic, sad behavior. It had happened almost any time they fooled around. So without really clarifying, Eddie kissed Richie and tried his best not to get mopey after they would do anything.

With Maggie and Went out in Baltimore, Eddie tried using the opportunity to have his hands all over Richie the whole weekend. Sometimes he really couldn’t help it. Sometimes those _thoughts_ would come up again and Eddie would find himself crying a little bit into the crook of Richie’s neck. He wanted to slip away into that floaty headspace again, but he wasn’t sure how to do that without…

Well, when it had happened it was because they were watching something _vile_ on the television and he let Richie do to him what _they_ did, except… he liked it? Eddie knew at some point _ass stuff_ would come up, but he wasn’t quite expecting such a reaction. He had expected to do it _reluctantly,_ to just kind of _let_ Richie do it, the way Eddie assumed a relationship would be like. The way he had so often seen it portrayed in shows and movies, where a girl would just kind of give into it when a guy asked. Not only did he enjoy himself, not only did he want it and ask for it, he felt like he was back on morphine and wanted to get addicted to it.

Maybe it would help him get over what happened. But Eddie would need to take baby steps to ensure that, because if he dived in too quickly he’d end up a wreck, possibly back at square one. Especially once he realized watching a scene with a fake assault turned him on more than scared him (or maybe he was terrified that it turned him on so much). 

The weekend didn’t bring him quite the euphoric bliss he aimed for again. He enjoyed every moment with Richie, but Eddie was still getting sad sometimes after. Richie never seemed mad, so Eddie had to remind himself that, ok, maybe Richie really _didn’t_ get upset that Eddie would cry, and if he did it wasn’t because of Eddie. He was just as upset as Eddie that something had _happened_ to make Eddie this self-conscious and scared, but he didn’t always express himself right, so Eddie would take it too personally.

Once that started to manifest in Eddie’s head — that Richie was always going to make sure Eddie was ok, that he wasn’t impatient with Eddie, that he wasn’t mad that Eddie sometimes got sad after fooling around — relief came easier. There were things Eddie realized actually helped ease him into a good headspace for it, too.

For one, Eddie got medication this week. He told Richie it was from a doctor, but the pharmacy was just too much, so Eddie bought it cheaper from a kid in his Econ class. There weren’t exactly _instructions_ in the little baggy, but the pills were basically the same, so Eddie didn’t really see any harm in it. He took it when he wanted to and he thought it was working pretty well. They stopped him from spiraling and panicking and helped him sleep.

Most importantly, they stopped Eddie from freaking out about what was _really_ making it easier to fool around with Richie. The more they’d make out and touch each other, the more Eddie started to realize he liked it rougher. He never did quite reach that floaty feeling in his head again, but he could feel it getting close whenever Richie got more… _assertive._ It was hard to convey this to Richie with words, so Eddie would just try and paw at Richie aggressively until he got the hint and matched Eddie’s vigor.

It definitely would’ve freaked Eddie out if he hadn’t been taking those pills.

But now he was happy, genuinely happy and just _enjoying_ Richie and letting himself forget all of _those_ things from before. He’d see Mike sometimes and walk with Eddie to classes. Patty would come over to see him and Stan. Stan, too, was spending more time with Eddie between classes. All of this with a blanket of benzos kept his bad thoughts at bay.

So when the incident happened Wednesday morning, Eddie was ill-prepared.

Eddie’s classmate flashed him a little baggy of mixed pills that Eddie was now more or less familiar with. Eddie had forgotten that today was the day he was supposed to get more from him and had completely forgotten his cash in his dorm; the cash he was _supposed_ to be saving from his refund check, but he supposed was better spent from a cheap bag than for hundreds of dollars at the pharmacy.

“I completely forgot to bring my money today.”

“It’s ok, I gotchu man,” he said, winking at Eddie from his seat as he got up. He kept walking and Eddie naively followed him out of the classroom. 

When they got to the little space between the class buildings, Eddie had a mind to think that his classmate forgot Eddie was following him. Until he turned around and flashed Eddie a wide grin and pulled the bag of pills out again.

“You want the whole bag?”

“Oh, I mean… whatever you wanted to give me is fine. I can pay you next class.”

“You don’t have to pay me cash.”

“Really? Are you — are you sure?”

The classmate didn’t answer, but he pressed his fingertips into Eddie’s chest and slowly started pushing Eddie up against the wall behind him.

“I think you can have this whole thing if you’re willing to pay with that mouth of yours,” he said, stepping up until he was hovering right over Eddie, their bodies flush together as Eddie froze in panic.

“Nuh-no,” Eddie stammered pathetically. “I don’t —I don’t need them that badly. I can pay you next class and — you can keep them all until then.”

“I’m risking a lot carrying this thing around everywhere, asshole.”

“I’m — I’m sorry!” Eddie cried, trying to shimmy his way around this guy, but he just wouldn’t budge. “Please, I can’t do that.”

“Why the fuck not?” he huffed angrily, pressing his knee into Eddie’s groin. “My roommate said you were easy, but you won’t even offer when I’m doing you a huge favor?”

Eddie’s heart lunged straight out of his chest, eyes burning with tears of terror. “Your — your roommate?”

“Yeah,” the classmate laughed, thumbing Eddie’s chin. “He said he got to fuck you after you sucked Henry Bowers’ dick. You looked awfully eager, too…”

“I wasn’t — I wasn’t _eager,_ fuck you!” Eddie wheezed pathetically. “I didn’t — I didn’t ask — _please,_ just let me go.”

“Bullshit.”

Just as he fisted his hand in Eddie’s beanie to shove him down, Eddie used all the strength he could muster to throw him off. He staggered back with Eddie’s beanie in hand, Eddie shouting, “Put that thing anywhere near me, I’ll fucking bite it off!”

Eddie’s heart was hammering all the way back to his dorm, not even bothering to try going to his next class. By now, Eddie knew that this sort of thing should call for a pill, but he _can’t very well get them right now,_ can he? At least Richie will be in the dorm room, waiting for Eddie to meet him for lunch between their classes.

But Eddie couldn’t even make it a second after bursting through the door, dropping down to the floor sobbing. Something fell and startled him and he realized Richie had been doing homework on Eddie’s bed and tossed the textbook aside to kneel down in front of Eddie.

“Hey, baby, what happened?” Richie asked softly, immediately pulling Eddie into his lap.

Eddie reciprocated immediately, flinging his arms around Richie’s shoulders and crying into the crook of Richie’s neck. He couldn’t articulate anything right away. Not only was he _understandably_ upset, his body felt hot and flushed and uncomfortable. Strange as it was, Eddie felt like his clothes didn’t fit right, like everything itched and _crawled_ on his skin.

They were doing so well, going without Eddie’s turbulent _moods,_ and it was heartbreaking for this to just disrupt the happy little bubble that Eddie was building around them. He knew he should rip the bandaid, let it all out now, but Eddie wasn’t ready to bring it up again.

“It’s — it’s just a panic attack,” he finally managed to sob. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry, love,” Richie whispered, kissing Eddie’s temple. “You’ve been doing such a good job. Everything can feel like a lot, I know. Maybe we can give you some mental health time today.”

“You’ve got class.”

“I can take off. We can go see Mags; she has off today. You always love seeing her.”

“Rich…”

“Hey.” Richie gently pried Eddie’s face away from his chest, taking his face in both hands to look at him directly. “You deserve a little break.”

“Rich, we’re halfway to the weekend, and you’ve got three classes this afternoon—”

“It doesn’t matter. _This—”_ he gently tapped Eddie’s forehead. “—is more important. Gotta get those feel-good juices flowing. Panic attacks take a lot out of you, baby. We’re only halfway through the week. You should take it easy. I’ll call my mom downstairs, we can pick her up, and we can go somewhere nice. How does that sound?”

Eddie sniffled. He didn’t feel any better. If anything, he still felt sick, but a distraction would be good. “Ok.”

*******

The last place Eddie expected to be today was at the mall with Maggie. Not that he minded at all; it was just so surreal. Richie was even acting like a goofball and pulling gadgets from shelves in the electronics store, just like he used to do with toys when they were little kids. Except, when they were kids, Richie had never left Eddie _alone_ with Maggie before. He insisted he needed to go get something while Maggie requested Eddie’s help.

Odd, considering their reason for coming here in the first place. But Eddie loved Maggie and didn’t feel uncomfortable in her presence. 

“You and Nel are about the same size,” Maggie muttered thoughtfully, going through some clothes on a rack. “I was hoping maybe you can try some stuff on for me so I can send it down to him in Baltimore.”

“Who’s Nel?” 

“Oh — Well, last time you saw him he still went by… I don’t want to _say_ it, but it’s Richie’s little brother.”

“Brother?” Eddie asked, thoroughly confused. “You guys had another kid after Penny?”

“No, no,” Maggie hushed. “He doesn’t use that name anymore. Nel changed his name.”

“His — oh. Uh, ok,” Eddie stammered, still not _entirely_ sure what Maggie was talking about, but he had a faint idea from things he had heard his mother complain of. 

“I know it’s a different thing to get used to,” Maggie smiled, starting to pull things off of hangers. “But since he told us he was a boy and started changing things — his name, getting his chest surgery — he’s been _so_ much happier. He says he still likes boys though, so I guess I’m never going to get that daughter-in-law.”

“Oh… I’m sorry, Maggie…”

She looked up with a frown before realizing what she had said, her mouth going into a little ‘o.’ “Oh, sweetheart, I didn’t mean it like that,” she assured him, giving him an affectionate shoulder squeeze. “I promise. You make Richie _so_ happy and as long as my sons are happy, that’s all I care about. Besides, no one they’ve ever been friends with growing up has ever quite held a candle to you, Eddie,” she added as she smiled at him brightly. It made his cheeks burn.

“You don’t have to butter me up to get him outta the house, Mags, I’m already dating him.”

She actually snorted at that, smacking him playfully on the arm before returning her focus on the clothes. “Now, you’ll have to help me pick stuff out. You’ll know a lot more about _trends_ and these new styles people wear nowadays…”

“I’m afraid I don’t.”

“Well, then just pick out stuff you like and Nel can always send back whatever he doesn’t want.”

Despite never really going shopping in his life, Eddie had a lot of fun distracting himself with Maggie and trying clothes out. He hadn’t put much thought into his wardrobe before, since it had always either been purchased for him or picked out of a donation bin after he ran away. It surprised him a bit that he gravitated towards a mix of bright, colorful things. He had almost forgotten that he was supposed to be picking things out for someone else, but Maggie seemed very happy with everything they piled together. 

“God, these overalls are so cute,” Maggie gushed, taking a peek into the back after paying.

Eddie didn’t say anything, quietly trying to suppress whatever jealousy was eating him up. It would be nice to get some money some day to get his own things, things that _he_ wanted that weren’t hand-me-downs from a thrift store. His jealousy did not overcome his joy in seeing Maggie treat her sons, happy that Nel and Richie had such kind parents. Besides, the only real thing Eddie was missing right now was his beanie, which he had been using as a security blanket to hide most of his face and tame the disastrous mane that was becoming of his head without a haircut.

He didn’t like thinking about that right now. He didn’t want to think about the beanie or how he had lost it today. He didn’t want to think about the fact that someone besides Patrick and Henry saw that had happened to him. He didn’t wanna think about how his violation was not just kept as a souvenir for Patrick, but something to _show off._ He didn’t want to think about how many people on campus had seen _his face like that._

So he wouldn’t think about it at all. Even if it meant finding some other means to erase it from his brain while he didn’t have that many pills left.

Richie had a mystery bag from a store Eddie had never heard of, refusing to show Eddie the contents until they got back to the house. Not that Eddie minded; he supposed it wasn’t his business and didn’t bother Richie about it until they did get back and Maggie threw the pair of overalls at Eddie with a wide grin.

“Go try it on for Richie!” she said with delight.

“Uh…” was all Eddie could think to say. 

“Oh wait, over this,” Richie told Eddie, pulling out some kind of pink fabric from the bag he had been hiding.

“What… what is this?”

“Just go put it on,” Richie insisted, pushing Eddie towards the bathroom.

_This must be for Nel, too,_ Eddie thought, shrugging and taking the clothing from them both. Richie probably purchased something for his brother, too, and Eddie was a nice enough guinea pig to try these things on for a shared loved one. 

He put on the overalls again, this time over the pink cashmere sweater Richie purchased. It was a bit of a shame, trying them on. Eddie tried to remind himself that maybe he could have something this nice once he was able to save some money. He knows his mother wouldn’t have gotten him anything like this. While she allowed him to wear things quite childish and _fun,_ she certainly wouldn’t have allowed him out in something this… feminine? Soft? 

He definitely liked it, though. Incredibly soft on his skin, the blush color brought out the tint in his cheeks and contrasted with his dark hair and eyes. It was just… nice. Hopefully, Richie would be a good judge whether or not Nel would enjoy wearing it, too.

“Goodness gracious, great balls of _fire,”_ Richie huffed when Eddie came out, pretending to fan himself. 

“Richie.”

“It is a great misfortune I can’t cartoonishly roll my tongue out onto the floor, because I cannot _convey_ enough how much my heart is thump-thumping outta my chest.”

“Cut it out,” Eddie giggled, hiding his face in his hands. 

“You cut _that_ out,” Richie said, gently taking Eddie’s hands down. “Baby, you are _gorgeous.”_

“Shut _up,”_ Eddie mumbled, shoving his face into Richie’s chest to hide from Maggie, who is just smiling so brightly at him. “Just tell me if Nel will like it.”

“Nel? Who said anything about Nel?”

Eddie perked his head up, practically cracking his neck to look up at Richie so quickly. “You got this for Nel, didn’t you? That’s who the overalls are for.”

“Uhhhh.” Richie turned to his mother uncomfortably and Eddie looked over at her as realization slowly hit him.

“Maggie…”

“Richie’s been saying you needed some new clothes,” she said defensively. “I just thought it would be a nice surprise.”

“Maggie — Richie — _Richie!_ It’s _your_ birthday tomorrow!” Eddie groaned a bit angrily. “Why are you getting me things? You can’t be spending money like this, Rich—”

“I wanted to get you something,” Richie told him.

“Rich, why…”

“To celebrate!” Richie exclaimed, throwing his arms up as if it were obvious. “We’ve been back together for a month now. That’s cause for celebration.”

“That is something to celebrate,” Maggie agreed.

“Maggie, you bought me too much,” Eddie whined, looking over at her pleadingly. “You’ve got to take it back.”

“You can’t blame me for wanting to do something nice for my son’s boyfriend,” she smiled at him.

“You’re always too nice,” Eddie told her, dropping Richie’s hands and walking over to her. “Please, Maggie, this is too much.”

“It’s not as much as you deserve, Eddie,” she said so firmly it startled Eddie a little bit. “Please just let me do this for you. I haven’t nearly done enough.”

“You’ve done more than enough.”

But Maggie gently took Eddie’s face in her hands — a sincere, motherly affection — looking at him with an earnest, sorrowful expression Eddie didn’t like on her one bit. “Eddie… I can’t tell you how — how _sorry_ I am that I — we didn’t do more for you.”

Eddie blinked up at her, softening his voice. “What do you mean?”

“We knew what was going on in your house,” she said softly, her eyes shining bright. “We talked about it, but we — we were just so scared they’d _take_ you somewhere, and we thought you’d be better off staying if… But we should’ve done something, Eddie. Especially before she took you away. And I’m so, _so_ sorry you had to grow up with all that pain and ab—” her voice broke, a tear finally falling down her face. She didn’t have to say it for Eddie to know what she meant, and it broke his damn heart to hear how broken up she was over this, over _him._ “We didn’t do enough for you, Eddie. No one did. You deserved better. I’m sorry…”

“Maggie, hey,” Eddie pulled her into a tight hug, unable to stand watching her cry anymore. “I’m ok. I’m ok, I promise.”

“You’re such a great kid, Eddie,” Maggie cried above his head. “Despite everything, you are _such_ a sweet boy. Sorry, _man,”_ she corrected with a slight chuckle. “I just hope you get to be everything you want to be now that you’re out.”

Eddie caught movement in his peripherals, looking over Maggie’s shoulder to see Richie peering over and offering a soft, apologetic smile. Eddie knew Richie hadn’t meant for _this_ to be happening; how embarrassed Eddie might have been for Maggie to have a complete breakdown over him. He may not even be sure how much Maggie _knew_ about the things that went on in his house with his own mother, but it was enough to warrant such a reaction like this.

In all honesty, with everything going on since he got here, Eddie could almost _forget_ all that he went through with Sonia. After what happened to him earlier today, he’s surprised he has _room_ in his heart for the emotional bomb the mention of her would cause. With Maggie holding him this tightly, though, it felt a lot harder to fall apart. He tried to squeeze her just as tightly, convey how much love he had for her in return, but nothing felt like enough.

“Enough with the waterworks, you two. You’re gonna ruin the cashmere.”

“Oh, Richie, shut up,” Maggie laughed, finally peeling away from Eddie. “But Eddie, he’s right, I’m sorry for ruining your day.”

“You could never do that, Maggie,” Eddie smiled at her, leaning into the soft touch of her wiping a tear from his cheek. He looked back up at Richie and shook his head. “You at _least_ should have gotten me something less expensive, Rich…”

“Nonsense. For my birthday, I _need_ to see you wearing that,” Richie nodded decidedly. “You absolutely must or I’ll just die. I mean, god, _look at you,_ I’m sweating bullets and trying not to pop a tent in front of my poor mother—”

“Christ, Richie,” Maggie groaned, finally breaking away from Eddie and swatting Richie’s arm with a look of disgust. “Save it for the bedroom.”

“Sorry, Mama,” Richie grinned sheepishly, wrapping his arms around Eddie again.

“Thanks again, Maggie,” Eddie mumbled, muffled into Richie’s chest as she flashed him a smile on her way into the kitchen.

“Bedroom is not a bad idea,” Richie whispered, kissing the top of Eddie’s head. “You can show off the rest of the stuff you guys got for me.”

“Actually,” Eddie began, looking up at Richie with a blush he was sure matched his new sweater, thinking about the morning he had before running into Richie’s arms just like this in his dorm. “I’d rather just take these off for you, if you’d like?”

Expecting a silly grin in return, it took Eddie a bit by surprise when Richie tucked a finger gently under his chin and looked down at him softly. “Why don’t we take this into the bathroom instead?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> please do not hesitate to ask me to tag anything that's needed <3 ty for reading this littler self projection fic and take care


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